The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Beards
Beardology 101: The Art of Not Shaving
Posted Jul 05, 2012
Zack Galifianakis was funniest in one, John Lennon grew one when he wanted to “Give Peace a Chance,” Willie Nelson has a country one and Abraham Lincoln grew one so he’d look better on five-dollar bills and ads for Presidents’ Day sales. As the website dedicated to the truth of beards expounds "A man doesn't grow a beard. A beard grows a man." (proverb from theBeardly.com)
As the proud owner of an unruly beard myself, I figured it was high time to dedicate a few words to the topic so my clean-shaven and emasculated brethren out there might come to understand what it’s like when you forge the wilds of virility and embrace your inner masculine animal.
1) I Consider My Beard My Greatest Achievement So Far
2) Kissing is Difficult But it Will Save Your Relationship
The comedienne Minnie Pearl once said that “Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. You don’t mind going through a little bush to get there.”
I refer you to the following documented beard comments (from women) received over a one week period in July.
My dentist said, “What the hell is on your face?”
My sister said, “You look like a creepy homeless person.”
My mom simply shook her head, “No.”
The sad reality is that the vast majority of women in our society shape their scale of attractiveness on shave-ativity standards passed along to them by typical middle class professions like bankers and politicians.
In my social circle, women and beards go together like fish and bicycles. And so, with women out of the equation, I have more time to devote to important things like jousting, badminton, and learning the Roundel.
Swimming with a beard could easily be considered one of the seven wonders of the world (right after the Great Wall of China and Ronco Spray on Hair). If you have a beard (on the longish side) and you’re a swimmer or a surfer, then you know what I’m talking about. It’s such a beardly experience. It’s like the beard becomes the gigantic squid from "20,000 Leagues under the Sea" in the scene where it’s attacking the vessel and devouring the crew members.
5) Instant Promotion to Alpha Male - No Application Needed
Ever wonder what it might feel like to be a sword toting Conan the Barbarian in today’s society? Two guys interrupted my meal at Chipolte the other day to admire the beard.You would’ve thought they were standing before a Rodin sculpture of John Madden. One guy called the beard “Epic,” no less than ten times. The other said “You’re beard is freakin killer."
6) You Are Only as Great as the Size of Your Beard
Last week, I was performing at a BBYO summer camp for Jewish teens. During my pre-performance walk-about a rumor started that I was Brian Wilson (the closer for the San Francisco Giants). The anticipation built. Was I there to talk about my life in baseball? This week someone wrote on my Facebook wall that I might easily be confused with James Harden, the Oklahoma City Thunder basketball player. As a skinny white beta male jock trapped in an artist’s body being bumped up in the hierarchy is the sort of thing dreams are made of.
Kirlian photography (photography that reveals electromagnetic energy fields) shows a distinct difference between men photographed with beards and men photographed without beards. If you don't believe me, check out this great video of artist Don Matis Jr., who actually paints with his beard: https://vimeo.com/42304208