Successful People Fail the Most

Source: AI Generated

I know a young man who strived, sweated, and persevered to join the majors in hockey. He played with the best. He was fast, talented, hard-working, and competed in the company of champions. Yet, through no fault of his own, he ultimately didn’t make the cut, even though he had done the best he could. After that, he pivoted from sports and earned a doctorate in public health. I would say this was an excellent adaptation.

This reminded me of the Hui-Chinese word suanli, 酸了, which means sour and is used when someone needs to give up and move on. The idea of suanli is similar to the Japanese concept of shoganai, which means “the matter cannot be helped.” Another term the Hui use is mei banfa 没办法, meaning there is no method. Moving on is acceptable if there is no method or way forward. These terms are used to acknowledge the disappointment of a situation, and if there is nothing to be done to ameliorate it, everyone moves on. There isn’t a cheering squad telling us to push through our defeats to get to the other side. There is no point in pursuing something that has gone sour. Accepting failure and moving on is mei banfa.

The feeling of failure often accompanies emotions like shame and guilt. In modern society, we are set up to feel like we have already failed. Just scrolling through someone else’s social media feeds can make us feel like losers. Nowadays, people promote themselves like they’re saleable brands. Our culture emphasizes how I have to be me—loudly. Of course, children bear the brunt of this. They are pushed into thinking they can be anything or anyone they want to be—that is the American dream, after all. TikTok influencer fame is within reach. Some young people are being taught that they are the best, are built up with loads of self-esteem, and are protected from hardships and difficulties. However, this may lead to compounded feelings of failure.

Evolutionary psychologist Glenn Geher surmises that we have to think about failure as something other than a personal flaw. “The most successful among us are the people who have failed the most,” he says. A person who has been through hardship, he argues, will be less inclined to buckle when an obstacle stands in the way of progress.

To make this worse, people who are more prone to negativity may ruminate about their failures, while others try not to think about them. But we do have to parse rather than dwell on each failure and the information it provides for success the next time around. Then again, others romanticize failure and turn it into a platitude or a badge of honor: “We must fail to succeed.” According to the work of Roman Krznaric, author of Carpe Diem Regained, we blunt failure when we do this, as if failure is the path to the promised land. Is there always a silver lining when failure strikes? No. Sometimes we just fail. Indulging in our failure does not move us forward. My mother used to quip, “When you done complain, go sweep floor.” I think she was right about seeing failure as a fact of life and little more. It just happens, and there’s nothing romantic about falling flat on my face.

Accepting bad news is good, as acceptance is central to healthy positive thought, all of which leads to psychological growth and necessary brain rewiring.

Becoming unglued or glorifying a defeat is the antithesis of a thoughtful approach to failure. It’s best to take a compassionate, no-nonsense view. In effect, let’s give ourselves a break. Take an open view of defeat and consider the following.

• Failure is not bad. It’s useful, inevitable, and good.
• If you are fussing over your performance, think about your purpose instead.
• If difficult emotions are present, tap into your physical sensations.
• Notice the thoughts that may come up, then let them go.
• Instead of overthinking and ruminating, take what you learned.
• Use new strategies and move on.
• If you fail, fail again, many times.
• Gather your failures like they’re working capital.