Pleasure as We Age

By 2050, the number of adults age 65 and older will exceed the number of adolescents and young people aged 15–24, according to a recent study. What does this mean for older adults? Resigned to ageist and stereotypical notions of aging? Or is it time to take center stage, become the majority, spread your wings, and open up to pleasure?

What does ageism have to do with sexuality?

Ageism, or the dismissive view of older people, can be extended to an older adult’s sexual life in the form of sexual ageism, or the dismissive view of older people’s sexuality. Contrary to ageist and mainstream narratives, older adults continue to value their sexual expression throughout their later years, according to Amelia Portellas and her colleagues, who conducted a cross-cultural study in Australia, the United Kingdom, and the United States.

Aging-related physical changes do not necessarily lead to a decline in sexual functioning. What constitutes continued sexual activity in older adults includes good physical and mental health, positive attitudes toward sex in later life, and access to a healthy partner. Researchers at the University of Michigan and AARP found that almost three-quarters of older adults report sexual satisfaction.

Ever wondered why older adults have sex?

No one ever asks why younger people have sex. It’s a given. They’re hormonally driven. They’re horny. They seek pleasure. They want babies. But why would older people have sex? If it’s not for procreation, what is the reason? Gewirtz-Meydan and her colleagues asked why and found that most older people had sex to maintain overall functioning, to feel young again, to feel attractive and desirable, to go from lust to love, and to go from “getting sex” to “giving sex.”

Sex can combat social isolation

Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy called social isolation a public health crisis in need of the same investments in research as other public health challenges. Being older and single puts one at higher risk for becoming socially isolated. But finding a partner to be sexual with can be scary, especially if you are older. If you spend more time with your phone, your porn, your TV shows, or your games, try spending some quality time with a real-live person. Sexual expression is one way to combat social isolation.

From pinochle to poker to pillow talk

Enlist friends, join meet-up groups, volunteer for a cause you care about, sing in a local chorus, try online dating apps, perhaps even use a matchmaker to help you find someone you’re interested in. It might not be forever. It might not be for love. It might be purely for sex. It might be for companionship, a few hours a week. How about the people you play pinochle, poker, or pickleball with? Or the people you eat lunch with at your senior center? You get the idea. Getting to know someone through a common interest might lead to a deeper connection.

Pleasure in connection

This could be the time you’ve been waiting for all your life. Fewer constraints. Less peer pressure. More autonomy. Recent studies have shown that many older adults report the best sex in their lifetimes after the age of 50. In my research and book on LGBTQ elders, it was reported that the best sex was after 60. If you’re afraid your body is not what it used to be, don’t try to iron out those wrinkles or lift those sags. What’s inside counts. We spend so many years ashamed of our bodies. Why not make this a time where we say no to all of that body shame? We’ve spent our lives in these bodies. Our bodies have taken us places and accomplished feats that many young people have never dreamed of. Embrace those years, embrace your body changes, and remember that the body next to you may be going through the very same emotions.

Emergent pleasure

Whether you never had much sexual pleasure as a younger person, or you experienced great sexual pleasure, or your partner has died, you’ve gotten divorced, or have dealt with physical or mental health impairments, you still deserve sexual pleasure. Time is short. There’s no time to wait. Nothing is permanent, not your sexual orientation, your sexual script, your sexual identity, or your sexual partner. Think not only of the losses you’ve experienced, but also of aging as a time of emergent pleasure and joy.

If you’re having sex, if you want to have sex, or even if you don’t ever want to have sex again, that it is your choice and no one else’s. You might have a wonderfully romantic relationship with one person, but have no sex with them. You might have a hot sexual relationship with someone, but never see them in the light of day. You might find holding hands with someone is just about all you feel capable of at this moment. You might never want to have sex with anyone else again. Wherever you are, whatever you desire, it’s your body, your choice, your life. From a sexual wellness perspective, you can determine what form that pleasure can take.