I wonder why people who are lonely don't feel the need to switch off their computers and talk to their neighbors, or strike up conversations with strangers. You would think they would, but apparently not. They have to be told first. That's odd. There must be something, you know, deep down, that's amiss. If only we had people who understood things like that, how people tick, what makes them seemingly act against their own best interests. Apparently we don't.

Psychology Today Editorial Staff

Loneliness is on the rise. In 2010, roughly 40 percent of Americans reported feeling lonely on a regular basis, up from about 20 percent in the 1980s. According to the General Social Survey, an annual report on the country’s social characteristics, the number of Americans who say they have no one they can confide in nearly tripled between 1985 and 2004. Now, the average American reports zero close confidants.
Loneliness is not only getting worse, but its gravity and consequences are becoming increasingly understood. UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger found that being socially excluded activates some of the same neural regions that are activated in response to physical pain. And psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University has put forth groundbreaking work showing that loneliness is as risky to one’s health as smoking or obesity.
"There is robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators," Holt-Lunstad said at the annual national convention of the American Psychological Association in August. “Many nations around the world now suggest we are facing a 'loneliness epidemic.' The challenge we face is what can be done about it."
While scientists are exploring potential large-scale ways to meet this public health challenge, robust research already offers several key findings on how people can overcome loneliness in their day to day lives.
1. Talk to strangers
Many of us cringe at the idea of chatting up a stranger on the subway or in a cafe. In fact, it might seem scary, but we’d probably get more out of it than we realize.
In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, psychologists Juliana Schroeder and Nicholas Epley explored why strangers near each other seldom interact. They hypothesized that either people generally find solitude more pleasant than interaction, or they misjudge the consequences of interacting. They conducted a number of experiments to test their hypotheses, one of which involved recruiting Chicago commuters to talk to people sitting near them on their ride to work. While nearly everyone expected it to be a negative experience, they reported an improved sense of well-being afterward, notably more than those in a control group who didn’t talk to nearby strangers. The unsuspecting passengers on the receiving end of these social volleys also reported increased wellbeing.
“The pleasure of connection seems contagious,” Schroeder and Epley write. “This research broadly suggests that people could improve their own momentary wellbeing—and that of others—by simply being more social with strangers, trying to create connections where one might otherwise choose isolation.
2. Log off, at least sometimes
What does face-to-face contact give us that online communication lacks? For one thing, it boosts our production of endorphins, the brain chemicals that ease pain and enhance wellbeing. That’s one reason in-person interaction improves our physical health, psychologist Susan Pinker writes in The Village Effect. Getting together for dinner parties or game nights, or pretty much any social activity apart from, say, a fight club, also keeps our relationships strong, while those conducted online tend to wither over time. “Electronic media can sway voters and topple newspapers, but when it comes to human cognition and health, they’re no match for the face-to-face,” Pinker says.
A longitudinal study by Holly Shakya and Nicholas Christakis, published last year in the American Journal of Epidemiology, confirms that Facebook is bad for our wellbeing, and points to the questionable depth of interaction on the social network as a primary reason.
“The tricky thing about social media is that while we are using it, we get the impression that we are engaging in meaningful social interaction,” Shakya and Christakis wrote in a synopsis of the study for the Harvard Business Review. “Our results suggest that the nature and quality of this sort of connection is no substitute for the real-world interaction we need for a healthy life.”
3. Be neighborly
Some of our most important relationships are with the people closest to us, geographically speaking. The neighbors and co-workers who we regularly cross paths with can serve an important purpose in our broader map of social connection, even if they’re not our most meaningful and deep relationships.
Research points to the value of both “strong ties” and “weak ties” in social relationships and underscores that loose acquaintances, such as neighbors, serve an important role in our overall sense of connection with others. But research shows that we’re neglecting the very relationships that are right under our noses or on the other side of our fences. In a recent survey, a third of Americans said they never interact with their neighbors, while only 20 percent regularly spend time with them. Compare that to the 1970s, when 30 percent reported spending time with their neighbors at least twice a week.
Getting to know your neighbors yields more benefits than access to a cup of sugar when you run out. One study found that higher “neighborhood social cohesion” lowers your risk of a heart attack. So invite your neighbors over for coffee and offer to water their plants when they go out of town. You’ll be happier and healthier for it.
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Turning Off Computers
Anonymous wrote:I wonder why people who are lonely don't feel the need to switch off their computers and talk to their neighbors, or strike up conversations with strangers. You would think they would, but apparently not. They have to be told first. That's odd. There must be something, you know, deep down, that's amiss. If only we had people who understood things like that, how people tick, what makes them seemingly act against their own best interests. Apparently we don't.
I agree totally. I am starved of human conversation and connection and close intimacy. That with being single and staying basically alone. Not a day goes by now, nearly 2018 where I see nearly everyone walking , standing and sitting, staring down at a screen of a smartphone,with earbuds. This deprivation to come in contact with other human beings is causing me increasing depression, distress and rage.
Turning Off Computers
Anonymous wrote:I wonder why people who are lonely don't feel the need to switch off their computers and talk to their neighbors, or strike up conversations with strangers. You would think they would, but apparently not. They have to be told first. That's odd. There must be something, you know, deep down, that's amiss. If only we had people who understood things like that, how people tick, what makes them seemingly act against their own best interests. Apparently we don't.
I agree totally. I am starved of human conversation and connection and close intimacy. That with being single and staying basically alone. Not a day goes by now, nearly 2018 where I see nearly everyone walking , standing and sitting, staring down at a screen of a smartphone,with earbuds. This deprivation to come in contact with other human beings is causing me increasing depression, distress and rage.
Overconnection to Computers
Anonymous wrote:I wonder why people who are lonely don't feel the need to switch off their computers and talk to their neighbors, or strike up conversations with strangers. You would think they would, but apparently not. They have to be told first. That's odd. There must be something, you know, deep down, that's amiss. If only we had people who understood things like that, how people tick, what makes them seemingly act against their own best interests. Apparently we don't.
How about a landfill, penalties, zoning and fines or severe restrictions to smartphones?
It appears more and more a power to control who to contact and vet out "real life" strangers.
Lonelyness
I am 65 years old, severely depressed and isolated. I was at the Drs office in the waiting room and feeling the need to talk, I tried to join in to a couple's conversation. They ignored me. I immediately became horrified that I had tried to intrude on their talk. That was a long time ago. I must not have learned my lesson. About two months ago, I was again at the Drs.office and noticed a lady sitting in her wheelchair, softly crying. She seemed familiar. I knew that I had seen her before at a different office. She was in pain, and as it turned out she was also lonely. We struck up a conversation and both decided it would be great to have lunch together. But I didn't have anything to write with and neither did she. At that moment my son arrived to pick me up from my appointment. She told me she was on Facebook and I told her I could find her that way. But, as I'm getting into the car to leave, I felt this deep sadness, knowing in all probability I would never see her again. And I haven't, because I couldn't find her on Facebook, and now I've forgotten her name. It hurts deeply that I didn't make an extra effort to write her name down. I know that we probably would have been friends still. And I keep talking to strangers, but I don't get out much, so......
Is it possible to go back to
Is it possible to go back to the doctors and ask the receptionist if she remembers you, and if she remembers the woman in the wheelchairs to maybe pass on a piece of paper your name and number perhaps?
Why I don't
Social anxiety disorder. For someone like me, it's a choice between socializing online or - realistically - not at all. Before the internet, I was very isolated and spent most of my time reading books or sitting around feeling depressed.
Internet access means that I can look info up without having to stress over a phone call (which yes, is a problem for me) and order things online without having to go into a crowded store. I get a ton of intellectual stimulation from debating people on discussion forums. And because my political and philosophical beliefs are vastly different from people near me, I can discuss things and find support groups with like-minded people I otherwise wouldn't have access to.
Being more socially active online builds my social confidence. Probably the best thing is encountering other socially anxious people and realizing that a lot more people have issues with it than I'd thought. It helps me to keep this in mind when I have to interact with people in real life.
I'm working on these issues in therapy, but it's not a quick fix. If I push myself too much, it only drains my energy and puts me at risk for a panic attack, so I have to go slowly.
Social anxiety and loneliness
I am and have been lonely probably all my life. I’m nearly 67,
married, and lonely. I’ve had social anxiety all my life as well. I recall being relieved when I didn’t have to go to a birthday party when I was 6.
Sports helped me so much, but my body is not the same.
I tried another one, but hurt my shoulder. Then my back.
If I don click with someone, it leaves me more depressed.
My spouse travels out of the country this Fall, and I’m petrified. Two weeks. I don’t know how I can handle the
emotions I fear. My therapist will see me more often. I hope
every day, or weekday, but that is unlikely. I’m on antidepressants. They help only so much. There a meetup groups, but I fear being lonely there as well. Sometimes I wonder how I’m going to make it without losing my mind.
I speak to strangers, to neighbors, to people at the grocery
store. Issues with fatigue as well as the anxiety keep me from
volunteering. Today is a tough one. I don’t always feel this
badly, but today I do.
Before you tell people to talk to their neighbors......
Talking to neighbors is grand, except a lot of people who grew up in the shadow of 911 and safetyville don't know the first thing about neighbor etiquette.
Your older neighbors are not a home service. We aren't here to meet your many personal needs. I probably won't be giving you a cup of sugar, as I get my groceries on foot and sugar is heavy. I'm not living here to be insulted either directly or indirectly by any recently married millennial fresh off a gifted 4 year degree at an uppity private college who thinks there way of life is the best way. I won't be calling City Hall for your petty little concerns about trash on your behalf because I am friends with the mayor, so stop asking.
Friendship is earned. I have good decent neighbors that have lived here for decades. If you want in on our social circle its gained by being friendly, considerate and responsible. How about shoveling some snow for once? Raking the leaves in the street? Not crushing our trash cans as you ride by in your SUV?
Ugh
Ugh, I get so sick of people engaging in this free-for-all attack on Millennials. What does their generation, education, or marital status have to do with being friendly or considerate? It sounds like you've had a problem with some very specific people and are using that to make blanket judgments about everyone else. What's sad is that you probably have no idea just how petty, insulting, and unfriendly you sound yourself.
By the way, I'm not a Millennial. I'm GenX, but I can empathize with younger people because I remember hearing the same sort of thing about my generation when I was at that stage of life (and sometimes still). It always amuses me when older people blame the younger people for having bad manners or being spoiled without considering exactly who's responsible for having raised them that way!
I've been around long enough to figure out that people who are older than me are just as capable of being rude and self-centered as the ones who are younger than me. If anything, the younger generation is typically less judgmental, more flexible, and has a lot less privilege and power. That means that among all the generations, they're the ones least responsible for our current society's problems.
About those Millenials
First of all, you’re wrong about the education aspect. It is a lot more expensive to get a college education today than it was when you were that age. Today’s graduates are graduating to an economy that is much more difficult to make it than the one you cane of age in. Secondly, they are also graduating with enormous piles of debt that will take decades to pay off.
I too am very tired of hearing the criticism of the Millenials. I’m a very early GenX or very late Boomer, and I am the mother of a millenial. I find his friends lovely people who care deeply about the world, and worried about how they are going to deal with the crises that their generation did not create. Are some of them rude? Of course, but so are some older people. The racism and xenophobia from the depression babies and early boomers is shocking to me. I do t hear Millenials speak like that. Theirs is a community of inclusion, not exclusion.
And lastly, why should your millennial neighbor take out your trash, rake your leaves, or shovel your snow, when you have such contempt for them? Respect and friendship are earned, as you noted. They don’t owe you those chores.
Shame on you for having such a negative attitude toward young adults who are just trying to survive in this world. Take your own leaves, then.
Unhelpful
So many assumptions. I have rarely talked to strangers and it can be a hit or most likely a miss. It has the potential to be more negative than positive. You don't want to be labelled as a
creep or a weirdo. It is important to have a good relationship with your neighboirs but sometimes being too close can also lead to more conflict and disagreements that may make the relationship more uncomfortable. Switching off electronics is fine and everyone knows that. Unhelpful and unpractical recommendations.
The title is very misleading for those who want to stop feeling lonely.
very common sense but...
Thank you for this article. It is a necessary dose of common sense, because getting outside of my own head is important.
That said, I've been socially burned multiple times, especially in the past few years. I'm regularly avoided or treated as one with bad intentions before I've done a thing. Yet I don't like to burden people. As a result, I am intensely shy. Truth be told, social media and the internet has provided more of a window into the outside world than walking about in said world.
Still bookmarking this article. Thank you.
Social Burn
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for this article. It is a necessary dose of common sense, because getting outside of my own head is important.
That said, I've been socially burned multiple times, especially in the past few years. I'm regularly avoided or treated as one with bad intentions before I've done a thing. Yet I don't like to burden people. As a result, I am intensely shy. Truth be told, social media and the internet has provided more of a window into the outside world than walking about in said world.
Still bookmarking this article. Thank you.
So sorry. Headed truly for dehumanizing self destruction.
I end up connecting to too many of you online.
Force yourself to get out!!!!
It's a bit more complicated.
It's a bit more complicated. Fear and anxiety. Not forgetting the past that has affected you in 1 way or another. But yes; talking to strangers helps. But again if we don't truly connect with ourselves, how can we connect with anybody else. Unless they know us better than ourselves. And that takes a great deal of time in itself. If truly lonely and wanting to interact in person, there's a wonderful online system called 'meetup' It's created online, but has people actually organising and arranging to meetup in groups. Lot's of interests to delve into. Books, walking, nature, bird watching even.
But above all, connect with yourself and start loving yourself. To begin with anyway. Helps greatly when interacting with others. Sharing and growing together. Your inner, peaceful, and true self
Needs For Connection
Jon,
I had used meetup. No connections Just mingling and I ended up having people disappear without fault. I find single men who are mixerholics and pick up artists.
We are wired for human connections. Over love of self is stunted and isolating.
Read this:
The word “neediness” may refer to what Buddhism calls clinging and craving. We perpetuate our suffering through desperately craving things outside of ourselves. Underlying this tendency is a sense of emptiness and a lack of self-nurturing resources. However, many people are so afraid of seeing themselves as needy that they jettison their unavoidable need for loving connections.
We grow up in a society that worships independence. Having needs for something outside of ourselves is often viewed as a weakness. We internalize the message that we should be “strong,” which we interpret as standing on our own two feet without needing support from anyone.
Sadly, this egocentric view keeps us in a prison of isolation. Gradually, our love receptors become clogged and atrophy; our lives lose vibrancy and we’re more subject to depression and despair.
The science of attachment theory reveals that we’re wired for connection. This doesn't just apply to children. Adults also need strong bonds to maintain vibrant emotional and physical health. In short, we need each other to be happy and fulfilled.
Jon,
Anonymous wrote:Jon,
I had used meetup. No connections Just mingling and I ended up having people disappear without fault. I find single men who are mixerholics and pick up artists.We are wired for human connections. Over love of self is stunted and isolating.
Read this:
The word “neediness” may refer to what Buddhism calls clinging and craving. We perpetuate our suffering through desperately craving things outside of ourselves. Underlying this tendency is a sense of emptiness and a lack of self-nurturing resources. However, many people are so afraid of seeing themselves as needy that they jettison their unavoidable need for loving connections.We grow up in a society that worships independence. Having needs for something outside of ourselves is often viewed as a weakness. We internalize the message that we should be “strong,” which we interpret as standing on our own two feet without needing support from anyone.
Sadly, this egocentric view keeps us in a prison of isolation. Gradually, our love receptors become clogged and atrophy; our lives lose vibrancy and we’re more subject to depression and despair.
The science of attachment theory reveals that we’re wired for connection. This doesn't just apply to children. Adults also need strong bonds to maintain vibrant emotional and physical health. In short, we need each other to be happy and fulfilled.
Sounds like you've had bad experience with meetup then. I personally have gained at least 1 good connection. And i've only been on walks and activities such as kayaking and bird watching. I'm not a fan of birds, but i liked the concept of going to new places and exploring a bit more. Coincided with trying to share other peoples interests and exploring my own. And because of where i live, there is a lot of different ethnic people. So i get to ask questions and hear more of different minds and cultures along the way. Helped me with my fear and anxiety. And just being able to communicated, interact with others. And expand the social circle for activities such as hiking and mountain climbing.
Self love is a bit stunted and a bit isolated. But until we make the effort to get out there and explore a bit more, then self protection takes over. It is easier said than done. And does rely on time and effort still. Changing our perspectives along the way. How some people come across, may not be the essence of who they are and what they're perceiving when compared to your own perception.
I was lacking nurturing, not just from myself, but in general, i never received that as a child from my mum. I found it in a woman who i believe is my 1 & only. And she taught me that it begins with ourselves. This is how we can share it. Connect with it to begin with, share and expand. She understand i'm needy. I used to see her as an independent controlling woman. But that was just a character that is part of her. But only part, there is soooo much more!
So for me i just find trying to find similar interests a good start to see if there is anything else to create with another. Don't be so closed off and stuck in a specific mindset about the world and the other people who live in it. Sometimes our own feelings and vibe does have an effect on how others are around us. And obviously likewise.
Tiny Buddha has been a great help. Along with Mooji, and Eckhart Tolle.
Anyway, i hope you don't feel completely alone. Even though this world of technology and internet does outweigh a lot of people's lives. Small parts of it can help us, if we let it. Like most things; moderation and balance are keys
Meetup , Self Love to Over Perfectionism
I feel you. I also had parents and relatives physically separated for years during childhood .
I have been stoked with this love thyself credo for pressure to "attract".
This never worked not knowing mingling among others with unfixable flaws. Self love seems more like love your more perfect self first. I had now been able to stay self reliant and feel no remorse for the need to bond and feel loved.
Great that you found support. Nature sounds beautiful and meetup are rather fickle of super athletes who can hike the highest and farthest and punish those without experience even with safety. As well trying to relish a meetup lunch and art walk to be abandoned by others running to parking meters. I will choose an activity for my own interests in a group setting.
Good articles and helpful and thank you.
For me it wasn't about loving
For me it wasn't about loving the 'perfect' me. There is no perfect me, just the me who grows and develops along this journey that we're on.
While i did find support, because of my misconceptions and affected past, me being needy and limited minded with limited scope on the concept of love just means i've not made it easy for her. And has had her feeling unloved and unimportant. Even though without her and our connection, then i wouldn't be where i am in myself. So i learned that without learning to love yourself and what you are, tapping and making connection with that pure love then how can we love and truly connect to another. We have to start somewhere. It's just made a bit more rewarding when it's reciprocated.
And it really does sound like you've had bad experiences with meetups or maybe not been to too many perhaps? I can kind of understand you somewhat. But i've been to quite a few. And because of the groups and the actual location being Cambridge, the people are a bit more open minded. But again, because i had the interest in meeting new people and going new places, maybe my perception was helped somewhat. I found comfort in just doing something i wanted to be doing with like minded people. I organised a meetup even which had us kayaking along the Ouse in Cambridge. Only 2 people showed up. But it was just good all around. They were such friendly and polite individuals and thanked me at the end. Even just sitting in a cafe with them afterwards talking about ourselves and books. Things relating to introversion that we all shared. Little situations, scenarios and experiences like that really do enhance my own perspective.
It's because us and our minds are more than complex. Takes a great deal to work with our own minds. Let alone the minds of others. So it is made even harder with our own perceptions and our own flaws. Maybe that is also another reason why some people stick to their laptops and phones when around other people. Not just because of the trend of modern world. But because of our minds. But if people interacted and appreciated the simple but important aspect of connecting with others in direct contact, then it would help a lot more. Hence why someone like Eckhart Tolle is a good example. And Byron Katie.
Focus on the positives in people and the heart felt nature that sooo many people have. Granted we do sometimes waste it, or limit it, for whatever reason. Just lighten your mind and connect with the beauty we all have within us
I could read into this or
I could read into this or just directly take this to mean strength is inside yourself and don't rely on anyone. I had my reasons why I didn't really follow this. There is def a great strong feeling in dong for yourself. .I Missed that. There was always something going on where outside help was a big help. Other people had skills I didn't have when I lived on my own. NOw that i"m more independent with less need for others I may be even more lonely. I agree, was better off with a need for others. Wish we knew those great neighbors that some have found around the corner. Hope they don't take each other for granted. I used to have those nice ppl next door, many moon ago.
I could read into this or
Anonymous wrote:I could read into this or just directly take this to mean strength is inside yourself and don't rely on anyone. I had my reasons why I didn't really follow this. There is def a great strong feeling in dong for yourself. .I Missed that. There was always something going on where outside help was a big help. Other people had skills I didn't have when I lived on my own. NOw that i"m more independent with less need for others I may be even more lonely. I agree, was better off with a need for others. Wish we knew those great neighbors that some have found around the corner. Hope they don't take each other for granted. I used to have those nice ppl next door, many moon ago.
I wish i knew of a cure. There certainly isn't an easy and painless method. But it starts by making the effort to approach people and try to interact with them and searching for those connections. Easier said than done, i know only too bloody well. But we still have a choice. And the longer we leave it, and the less we do with this time, then the longer we have to endure the pit of loneliness. Searching online is 1 thing. Using it as experience and practice to incorporate it into your physical life.
I personally used to really struggle with interacting with people. Took me a fair amount of time. Fear and anxiety didn't help in the slightest. But it is now fairly effortless. As long as i have the energy for it. Meditation combined with connecting with myself in my own space and time are essential for me. But again, finding people with whom you can connect with is something else altogether. We are all sooo bloody complicated. Sometimes we find people we just have a natural spark with. Chemistry if you will. Not just intimate relationship chemistry, but friend chemistry too
Pendulum world
Well said. I don't know why but the 70s song Windmill of My Mind just came unto me that human lives going around the topic of loneliness will have it's ebbs and flows.
Perhaps we are social engineered by nefarious media means link to higher insidious Illuminati plans to 'divide and conquer' the mass. What's easier to tend their will after breaking their bonds right?
So perhaps People can support and evangelise any association/institute/library of successful human connection techniques and spin webs of eternal passing down of such resources like lullabies to equip us for life in order to loneliness at bay. This article gave three examples, wonder if there are more examples.
Best comment ever
I don’t think I’ve ever read a comment her that’s better than this; you’ve touched on such important topics, including attachment. Yes,
indeed, we all need that. And if we all wanted each other to be happy and fulfilled, the world would be so much better.
Thanks so much for this comment. You’ve made me want to be a better person.
Meetup and Connecting
Jon,
Thank you, and I will also add I love art and film. Panels too.
I was reconsidering during a lot off time off to myself, for years without any dating.
If I find a new meetup and a bunch of smartphones on and heads down, I will never return again.
Jon,
Anonymous wrote:Jon,
Thank you, and I will also add I love art and film. Panels too.
I was reconsidering during a lot off time off to myself, for years without any dating.
If I find a new meetup and a bunch of smartphones on and heads down, I will never return again.
Depending on where you are, there is usually a lot of different topic and actual interest related groups. For me i used to attend a meditation group. And the bird watching 1. Which is mostly because 1 of the acquaintances i made through 1 of the other groups i've attended a few times, took over because of his love for bird watching. And another that does indoor bouldering. But there are also traveler groups who go to places such as Croatia. But there is also a trained mountain climber who takes people to places around the world sharing his knowledge and experience and guides and teach individuals to do something he absolutely loves to do and wants to share. I've signed up to dozens, and i get the notifications of the various meetups happening. So i can select which 1's i want to attend. Being very selective. And because i'm 1 of the hosts for my local outdoors groups there will be some plans for when summer arrives again. Good old go ape, and cycling through and around Thetford forest types of scenarios. So if you live near Ely, UK - there's an option for you, perhaps.
There is also 3 cinema groups. And 1 which is filled with smart individuals who sit and talk about the film afterwards. And they don't watch the typical films either. The cinema they attend does show documentaries and thought provoking material. I attended 1 which showed the story of these old cultured people who still live in tents and train their eagles to go hunting. Eagle temptress i think it was called. Sitting before the film talking about our interests. Talking and listening. Sharing and connecting, in person! And afterwards too. But i did have a 6 mile bike ride to get back home, so i didn't hang around for long, and my introverted side had kind of moved back in.
Even now i write this just before i go out for a mini xmas evening with an old old friend. Dinner followed by the new star wars.
Anyway i hope you can see passed your own experience and perspective and pursue a different route, or even just a different way of looking at the route to lighten your own mind a little bit more. Just think if more and more people did that. Then you wouldn't feel isolated and stuck. Some of it is feelings. But we can get around them and create better 1's. Sometimes it takes a big change. It's all uncertain i know. But isn't that part of the fun, not knowing what is actually going to happen. But putting little things in place to hopefully create options, choices, and opportunities to help create more positives.
Either; don't give up!
Bird Watching and Longing To Fly
Jon,
I noticed your wonderful hobbies with nature, climbing, biking and birdwatching. I have a facebook sketch group for pencil artists, and saw sublime sketches of birds, wildlife and thought of you.
I had appreciated your kind words and your own journey after every comment. It was great to gain some perspective and wisdom. Thank you and I was quite cheeky at times.
That's soo nice that you
That's soo nice that you thought of me just from something as light and simple as that, very touching. If you want to share the name of the group i can have a bimble over. I used to like art. But i was more into portraits and landscape. Ended when i finished school when i stopped having the passionate art teacher encourage and share their passion...
And i'm glad you appreciated me sharing some of myself. Does mean a lot to actually read that and think that i've helped ease your mind a little. Maybe that's what i've learned from some of the true heart felt people i've had the luck of meeting along my journey.
And it's good to be cheeky, at times, especially for my hands :p
Loneliness
For the most part, I have read many reasons to not connect.
We can make great strides just by saying good morning to a person passing on the sidewalk. It doesn't have to be a proposal of marriage, just get out and even just nodding your head with a smile on your face, is sufficient to start you feeling like you've at least are trying.
There are so many ways to help yourself, but the first thing is to stop making excuses and just do it. Many of us have the ability to make our lives so much better just by not saying you can't, and for god's sake put the electronics down. We should all have FOMO for our lives that we are wasting on other peoples food photos, and makeup tips.
Need For Connections.
I sat down to a chicken dinner at a takeout. Everyone was scrolling on their phones while eating, and yet one said hello.
I sat down to a chicken
Anonymous wrote:I sat down to a chicken dinner at a takeout. Everyone was scrolling on their phones while eating, and yet one said hello.
At least you made the step to actually do something like that by yourself. It sometimes just has to be the right type of setting and right location. Sometimes it can just be something completely random. But as long as you enjoy some elements to it, then that matters. Sometimes it just takes a good service and good tasting food to fill me with all that i need. And you're making the effort. Perseverance. Sometimes it only takes a smile which emanates from you feeling good about what it is that you're doing to actually connect with another person who is doing something similar. Compassion to yourself for attempting to find connections. It will happen if you persevere. Not everybody is closed off
People used to talk in doctor
People used to talk in doctor offices, but now they just stare at the TV or at their phone. You see people eating - and staring at phone. Tried Meetup also - all these people sign up, then no one shows up! I have been in three - and all fizzled out in two weeks. Small town and trying to figure out how to meet real, genuine, kind hearted and caring people. Sadly, many in church do not meet that requirement.
People used to talk in doctor
Anonymous wrote:People used to talk in doctor offices, but now they just stare at the TV or at their phone. You see people eating - and staring at phone. Tried Meetup also - all these people sign up, then no one shows up! I have been in three - and all fizzled out in two weeks. Small town and trying to figure out how to meet real, genuine, kind hearted and caring people. Sadly, many in church do not meet that requirement.
Where is the small town exactly? The little village where i live is a bit similar. The people are fairly friendly and pleasant individuals. And i have lived here for about 5 years now so i have gotten to know a few regulars when i used to walk my dog. But i still have to travel 6 miles to the nearest town, which luckily also has a train station to help me get out to places such as Cambridge, which is only 15 minutes on the train
Getting "Out There"
For all comments in general from me, what urged me to participate here in this topic, was that a co worker implied I was "needy" and "clingy" and since I am very affectionate, touching someone in conversation is suddenly a threat a turn off or creepy.
We debated as to what is defined as a group activity. He suggested not going to bars, yet I had much more random fun and some joyous memories, than a sterile get together with out interaction. I attempted a Catholic parish group with nothing and was constantly goaded by gurus, spiritual groups and self help brainwashing for a high price.
For all comments in general
Anonymous wrote:For all comments in general from me, what urged me to participate here in this topic, was that a co worker implied I was "needy" and "clingy" and since I am very affectionate, touching someone in conversation is suddenly a threat a turn off or creepy.
We debated as to what is defined as a group activity. He suggested not going to bars, yet I had much more random fun and some joyous memories, than a sterile get together with out interaction. I attempted a Catholic parish group with nothing and was constantly goaded by gurus, spiritual groups and self help brainwashing for a high price.
Nothing wrong with being an affectionate individual. Just i guess for some people it's too much. For the ones who have had an abundance of it perhaps.
I just find activities much better at breaking the ice, helps with feeling comfortable with interacting with strangers. And can create more meaningful memories that way. That's what i've found anyway.
I personally read a fair bit on this site. But stumbled upon this when i was feeling lonely. A bit cut off from myself and other people. And because of how my past has affected the most important relationship in my life meaning i am being kept at a distance. My own fault. Just annoying when we still pay the price for our past, and for our old old minds. When i made it redundant, i bloody mean't it. But it pops up once in a while. So trying to reach out to other people. Reading what you share, and trying to share something similar or just something that i can actually relate to from your initial expressions.
Anyway i've really got to get on my bike now. I hope that me expressing myself helps you not feel completely alone and feeling like you're the only person who feels similar things at times. But i know and truly relate to how we need a companion, or just people with whom we can connect every aspect of ourselves, and vice versa
UK v. West Side Gentrified Los Angeles
Looks like where you live is tranquil ,pristine and a different more intellectual culture surrounded by nature, and history. There is small village country living. This is another part of England, and though not Metropolitan Manchester or London.
Where I live consists of several instagram and selfie stick swarms on hilltops showing off who is hotter, faster and super powered. How funny I am not accustomed to heights, and one meetup member hated the gym, and it is where I work out best. Even still the hamsters spinning and running are also attached to their devices, even before pressing a few reps.
I enjoy your feedback, though. I find practitioners of New Age thinking not workable for some. Very vain and narcissistic, shallow. I adore nature documentaries. Lovely.
two ideas
The first, though an old and often repeated trope is simply to volunteer-or think of a way to help someone who needs it, even if it's as simple as providing a sandwich or cup of coffee to someone without a roof over their head and mental illness or other issues. Active compassion is the antidote for negative self directed emotions. The other idea is less simple, but essential. Cut loose the people in your life who act as a toxic influence. I'm not talking about people you may disagree with on certain political issues. It's the ones who never miss a chance to put you down or disparage your general motivation. Having these people around is actually worse than loneliness and exacerbates negative feelings while alone. Cut them loose.
FaceTime
Sometimes technology and social media get wrapped up together when discussing the negative side effects of social media. I think it would be interesting to see how face to face communications like FaceTime and Skype work to increase our sense of loneliness. Like you said about talking to strangers, sometimes we could just pick up the phone and FaceTime someone for more connection. If that became as normalized as messaging someone then I think we would definitely see a decrease in reports of loneliness.
Small Talk
If you want to be friendly and are intuitive by nature, test the waters with small talk. A connection is a connection, even if it lasts less than a couple of minutes. Making small talk with the cashier at the grocery or the bus driver may make your day or theirs even better. If a person is not receptive, no biggie; don’t take it personally and don’t give up on other encounters. A solid connection feels good, even if fleeting. If you both agree that hot dogs are better when prepared all the way, you’ve found common ground.