When Your Empty Nest Is a Revolving Door

Your job was to raise your children and send them off into the world…but what if they come back? Not just once, but so often that your project to paint their room and turn it into your home office still has swatches of paint where their posters used to hang, and by now, their dog has adopted you?

As of 2014, about 32% of young adults lived with their parents, a sharp increase from the 10% who did so in 2000. In 2020, the number rose to almost 52%. While both the pandemic and the closing of colleges contributed to this dramatic rise, the erratic nature of both of those factors makes it difficult to come by more current statistics.

Yet anecdotally, it appears that the boomerang effect is still going on; some kids have launched temporarily and then returned home. Others haven’t left yet, and some have moved back home for the first time for a variety of reasons, ranging from the latest virus surge to losing a job or roommate, breaking up with a romantic partner, or reassessing their career paths and going back to school. Starting or restarting life in your 20s is particularly hard and unpredictable when we’re all waiting for what we hope will be a more stable new normal.

Whether kids are returning home for economic reasons or simply because they are having a hard time cutting the cord, the key is to make the situation successful for all involved. Having a history of getting along is no guarantee that things will go smoothly when adult children move back in. Parent/child relationships change when children become adults and adults have become accustomed, however briefly, to an empty nest, and it’s important to set new ground rules that respect the needs of all involved, even if the arrangement is just temporary.

Discuss the potential return with your spouse before agreeing. When an adult child asks to move back in, the correct reply isn’t “yes” or “no”—it’s “I’ll discuss it with your mother/father.”

This is too big a decision to make without reaching an agreement as a couple. Don’t assume that you and your partner will be on the same page—it’s very common for married people to have different reactions and concerns, in part due to the different roles partners play in the household.

Example: The parent who tends to do most of the housework might react with concern that he/she will have to pick up after the grown child if he moves back in. Or the parent who handles the family finances might be concerned about whether this will affect their retirement plans. If either partner feels forced into this new living arrangement, the household’s relationship stresses will rise and things are unlikely to go smoothly.

Additionally, it is important to discuss whether this is a healthy choice for everyone. Is home a place to recover from a temporary setback? Can you provide emotional support and help get them back on their feet, or are you worried that if you make your refuge too comfortable, they’ll never leave?

Negotiate a set of house rules as you would with any new roommate. Worried about getting your sleep? A rule limiting noise after 10 p.m. could be the solution. Worried that they’ll eat everything in your fridge? There could be a rule about labeling their own food or contributing a certain amount of money to the food budget. The key is to create these rules together with your kid—but you have the right to lead the conversation.

It’s preferable if the rules apply equally to all members of the household. When parents simply impose a set of rules on an adult child, it reinforces the uneven parent/minor child dynamic of the past, which stands in the way of building a successful relationship as adults. If you’re thinking, "It’s my house and I have every right to set the rules," you’re absolutely correct—you do have that right. But if you make the decision not to take excessive advantage of that right, everyone will benefit. The adult child who is handed a list of rules is likely to feel disrespected and even might respond by reverting to teenage behavior.

Instead, have a sit-down meeting where everyone proposes and discusses potential house rules. Explain why each rule you propose is important to you, then open the rule up for honest discussion. Be willing to modify your proposed rules if your kid voices valid concerns about them, like limiting when and who they can invite home. Helpful: Check out sample roommate agreement forms. They are free and available from RocketLawyer.com and Nolo.com.

5 Issues to Discuss With Your Adult Children

There are five topics that need to be discussed and agreed to when parents and adult children work through the details of the arrangement.

Money. If they’re moving in to save money, pay down student debt, or survive a spell of unemployment, it might not be practical to request ­market-rate rent. Still, adult children who live at home should contribute to the household, even if it’s a token amount. Exception: If money is extremely tight for them, you could negotiate a certain number of hours each week toward household chores in lieu of rent.

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Money is especially likely to become a point of contention if an adult child pays very low (or no) rent but splurges on vacations, dinners out with friends, and/or excessive clothes.

Parents can offer assistance with setting budgets. As time goes on, parents can request an increase in rent if it appears the child is capable of paying more without hardship, but it’s not appropriate to criticize their spending or demand that it stop. They’re adults with the right to make their own financial decisions—even if you don’t agree with those decisions. But you have a right to tell them to move out if your goodwill is being chronically abused.

Guests. It is perfectly reasonable for them to have friends over—including romantic friends. But it’s also perfectly reasonable for parents to feel a bit uncomfortable about having adult strangers in their house.

The best compromise often is to allow guests but set limits. These might include constraining the days and times when guests can visit, how frequently, and if the boy or girlfriend has, de facto, already moved in. It’s certainly reasonable to set a limit on how often romantic friends can sleep over—or even if they can sleep in the same room if it runs counter to your religious or moral beliefs. It’s one thing to let them move back in, but another thing entirely to have their partners virtually living in your home without agreeing to it first.

Curfews. It’s not appropriate to set a curfew for adult kids. If they were living somewhere else, you wouldn’t even know they were out late. Some parents struggle with this, lying awake at night worried about their kids’ safety until they finally hear the door open in the wee hours.

It’s reasonable to request a text message on nights that they’ll be out later than expected or spending the night somewhere else Try presenting this request as a courtesy the adult child could do for you, not an obligation. Example: “You have every right to stay out late. It’s just hard for a parent to get out of that worrying mode, even when their kids are grown. A quick text would ­really help me.”

Personal spaces. Once you give them a room in your home, it’s their private space. Don’t enter without permission unless there’s some emergency. Don’t insist they clean it; that’s not your business anymore. But you can insist that shared spaces such as bathrooms be kept to your standard of cleanliness and that they clean up after themselves and do their own dishes and laundry.

Move-out date. Consider establishing a tentative end date before they move in. If the reason is to save money while in grad school, set a move-out date within a few months of graduation. Are you expecting to retire, sell the home, and relocate? Share the anticipated sale date with the kid.

Having a move-out date can decrease the odds of misunderstandings, improve their motivation to search for a job or pay down debt, and help you reassure yourself that this is a temporary situation.

Consider the Upside

Having an adult child move back in might feel like a setback—but for many families, it actually turns out very well. This is a chance to build a new relationship with a loved one who previously was your responsibility but who now is something much closer to a peer. You might enjoy having a drink together or trying a new hobby.

Moving back might mean that the adult child will be partially dependent on you longer than expected…but it also means that you can be dependent on this adult child in ways that otherwise might not be possible. Examples: If you go out of town, he can water the plants and take care of your dog. If you need a ride to the airport, she might drive you.

Remind yourself—and your adult child—that it’s perfectly normal for families to be interdependent on each other. Right now, that means you’re providing your child with a place to live…but later it might mean that the child is there to help you.