Are You a Female Chauvinist?
Think women are more growth-oriented than men? You might be a female chauvinist!
Posted Feb 15, 2010
Have you heard about the famous research study done on a clique of young goldfish? They were raised in a luxuriously long aquarium with a pesky glass wall smack down its middle. Every time these goldfish tried to swim to the far side of the aquarium, they'd hit their little fish noses on the glass wall's hard surface—ouch! Eventually, the goldfish were resigned to their limited swimming options and stayed swooshing around in the half-size aquarium, which they now recognized as home.
After a few months, the researchers removed the glass wall, allowing the goldfish full reign to swim wherever their little gills could gather speed to take them. Guess what? The goldfish never tried to swim to the other side of the long aquarium. Although the goldfish were no longer stopped by that glass wall, they were stopped by their limiting beliefs. They became prisoners of their past life conditioning!
We, humans, are no better. Over time, we amass limiting beliefs about how life supposedly is—beliefs that are not valid. Then we allow these limiting beliefs to stop us from fully living our happiest lives.
If you want to experience maximum happiness, more important than whether you see that metaphorical glass as half-full or half-empty is whether you see a metaphorical glass wall in your way. After all, you could be the most optimistic person on this planet—consciously believing you deserve bundles of cash and heaps of loving—yet you can still remain blocked from getting all you want.
How can that be? Because although your conscious mind might be thinking many, many fabulous thoughts about you, your subconscious mind can simultaneously remain very busy thinking its limiting, glass-wall beliefs.
How do you know you have glass-wall beliefs? That's easy. Your life is difficult. You keep finding yourself saying things like:
"I can never get a break in love!"
"My ex is a total Prince Harming!" (Note: This is a term I coined in my book Prince Harming Syndrome to describe men who are either "trouble" or "troubled.")
"All men are total Prince Harmings!"
"Men in distant galaxies are total Prince Harmings!"
Basically, whenever you experience a repeated pattern of failure in love, it's because your subconscious is blocking you with a glass-wall belief, telling you: "Yo! Love happiness stops here! Go no further."
But yo, it ain't so! You're simply being blocked by a mirage of glass. Or if you're a "foodie," a good analogy to describe "glass-wall limitations" is to say it's as if your subconscious has given you a very limited menu of your love life options, and in reality, you have many more yummy love life ordering selections available!
Simply put: You are the common denominator in all your relationship problems. If you keep finding yourself saying, "All the men I date are Prince Harmings—emotionally-unavailable bad listeners, who suck at communicating!" you must ask why you keep picking men who are this way.
Because there are emotionally available, good-listening, highly communicative men out there! In fact, wherever there's an all-encompassing always, all, or never in your life, it's a sign that your mischievous subconscious is setting you up for failure by consistently leading you back toward these repeat performances.
In many ways, for many reasons, the subconscious should actually receive bigger and better billing than mere "sub" status. It should be called the "over-and-above-conscious" because it makes so many of your life decisions.
Your subconscious is why your diary can often read like Mad Libs. For instance:
I'm___________(mad, resentful, depressed) that ___________(my past paramour/present paramour/future paramour) doesn't_________(listen to me/respect me/love me more). It reminds me of what happened ______________ (last week/last month/last year/next week/next month/next year) with ____________ (my past paramour/present paramour/future paramour).
So what stops you from seeing that there are far more love life options out there? What I call "The Three Cs," which are:
1. Childhood's Limiting Beliefs: Your learned (b)lame excuses, mistaken thinking and false fears created by the pain, disappointment, and repeated patterns you learned from family and friends when you were young and sponge-like.
2. Culture's Limiting Beliefs: Your learned (b)lame excuses, mistaken thinking and false fears created from society's messages of false limitations, stereotyping, and biased trends. A terrific example of a culture's limiting belief is the famed Roger Bannister story. Until 1954, most people believed that a human could not run a mile in less than four minutes until Roger Bannister did just that. Ever since, running four-minute miles has become run-of-the-mill.
"Doctors and scientists said that breaking the four-minute mile was impossible, that one could die in the attempt," Bannister said right after his accomplishment. "When I got up from the track after collapsing at the finish line, I figured I was dead." This is why it's important to wake up to our culture's limiting beliefs, or it can create a limiting "that's impossible" self-fulfilling prophecy.
3. Calamity's Limiting Beliefs: Your learned (b)lame excuses, mistaken thinking and false fears created from a very specific crisis, including a bad breakup, a divorce, a sexual assault, a job failure, a bankruptcy, a mugging, an illness, the death of a loved one, etc.
Yes, there's an abundance of ways you can limit your life due to the limiting thinking of your subconscious and thereby wind up with a pattern of dating and/or marrying Prince Harmings.
When I coach women who are trying to break free of their addictive pattern for Prince Harmings, it's always fascinating to me when I tell them they must start to prioritize finding a man who values growing. A man who revels in open, honest communication, 20/20 listening, and a Gumby-like flexibility for compromise.
The women laugh heartily at my description of this evolved kind of man. They insist he does not exist! Yes, that's how blocked these women are by some aspect of those 3 Cs.
"You're a female chauvinist!" I've called these women. "By telling me that you believe that men can't be emotionally evolved enough to want to grow, communicate from the heart, empathize and validate you, then you're basically saying that all men are 'emotional bimbos.'"
Usually, the words female chauvinist and emotional bimbo help to shock the women into an awareness of how gender-prejudiced they're being.
My next coaching step? I tell them they have to stop being "negative evidence collectors." Looking for proof that men are emotional bimbos. Indeed, they can create this self-fulfilling prophecy of behavior simply by treating a good man to their bad attitude toward him.
Next up, I assign the women to be "positive evidence collectors." They must look for proof of the plethora of supercool, Prince Charming–esque guys who are out there, either married to or dating their lucky girlfriends, written up in the news, working alongside them at their offices, or even in the very bed with them!
Are you suspect of being a female chauvinist? If so, ask yourself if a glass wall is blocking you from seeing all the emotionally evolved qualities of the man you're already with or blocking you from finding a man with lots of emotionally evolved qualities!