Dementia
How to Survive Mother’s Day When Your Mom Is Gone
There are ways to celebrate Mother's Day, even if your mother is no longer with you.
Posted May 8, 2025 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- Mother's Day can be challenging for someone whose mom has died or has late-stage dementia.
- You can use the holiday to take stock of your life and work on those problems that would upset your mother.
- Spending time with siblings can provide an emotional lift.
- Reach out to friends who may be suffering and share stories or old photos of their mother.
This Sunday, millions of Americans will celebrate their mothers with mimosa brunches, fragrant bouquets, lively phone or Zoom calls, and the inevitable squabbles that happen at family get-togethers.
Grateful sons and daughters have been celebrating Mother’s Day since May 9, 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the day as an annual tribute to the women who have loved, nurtured, scolded, and supported us.
But for the millions of Americans whose moms have died, Mother’s Day may be a bittersweet combination of fading memories and poignant musings about what “could have been” if our mothers were still alive today. But death isn't the only way our moms leave us. For some, late-stage Alzheimer’s disease and or dementia has robbed our mothers of their wit, conversation skills, and even their memory of who we are. They may be with us in body, but not in mind or spirit.
Each of these losses is painful, and all too common. By age 50, about half of us have mourned the death of our mother. More than 4 million older women in the U.S. have dementia, and most have children who are witnessing their cognitive declines.
Whether your mother has died or slipped into the grip of late-stage dementia, Mother's Day can be hard, although the sharp pangs of sadness tend to fade with time after a mom's death. It can feel like a cruel joke when pop-up ads implore us to buy Mom a heart-shaped pendant, and our social media feeds are filled with photos of friends enjoying a special celebration with their mom.
So, how do you survive Mother’s Day when your mom isn't here to celebrate with you?
Appreciate the good things in life that would make your mom happy (and fix those things that wouldn’t).
Parents want their children to be happy, secure, and loved, even if they can no longer check up on us. Mother’s Day is the ideal time to take stock of all the things in your life that would make your mom happy—your supportive marriage, exciting career, rewarding hobbies, and well-adjusted children. Knowing that Mom would be happy with your choices can be a source of solace and connectedness.
At the same time, recognizing what’s going poorly might prompt life changes. How would your mom react if she knew that your romantic partner was unkind or unfaithful? Or that your overbearing boss undermined your confidence? Or that you ignored a nagging health symptom rather than getting it checked? Knowing that your mom would want the best for you may trigger healthy and necessary changes.
Reach out to your siblings: Mom would be pleased.
The one thing I’ve learned as both a bereavement researcher and as an adult whose parents died before their time is that parents want to know that their children will still be close when they’re no longer around—or no longer capable of being the glue that holds the family together.
Get together with your siblings, whether in person or via Zoom. If the miles are separating you, you can all order your mom’s favorite dish and enjoy a virtual dinner together. Or use Mother’s Day as a time to plan a summer outing together. Life gets busy, and it’s hard to squeeze in time for siblings, but you’ll be glad you did. And your mom would be, too.
Celebrate the other moms in your life.
Most of us have mother-like figures in our lives whom we cherish. On Mother’s Day, extend gratitude and appreciation to the aunt, mother-in-law, stepmom, older sister, or mentor who helped you become who you are today.
Remember that Mother’s Day is just a day, but your mom stays with you for life.
Mother’s Day comes just once a year, but memories of our mothers and their wisdom are always with us. For most of us, a day doesn’t go by when we don’t think of our mothers. Think about some of your own quirks and habits. Remembering to phone (or text) a loved one after a trip, just to let them know we “made it home alive.” Shouting out Jeopardy answers at an exuberantly high volume. The deeply held belief that a chicken dinner can cure all ills. That’s not just us—that’s our moms.
For those of us whose mothers have died, we’re not clinging to the past or failing to move forward when we think or talk about a deceased mom. Bereavement researchers emphasize the importance of “continuing bonds” with loved ones who have died. Thinking about how they might advise us when faced with a challenge, or beaming over how proud they would have been of our latest accomplishment, are mental exercises that can make us feel better and connect us to the past in healthy ways year-round.
Support a cause or take up an activity that's important to your mom.
One of the most rewarding ways to celebrate a mother is by helping to uphold some of her goals or hobbies. Was your mother an activist who fought for women’s rights in the 1960s? If so, donate to Planned Parenthood or another organization that she cared about deeply. Was she a green thumb? If so, try gardening or volunteer at a community garden plot. If she was a talented painter or photographer, find ways to frame her art and share it with family members. By reading a novel by her favorite author or listening to her favorite musician, your horizons may expand.
Introduce your mom to the youngest generation.
One of the saddest parts of losing a parent (especially at a young age) is knowing that their grandchildren won’t ever meet them. Talking to your children or nieces and nephews about who your mom was and the traits of your mom that live on within them can be a wonderful source of family connection.
Is your child named for your mom? Do you notice talents or amusing mannerisms in your child that make them the spitting image of their grandmother? Tell them about her and help paint a vivid portrait of Grandma; they will feel a special bond even if they’ve never met.
Support friends whose moms have passed away.
We’re often hesitant to ask our friends and family members about loved ones who have died, or who are no longer their old selves. We worry that we’ll trigger sad memories. Nothing could be further from the truth. Most people are eager to talk about their deceased or ailing relatives and genuinely appreciate the opportunity to share stories. They want to recall their memories, tell funny anecdotes, or even recount the details of her death—trying to make sense of what happened.
Survivors have few opportunities to talk about loved ones who have passed; they’re afraid that they’ll be a downer at a party or that it seems like they’re clinging to a ghost from the past. Providing an opportunity to talk about the moms who are no longer with us can be cathartic for the survivor.
Share your stories and memories.
Children love hearing stories and discovering what their parents were like when they were young. We pore over old family photos and chuckle at the hairstyles in old high-school yearbook portraits because we desperately want to know, “Who was Mom before she was my mom?”
If you have stories or memories of your friend’s mom, share them. An entertaining new tidbit or never-before-seen photo may be the best gift you can give your friend—a new glimpse into the woman who made them who they are today.
