Never Apologize for Loving Someone

On the couch across from me in my sparkly therapy room, people share sacred pains, joys, and realities. As a therapist, I listen and accompany them in their story. Something that intrigues me is that the strongest emotions I hear are almost always rooted in love.

Sometimes it's beautiful, preparation for a wedding, birth, or birthday. Other times, it's tragic, like the loss of a child, parent, partner, or friend. Love and worry/grief are sides of the same coin.

Grief and worry for others are typically characterized as one-sided emotions within a single person. Yet, I would argue that what makes these two experiences particularly powerful is that, often, these transcend the self, reaching toward a connection.

What is also interesting is a common acknowledgment that the struggle is shared. A person might be grieving the loss of a loved one while also minding the ripples of hurt spread throughout a circle of family and friends. We can miss the person but also grieve for what they will miss out on, particularly when death comes for someone unnaturally early in life.

All of this is healthy.

What can be damaging is a denial of our emotional process. We might think, "This is going to be harder on this other person, so I need to be strong." Or we might hide our hurt in fear of contributing to others' suffering. There can be an implicit guilt or apology for the responses we are having as if there are only so many spots available at the table of grief, and we do not deserve even the one we have been assigned.

The reality is that there are unlimited spaces.

What I have found both as a human and a mental health professional is that this adds injury to everyone.

Often, two people will leave left unsaid the same worries magnifying the sorrow for both as they face their load alone. Yet, if they can speak these out loud, a door opens for healing.

As social creatures, often we need one another to rejuvenate. It's not about putting a burden on another person but making the weight of life lighter for all of us.

If you are struggling with worry for another person or grief, know you are not alone. Relating to others, whether they are worried or grieving for the same person or just fellow travelers through life, is a meaningful step that you can take. Support communities and psychotherapy, especially group therapy, are also spaces for this.

A good friend once said, "We get hurt in relationships and also heal in relationships." Grief and worry are often signs of love. You never need to apologize for loving someone.