Self-Esteem
Your Reasons for Accomplishment Determine Your Success
Achievements can’t deliver a lasting sense of value. What’s their true purpose?
Updated December 12, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- In ancestral times, our value was found in loving embraces and accomplishments were an offering to all life.
- In our culture, our value is seldom reflected back to us and accomplishments become an attempt to earn value.
- Its time we reclaim our innate value and turn accomplishment into self-expression and a way of helping others.
Do you remember the moments your parents celebrated when you were growing up? Were they your small wins, your major milestones, or both? For me, those celebrated moments revolved around letter grades — As, Bs, Cs, Ds and the dreaded F — that appeared on a small, folded report card. When I brought home mostly As, I was cheered in ways that meant the world to me — there were warm hugs, a special trip to the tiny bookstore in the mall to pick out any book I wanted, and most of all the feeling that I was living up to my parents’ hopes. I felt seen, valued, and enough.
It’s easy to see why these moments stayed with me.
What about you? What times do you recall most vividly? Were your parents’ cheers loudest for victories on the basketball court, trophies won at science fairs, the runs scored for your little league baseball team, or, like me, the grades printed on your report card?
These celebrated successes linger within us, leaving impressions that last a lifetime. At their best, they lift us — inspiring us to aim higher and sparking a belief that we can reach for what might seem impossible. But too often, in our modern world, they carry unspoken expectations that quietly shape what we strive for, influence how we see ourselves, and impact how we relate to others (Henderlong and Lepper, 2002; Elliot and Dweck, 1988; Dweck, 1999).
I’m getting ahead of myself, so let’s step back and look at achievement — and how it shapes our lives — from the beginning to our ancestral roots, where celebrated moments were a far cry from what they are today.
An Innate Sense of Value, Lost in Time
Picture Tari, a young girl living some 20,000 years in the past, growing up in a close-knit village of 40 people. Arriving into this world, Tari is welcomed by adoring eyes and cradled by eager hands. She grows up certain of her value because she’s experiencing it daily through the simplest of acts — she sees and feels it in the loving, intimate gazes of everyone around her. Feeling her own worth and welcome in the world, Tari lives with an ease that comes from knowing she, along with everyone around her, belongs in the circle of life (Weller, 2015).
But it’s not only her value that’s reflected in Tari.
In her village, every child is believed to possess special gifts, and Tari is no exception. As she grows, Tari’s village discovers her talents — her enchanting flute-playing, her uncanny accuracy with a sling, and her intuitive ability to heal with plants. They lovingly support and nurture these gifts, celebrating each step in her journey toward realizing her unique abilities.
Seen and encouraged by her village, Tari’s natural talents transform into something greater than individual skill. Her flute playing, for example, grows beyond technical proficiency. She crafts her own melodies, using music as a vital form of personal expression. And when she performs at gatherings, her songs become treasured offerings, bringing her people closer together and leaving a lasting impression.
But in our modern world, things are markedly different.
When Value Became a Number
It starts early in our young lives. Picture two parents spread thin, juggling full-time jobs, their children’s needs, and the challenges of day-to-day life. Picture a grade school teacher managing a classroom of 25 students. Imagine a coach showing 16 small children how to navigate their first soccer game.
It’s easy to see how the busy adults in our young lives often lacked the time and capacity to reflect our value to us, never mind seeing our innate gifts and helping us develop them. As a result, our inherent value and natural abilities too often remained unseen, fading into the background.
And what happens to us then?
From parents to school teachers, youth pastors to soccer coaches, we’re told stories about the accomplishments that matter most to them. And, when we succeed on their terms, we’re celebrated. We might grow up with parents who value high grades and cheer our top marks. Our teachers might encourage us to work diligently and reward us when we exceed their expectations. Our coaches might urge us to run faster, push harder, and endure pain, praising our efforts when we show the grit it takes to power through discomfort.
As small children, we start to notice the shift: A simple reach for a hug is sometimes overlooked or brushed aside. But when we bring home a perfect report card or a first-place ribbon, everything changes — there’s a wave of excitement and a trip to the nearby ice cream shop for a special treat.
Bit by bit, we internalize an unspoken yet powerful lesson: Our value isn’t something we inherently possess — it’s something only accomplishment can grant us. (Wallace, 2023) And with that belief, we devote ourselves to the achievements our elders value.
Accomplishment begins to control us. We become trapped in a never-ending cycle of achieving what we’re told matters most, convinced that if we do enough, we can finally earn our value.
But, what really happens to us as we strive to accomplish this way?
Let’s look at academic grades, where our achievement is measured in letter grades. These grades only really measure our ability to complete homework and perform well on tests. They don’t capture our inherent value. It’s heartbreaking that our achievements at school are measured in ways that totally overlook what matters most in life: fostering curiosity, expanding our sense of empathy, building meaningful connections, and developing a genuine desire to learn from and better the world around us.
Still, we strive for these accomplishments, and what do we gain in the end? We already know. They leave us with nothing more than collections of tokens — medals, prizes, and awards — that fail to deliver the one thing we’ve always hoped for a true sense of value, reflected in the loving gazes of the people around us. (Crocker and Wolfe, 2001)
This isn’t to diminish the significance of accomplishment — it has its rightful place. As Tari showed, when our sense of value is intact and our innate talents are nurtured, our achievements become an authentic expression of ourselves and a meaningful offering to others. Similarly, when our value isn’t tied to what we accomplish, striving beyond our natural abilities can provide a sense of confidence and purpose, particularly when it’s focused on either helping others or our own personal growth. But… when accomplishment becomes about proving our value to the people around us, as this culture often encourages, it is destined to fall short — leaving us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
So, the next time you’re out there working toward a goal, stop and ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Your motivation for achieving will likely determine whether or not you find real success.
References
Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.108.3.593
Dweck, C. S. (1999). The perils and promises of praise. Educational Leadership, 65(2), 34–39.
Elliot ES and Dweck C. (1988). Goals: An approach to motivation and achievement. Journal of personality and social psychology 54: 5-12.
Henderlong J and Lepper MR. (2002). The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.
Wallace, J. B. (2023). Never enough: How toxic achievement culture hurts kids—and what we can do about it. Portfolio.
Weller, F. (2015). The wild edge of sorrow: Rituals of renewal and the sacred work of grief. North Atlantic Books.
