Grief
Why the Holidays Can Awaken Grief for Who We Used to Be
Holiday rituals often stir memories of past versions of ourselves.
Posted December 11, 2025 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Holiday cues can reactivate emotional memories tied to earlier identities.
- Emotional recall research helps explain why these feelings appear suddenly.
- Seasonal grief may reflect the loss of roles, dreams, or former selves.
The holiday season often brings a mix of warmth, memory, and emotional intensity. Many people describe feeling unexpectedly sad or unsettled this time of year, even when nothing distressing has happened recently. This emotional heaviness is often assumed to be grief for loved ones who are no longer here. But another kind of grief frequently arises, one that is quieter and rarely named: grief for the selves we once were.
Holiday environments are rich with sensory cues: music, scents, decorations, and familiar foods. Research on emotional memory, including work by Holland and Kensinger (2010), shows that emotionally significant cues can vividly reactivate earlier states of mind. This helps explain why a certain song or smell can instantly transport you back to a younger version of yourself, complete with the emotional texture of that time.
These cues do more than evoke nostalgia. They reconnect you with the identity that belonged to that chapter—who you were before transitions, losses, or responsibilities reshaped you.
Grieving Loved Ones and Grieving Past Selves
Grief is not limited to the loss of people. Psychological grief also includes the loss of roles, identities, beliefs, and futures that once felt possible. During the holidays, these internal losses can feel especially pronounced.
People may grieve:
- A former sense of confidence or vitality.
- A relationship or role that once defined them.
- A dream that no longer aligns with their life.
- A chapter that felt simpler or safer.
Holiday traditions highlight the distance between then and now, making this form of grief more visible even when life today is stable.
The discomfort that emerges when people compare their current selves to remembered or idealized versions of themselves is well described in self-discrepancy research. Higgins (1987) observed that when these internal gaps become more visible, emotional tension often follows. The holidays tend to amplify that contrast. Even those who appreciate their present circumstances may still miss what earlier versions of themselves carried, like hope, openness, connection, or innocence.
This is not a sign that something is wrong now. It reflects the emotional significance of past experiences.
How to Work With These Feelings
Instead of dismissing the emotions that surface, you can meet them with curiosity. Grief for a past self often contains important information about values, needs, and personal evolution.
Ask yourself: What version of me is showing up right now? What did that self-love, fear, or hope for?
Naming the remembered identity can turn confusion into understanding.
Acknowledge Your Internal Transitions
Growth often requires releasing identities that once felt familiar. Recognizing these transitions validates the emotional reality of change. You can miss who you were while appreciating who you are now.
Research on rituals, including work by Norton and Gino (2014), shows that even small symbolic acts can help people navigate emotional transitions. Lighting a candle for a former chapter, writing a note to a past self, or placing a symbolic object in your holiday space can provide grounding and meaning. Rituals do not erase grief. They create a bridge between who you were and who you are becoming.
It is normal to feel both gratitude and grief during the holidays. Emotional ambivalence is a sign of depth. Allowing multiple emotions to coexist creates a more honest and compassionate experience of the season.
Sometimes the parts of ourselves that return during the holidays simply need acknowledgment and release. But other times, these returning selves are gently pointing toward a truth we’ve been avoiding—a need, desire, or direction in our current life that wants attention. Not every emotional echo is meant to pull us backward; some are meant to guide us toward what requires care now. Listening to these signals can help us align more authentically with who we are becoming.
Final Reflection
When emotions resurface during the holidays, they can feel like they interrupt the season. But often, these emotional waves reflect the richness of who you have been and the evolution of who you are now. The holidays do not only remind us of people we miss. They remind us of earlier selves, the hopeful, vulnerable, joyful, or unguarded versions of us who once moved through these same rituals.
These returning selves do not appear without purpose. Some come back because they carry memories that still need to be acknowledged or released. Others return because they hold wisdom of something you once knew, valued, or desired that deserves attention now. They can point toward unmet needs, forgotten dreams, or inner truths that have been overshadowed by the demands of adult life. Not every emotional echo asks you to look back; some ask you to listen forward.
These inner visitations represent chapters that shaped you and identities that carried you through meaningful seasons of life. They are reminders not only of what has been lost but of what still matters.
Grief for a past self is not a setback. It is a sign of continuity and depth. Honoring what those earlier selves gave you and listening to what they are trying to show you now allows you to meet your current self with more compassion and clarity.
References
Holland, A. C., & Kensinger, E. A. (2010). Emotion and autobiographical memory. Emotion Review, 2(1), 1–16.
Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319–340.
Norton, M. I., & Gino, F. (2014). Rituals alleviate grieving for loved ones, lovers, and lotteries. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(1), 266–272.
