What's Hiding Behind Your Fear of Abandonment?

Of all the challenges that lead individuals to psychotherapy, one of the most common and persistent I have encountered is the fear of abandonment. This might show up as anxiety in everyday relationships or a fear of loss of a particular relationship. For some, it is transient, like a worry about being ghosted at the beginning of a relationship. Other times, it is more pervasive, leaning into multiple relationships.

A sense of connection is among the strongest needs our species has. The loss of a close friend or family member is also one of the most painful experiences we go through in life. But what if the anticipatory grief of losing someone shows up so strongly that it affects your ability to relate effectively and brings anxiety?

Fear of abandonment can foster someone to engage in behaviors that ironically create their worst fear. Actions like checking up on someone, worrying so much about losing someone as to feel blocked from getting close to them while they are here, or disengaging can all be ways a fear of abandonment shows up. It is a nasty cycle.

What follows are five core challenges that can underlie a fear of abandonment and how this can be approached.

1. Traumatic Loss

If you've experienced loss in the past, particularly as a child, it can be more difficult to get closer to someone in the present. A study that followed 109 youth who lost a parent over six years found anxiety in romantic relationships and fear of losing the surviving parent to be common (Schoenfelder et al., 2011). Loss does not have to mean death. Having a parent who was not involved in one's life, or was not present otherwise, such as a parent who was often intoxicated, can also represent grief. In addition, losses as adults can also make it harder to trust again until we've worked through it, whether the loss involves death, the end of a relationship, or estrangement.

What We Can Do: Healing the wound of a traumatic loss is an intricate process that is different for everyone. Connecting with those still in our lives, especially others who knew the person who has disappeared from our lives, can be powerful. Yet, this is not always realistic. Working through grief sometimes takes space for expression through art, music, writing, and other ritualistic celebrations of the person lost. Psychotherapy to discuss this core pain can also help.

2. Anxiety and Obsessive Fears

The loss of a loved one is among the strongest fears in America. Anxiey can naturally target this. In addition, a manifestation of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder known as Relationship OCD can cause intrusive, repeated doubts regarding one's relationships, particularly romantic ones.

What We Can Do: Facing the uncertainty regarding loss and the core fears surrounding it (such as fear of being alone or of not being able to go on without the other) is part of working through these fears. Psychotherapy that focuses on managing uncertainty, such as Acceptance Commitment Therapy, can help us recognize what we value in relationships and move toward that rather than clinging to obsessive doubts. For people with OCD, Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERPT) is another evidence-based approach.

3. Self-Other Confusion

Self-other confusion is a term for blending with another person such that we no longer feel separate as people. We lose ourselves in the other to an extent where we may no longer know what we think or feel versus what the other person thinks or feels anymore. This is a common experience among individuals with attachment-based challenges, particularly Borderline Personality Disorder (Luyten et al., 2021). For individuals experiencing self-other confusion, loss of the other not only represents loss of that person but a loss of self as well, which is terrifying.

What We Can Do: Remembering who you are after having become lost in another person is a journey. Psychotherapy, particularly Mentalization-Based Therapy, can help. Exploring one's personal joys and interests beyond the relationship can be a part of healing, yet learning to relate to others in a way that both feels safe and contained is a more elaborate process.

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4. Isolation or Difficulty Relating to Others

For someone with few close people in their life, the value placed on those relationships can be high. This is especially true if the person believes that they would not be able to get close to anyone else. This puts the stakes of loss quite high, adding to the fear of abandonment.

What We Can Do: People become secluded from others for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, a lack of trust or difficulty building connections plays a role. Other times, a person might just prefer a small circle. If building a stronger support system is possible and desired, this can assist with the fear of abandonment. This said, if greater issues exist that are keeping someone from getting close to others, more work may need to be done. Psychotherapy can serve as a guide in this journey, even in the practice of building a therapeutic relationship.

5. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Fear of abandonment is listed as a criterion for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For people with BPD, fear of abandonment often involves a mix of the challenges listed above. An underdeveloped sense of identity coupled with a strong focus on others, complex trauma, and/or depression that are common in BPD create a perfect storm for fear of abandonment to thrive.

What We Can Do: Psychotherapy can be beneficial to people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) utilizes skills-building to encourage someone to create new pathways for tolerating distress in relationships, thereby often strengthening relationships. Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT) is also an evidence-based treatment for BPD. In mentalization-based approaches, the spotlight is on relationships with self and others from an attachment-based view.

In Closing

If you are experiencing fears of abandonment, you are not alone. There are a variety of root causes for this challenge, as well as ways to work through it. Help is available.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.