Your Emotions Are Not the Enemy

I remember once when I was wearing a long face, my dad remarked with an impish smile that I had a “face in mourning.” His lesson: Don’t take life so seriously. Likewise, my family never asked me, “Are you feeling happy today?” Such a question was antithetical to their way of thinking.

There is a general prejudice that hard emotions are bad and easy emotions are good. We spend a good deal of time negating half the emotions we experience because of this. One could argue that this narrow view of our emotional life might stunt our growth. Emotions are not the enemy; they are part of life.

Uncertainty conjures up mixed feelings about what we think should happen or not. Illness, death, loss of livelihood, and other difficult events occur all the time, and these situations often leave us in an emotional quandary. The ups and downs of our moods can take us on a wild ride. Many of us jump with the extreme highs of happiness, only to sink into the excruciating lows of distress. It seems the lows would not be so low if the highs weren’t so high.

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Fortunately, when we can identify with our emotional states, we can better regulate how we feel. This recognition can aid a person to remain at an even mood level, neither in a state of uber elation, nor in a state of doom-and-gloom misery. My dad could give a practical description of a mood, then he moved on. Ideally, one’s life should be like a steady boat on calm waters, as well as on stormy seas. Some call this the Buddhist way, where we are tranquil like a monk through mindful thought and meditation. I try to make this my way, but I’m not always great at it.

When we return to our set level of mood, the hedonic treadmill is at play. This term was coined in the 1970s and has been refined over the years. It’s called a treadmill because each of us has a level of happiness we return to, no matter how high our highs or low our lows. Every person comes into this world with a set point of happiness, and roughly 50 percent of one’s happiness level is innate. The remaining 50 percent depends on how we live—from eating right and sleeping well to staying active, connected, and grounded.

Take, for example, the winner of the mega-million lottery who, after a time of probable euphoria, returns to his regular job and goes about life as usual. One such person was Canadian Robert Goertzen, who won $22 million in 2016 and then went back to work as a heavy equipment instructor in Kelowna, British Columbia. In doing so, we can argue that he returned to his set level of existence.

Curiosity Can Access Emotions

Integrative and holistic medicine physician Chris Gilbert, author of The Listening Cure: Healing Secrets of an Unconventional Doctor, recommends Gestalt therapy as a way to access our emotions. The idea is to be curious about what we feel and think, right now. Gestalt means whole, concentrating on all the parts—mind, body, and emotions. What is my body feeling at this very moment? What emotions do I have right now? Be curious. There are no set guidelines. The sessions are designed to fit the person.

In therapy, the patient might sit across from an empty seat called “the Gestalt chair,” and imagine another person in it, perhaps a boss, a spouse, or a family member. With curiosity, the patient might take the role of the other person or be himself. The interaction between the chairs brings emotions and feelings into the present. We may even have many chairs for a board meeting—the happy chair, the sad, the frustrated, or the jealous, among others. The chair can help us:

• Access the moment with observational curiosity: “I feel muscle tension from stress.”
• Come to terms with what is happening within: “I feel frustrated with my job.”
• Look at ourselves with interest: “When I see my neighbor, what is my awkwardness about?”
• Ask ourselves questions without judgment: “Am I angry because I fear something?”

Adapted from the book How to Be Less Miserable. Blackstone Publishing, 2025.