How to Quit Putting Yourself Down

Humility is a value I learned quickly in my life. As a young person who stumbled into life with a dance to a different drum, I quickly discovered the value of the ability to learn from others. As an autistic youth, the social tendencies that came most naturally to me were not often what others around me expected. I didn't know the social norms. In the etiquette books I took to reading (admittedly an odd hobby for a preteen, I took a message that a bow to others is only polite.

When social skills are taught to young people, there tends to be some bias toward passivity. As a once-student in social skills groups and classes, I remember many times role-playing a strategy of walking away during conflict. Yet, I don't remember being taught other strategies like negotiation or standing up for myself. And traditional conceptualizations of "good manners" do not always align with effective communication or integrity.

For some time, I had a habit of putting myself down. If something went wrong, I was the first to take the heat, whether or not I genuinely believed myself to be at fault. I took accountability for any possible way I could have made a mistake and owned it.

I hoped that by doing so, I would reflect accountability and respect. I found that others would repeat the negative things I said about myself or show discomfort. This was not my intention at all.

Further, I would not want others to put themselves down, and could understand why such behavior might make some uncomfortable! I worked with a therapist to change.

Respect Is Not About Deference

Contrary to what I once believed, a study examining blame found that people who accepted a high level of self-blame were more prone to social anxiety, shame, depression, anxiety, and anger than those who took a more balanced approach (Gilbert and Miles, 2000). The study also suggested that participants' outlook on their social rank compared to others affected how they relate to blame with people who see themselves at a lower social rank accepting more. Fear of authority and desire for appeasement may lead to an unanticipated consequence of self-sabotage.

Respect is not about deference. When we negate ourselves and our ideas, we prime others to do the same.

An Open Mind With Its Own Ideas

Honesty is the most basic sign of respect. By sharing our authentic experiences and perspectives, we demonstrate trust. When that trust counters what we believe that person might want to hear, we display regard for the other person's maturity to respond appropriately.

Of course, there are times when it would be unproductive to point out another's misstep or disagree. We can still grant ourselves the basic respect of not disowning our views in favor of others' perspectives.

An open mind allows us to learn from those around us. Yet, being open to others' ideas does not mean we let go of our own. While research links agreeableness as a personality trait to positive attributes, such as an affinity for collaboration and work investment (Wilmont and Ones, 2022), strong levels of agreeableness can have some disadvantages. In one study of 83 individuals given both a personality inventory and a test of creativity, it was found that those with lower levels of agreeableness scored higher on the task of creativity (Giancola et al., 2021).

There seems to be a middle ground where, ideally, a person can appreciate opposing thoughts without compromising their own.

4 Things to Do Instead of Putting Yourself Down

1. Be Curious. When you notice a difference between your stance and another person's, embrace curiosity. Rather than immediately bowing down, show interest in what they have to share without either dismissing their ideas or your own. Social rank theory predicts that we are more likely to take note of a person's angle if they are in authority over us. I have found it meaningful to intentionally compensate for this by extending curiosity as liberally as possible, regardless of social rank.
2. Don't Take Blame for Things That Aren't Your Fault. If you do not think something is your fault, don't say it is. Assigning blame is not usually necessary for problem-solving. A focus on finding solutions is more productive.
3. Challenge Fearful Self-Talk. Often, deference comes from fearful ideas that we hold about others. Perhaps you might think that someone would retaliate or harm you if you showed signs of dissent. Sometimes, ideas like these come from an earlier time in our lives when it may have been helpful to think this way, but rarely do attitudes like this assist us as adults. If you notice yourself engaging in fearful self-talk about others, ask yourself, "What evidence do I have for this?" There might be other explanations that you are not thinking of. You can also present your situation to an unbiased other.
4. Ask for Help. If you notice yourself repeatedly putting yourself down and feel stuck in a cycle of self-criticism, it may be time to reach out for help. Psychotherapies like compassion-focused therapy (CFT) can give you space to build up your core self and work with your internal dialogue. In turn, this can translate to taking action in real life to be the kind of person you wish to be. Other approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy can also help, by directly challenging ineffective thinking to adopt more workable ideas. Lastly, if you have difficulties with confidence related to experiences of trauma, trauma-focused therapies like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) could be helpful. As a psychotherapist using all of these approaches, I have witnessed several beautiful metamorphoses as individuals achieve freedom from self-limiting beliefs and behaviors and the trauma that often underlies these.

Conclusion

There is value in taking accountability and collaborating with others. Still, this does not have to mean putting ourselves down or relinquishing contrary ideas. Finding a balance between respect for self and others' ideas and capabilities is ideal for teamwork and creative problem-solving.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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