Regret: A Path to Self-Knowledge and Wisdom

Recently I was on a cruise ship awaiting the evening show when I noticed a middle-aged woman standing a few rows in front of me dancing away. After witnessing her passionate performance several nights in a row, I spoke to her a few nights before the cruise ended, greeting her with, “Hi, Dancing Queen!” She stopped suddenly, turned to me, and looking quite sad, she said, "It’s the biggest regret in my life—that I didn’t become a dancer. And it has haunted me ever since.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t see her again, so I have no idea what had transpired in her life years ago. I did wonder what stopped her from pursuing a dancing career and why she hadn’t been able to get engaged in some dancing activity in her life. But mostly, I wondered about the function of regret in our lives and how often it can be a learning opportunity—a valuable vehicle for self-knowledge and growth—as many philosophers suggest.

For most of us, the decisions we regret were made at a time in our lives when we were different in many ways from what we are like now. We had different values, different needs, different attitudes, and more rudimentary interpersonal and intellectual skills. We knew less about the way the world worked and what was important to others. While our younger personalities often bear some resemblance to our adult selves, most of us have matured along the way, acquiring new information, skills, and attitudes. We are no longer the impulsive teenage boy showing off reckless feats of “courage” or the teenage girl intensely trying to gain support from friends for her clothing and make-up choices. We have matured.

Missing or Skewed Elements in Earlier Decisions

Looking back at the behavior and decisions we regret, it’s important to ask ourselves what influenced those actions at the time. Were we too young to realize the consequences of our behavior, or too dependent on peer approval? Were we too inhibited or too impulsive? Did we lack good judgment in general or simply lack information about a particular topic?

Often, we’re unaware of which behaviors are typical of an age group and, as a result, we‘re unnecessarily bothered by what we did. One chronically depressed woman relayed in therapy her experience at a family reunion where they were showing family videos. She witnessed herself as a 3-year-old hamming it up in front of the camera and shared her chagrin, saying, “I couldn’t believe how self-centered I was at such an early age.” Totally unaware of how typical showing off is for small children, she was mistaken that she was unduly self-centered at age 3. But she discovered through psychotherapy that she was extremely self-critical, a trait that had created numerous problems in her life.

Another patient felt burdened by an incident that occurred when she was 10 years old. She had encouraged her friend of the same age to jump into the deep water at the local pool and join her in swimming, even though her friend protested that she didn’t feel comfortable doing so. When her friend finally gave in to her laughing, unrelenting shouts of “Just jump in!” the friend floundered in staying afloat, but, fortunately, she was quickly rescued by the attending lifeguard. Upon exiting the pool, her friend’s first words were: "Why didn’t you jump in and save me?” With her friend’s rebuke, she felt guilty for pressuring her friend to jump into the deep water and regretted not trying to save her.

Why didn’t she attempt to save her? At ten years of age, she was unaware of the seriousness of the situation and believed that if only her friend tried harder, she could swim in deep water. Without the foresight of an older person, her judgment of the situation was clearly impaired. But blaming herself for not having the wherewithal at age 10 to act more wisely is unduly self-critical.

Source: istock/Techa Tungateja

In another example, a 40-year-old man in therapy was obsessed with his earlier decision not to pursue romantically “the love of his life,” who was a work colleague and close friend. When he first met her at age 21, he was strongly attracted to her but decided not to ask her out on a date because she had strong religious convictions, and he wanted to explore sex. So, he played it safe and never talked to her about how much he was attracted to her. Subsequently, they both married other people.

Over time, he continued to find his work colleague highly attractive and his wife decidedly less so. His colleague, on the other hand, seemed happy with her family life, which left him with few options and much regret. Like many others, he had failed to act in a romantic situation and was left to fantasize how much better life could have been with a different partner. In fact, failure to pursue a romantic relationship, usually because of fear of rejection, is among the most common of all regrets.

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As for the 40-year-old man, he was unaware of how much he idealized his colleague, and how, in general, fantasy intensifies romantic attraction. In addition, a lifelong pattern of failing to initiate action to meet his needs contributed to his many regrets. Fortunately, therapy was helpful in reducing his passivity and regret-filled obsessions.

In Summary

Whenever regret consumes our time and energy, it is wise to ask ourselves what was important to us at the time we regret. What were our values, needs, motives, and skills then? Have we matured over time or are there still remnants of those regretted qualities in our adult behavior? Are we still too self-critical, too impulsive, or lacking in initiative? If so, then these qualities need attention in psychotherapy or in self-improvement of another kind.

If we learned from our mistakes, then compassionate self-forgiveness and remedial action if necessary are the wisest options. Finding out too late, for example, that we didn’t save enough money for retirement might be unfortunate, but perhaps we were living our life with enthusiasm, kindness, and integrity and doing the best we could. If this was the case, a shift in perspective along with current money-saving efforts will help to move forward constructively.

We all make mistakes! The trick in life is to learn from these errors in judgment and not be defined or consumed by them. As an Anonymous author once said, “Regret is a powerful teacher; its lessons shape a wiser tomorrow.” To reap this wisdom, however, it is necessary to pay attention to this powerful teacher and cultivate its benefits in our lives in a variety of ways.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.