When You Forget to Be a Co-Parent

I work with co-parents every day. They often use my office as a safe place to discuss something they know might spiral out of control. My goal is that they can eventually discuss and come to agreements by themselves, but in the beginning when emotions are high, they often reach out for help...

“I just asked my girlfriend to marry me. We have been together for three years and have lived together for two. I have a 5-year-old son who adores my fiancé.” I watched the child’s mother cringe when the father said that. “For some reason,” the father continued, “My ex will not allow my son to participate in our wedding. My son is very upset. I’m pushing to elope.”

Let’s analyze what might be happening here and then it will be easy to find the solution. Here's a little background.

For years, the co-parents in question had been sharing equal custody of their child. They were very young and did not choose to marry, but now this father is planning to marry his girlfriend. Although the mother had not expressed how upset she was about this, you could feel her anger. She confided that she was upset that she had this man’s child five years ago, but now he’s marrying someone else—and to top it all off, her child “adores” the woman he has chosen to marry. When a co-parent feels overlooked and disrespected, it should not be surprising that they become uncooperative. This mother felt shoved aside, and to exercise what little control she felt she had, she forbade the child from participating in the wedding. The father, not realizing how he had contributed to the problem, offered a flip solution, “I’m pushing to elope.” His response just reinforced how little he was invested in this co-parenting relationship.

This situation is a perfect example of why I take the stance I do when working with co-parents. If a co-parenting relationship is to flourish, they must adopt an attitude of acceptance, collaboration, and respect. This is a new attitude for "exes." The ex-relationship must be left in the past, and the parents must form a whole new relationship, openly respecting each other as the child’s parents. Their common ground is not their ex-relationship or all the years they spent together—good or bad. Their common ground is their child. This mother must know in her heart that no one will take her place—and if Dad and his fiancé have made her feel as if someone could, in this case, his fiancé, then I’m not surprised mother was digging in her heels. She was reasserting the importance of her position.

So, was this mother putting the child first in all this? No, because she was too involved in her hurt when the father so easily moved on that she didn’t realize she was actually using the child as a pawn to make her position known. But I also had to call to the father’s attention that he may have so completely moved on that he had overlooked his responsibility to the co-parenting relationship, as well. This child had two homes. Two allegiances that must work together in his name. Dad forgot about a major member of the team—Mom.

The answer? This father and his fiancé must cultivate a more collaborative co-parenting relationship with his son’s mother. When Mom feels respected as the child’s mother and not overlooked as an ex, she may not be as intimidated by the father moving on and the introduction of another parenting figure in her son’s life. The child participating in the father’s wedding will then become the natural order of things.

Create a Bridge, Not a Wall

The relationship dynamic changes again when both co-parents have new partners. I call this the co-parenting tetra, meaning four people working together in the name of the children in their care. It is then that all the players must realize that a new member has been added to the team and be careful not to allow factions to form—one co-parent and their partner against the other co-parent and their partner. When co-parents perceive they have an ally other than their co-parent, it is easy to slip into an adversarial, “you two against us” frame of mind. The co-parents forget to consult each other and rely on their partner to make parenting decisions.

The example each co-parent sets—how to problem solve, how to respect and cooperate with one another—can create a bridge between the two homes or a wall. A bridge connects the two sides, allowing the children to gently move between the homes. You can see it in your mind—the child smiling as they travel from one loving home to the other. A wall stops the loving interaction and checks the child’s allegiance each time they walk out the door.

United We Stand, Divided We Fall

Don’t misunderstand the above scenario. New partners play a significant role in the ease with which people co-parent and live life after the initial break-up. A bonus parent can contribute to stepfamily chaos or aid in family problem-solving. They can be a significant member of the team or a spoiler. A new partner’s presence impacts everyone, from your children to extended family members to your co-parent. In my case, I was mom to some and bonus mom to others in my care. In these cases, bonus parents must be empowered to make decisions for the safety of the children in their care.

Biological vs. Bonus Parents

So many co-parents have confided that they are afraid their children might prefer their co-parent’s new partner over them. Then when a child calls a bonus parent “Mom” or “Dad,” it affects the parent the same as an arrow to the heart.

I remember one co-parent’s sad voice whisper under her breath while attending co-parenting classes. Up to that point she had been fighting and arguing with her co-parent, so angry he had met someone and moved on. After throwing up all sorts of imagined reasons as to why she would not allow her co-parent’s new partner to be alone with the children, she finally just broke down. “What if they love her?”

Divorce Essential Reads

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce

Thinking About a Divorce?

I’ve heard the same fear from fathers, as well. The vulnerability parents feel regarding their children after a break-up is difficult to explain. Even the most secure parent has confided they feel less at peace in their parenting role after a break-up. Break-ups change everything.

The truth is you want your children to care for their bonus parent. You want their bonus parent to care for your children. There is not either/or in a bonus family, there’s also. Children love their parents, but they can have a special place in their heart for their bonus parents—if you all take the pressure off them having to choose. Because there is no choice, really. The parent is the parent. But you can’t have too many people love your child, and if they aren’t traumatized by leaving your home because they love the people at the other home as well, thank goodness. You’ve all done your job.