This Will Be a Short Post Because I’m Depressed

The words just aren’t flowing with their usual ease.

Posted Nov 16, 2020

My brother must have heard the flat tone in my voice this past week because he invited me up to his house for a pancake brunch yesterday morning (Sunday). It was nice to see him and my sister-in-law and he’s a better cook than I am. By far.

I had a Zoom session with my psychiatrist, Dr. Lev, on Monday and admitted to her I was struggling. I told her I bought a light therapy box, and in the same breath, I said I guess it didn’t work because I don’t have seasonal affective disorder. She didn’t want to raise the dosage of any of my current antidepressants, so she started me on a micro-dose of a thyroid medication as an adjunct to the antidepressant. First I’ve heard of this, but I trust her implicitly. I have to take it on an empty stomach, so I usually take it at about 2 or 3 a.m., when I first get up, so I can have my coffee. I’ve been struggling with insomnia for close to two years. I don’t even try to go back to sleep anymore.

   © Mary Long | Shutterstock
Source: © Mary Long | Shutterstock

Every month I meet with other women from the entrepreneur program I was a part of in 2018, before I had my stroke. Right now, we’re meeting over Zoom. We support each other in our respective businesses, give each other feedback and generally have a good time. I look forward to getting together with these women who have become my friends. I knew I was in trouble this past Saturday when I couldn’t wait for the meeting to end so I could burrow back under the covers.

To add to the tough time I was going through, I received a warning from my manager at work regarding my performance. I’m not meeting my numbers, but I know for a fact that neither are my co-workers. I haven’t met my numbers since I started working full-time since coming back from my stroke so I don’t really know why he is choosing this month in particular to issue this warning. Part of the reason, he cites, is the time I take off to attend my medical appointments. I want to ask him how I’m supposed to choose between my health – which admittedly the second half of this year has been a struggle – and my job? I don’t even want to know his answer.

The thing is, typically when I start to feel depressed, I feel fear because I know how quickly things can go downhill. I believe that’s why Dr. Lev prescribed the medication. Right now, I just feel depressed and flat. That is frightening.