Divorce
The Film "Erasing Family" Is a Call to Action After Divorce
A documentary exposes the trauma children suffer when a parent is "erased."
Posted March 16, 2021 Reviewed by Chloe Williams
- After divorce, one parent may aim to destroy or harm the relationship the child has with their other parent.
- Parental alienation occurs when a child does not want to have a relationship with a parent due to the other parent's manipulation, such as false or exaggerated claims.
- Children who experience parental alienation may appear to be fine, but they can have poor boundaries, express their pain through self-harm and not know how to form healthy relationships.
- Family court can make conflict between parents worse. Parents should seek mediation and, if alienation occurs, help from a therapist.
Recently, I watched the film, Erasing Family, a documentary that exposes the trauma children suffer when a loving parent is erased from their lives after divorce. It was riveting. I sat down to chat with the filmmaker, Ginger Gentile.
I asked her if she has a personal connection with the subject, as I suspected. Ginger experienced her parents’ high conflict divorce, suffered as her parents badmouthed each other, and to get away from the stress, she moved to Argentina for 13 years.
Ann Gold Buscho: What made you decide to make the film?
Ginger Gentile: I went to Argentina in 2003 and met a man who hadn’t seen his daughter in six years. Then I learned that many fathers in Argentina have been disconnected from their children. Erasing Dad was my first film and became the most talked-about film in Argentina.
AGB: So you saw the toll that the loss of their children took on the men (and their children) in Argentina and this inspired you. Your film made a difference for many fathers in Argentina! In fact, after the film was released the law was changed to allow joint custody. This is quite an accomplishment. So you had a new awareness of families broken by divorce and came back to the States.
GG: Yes, I decided to make a follow-up film when I returned home. I was surprised by how common parental alienation is. I found that it isn’t just dads. Many mothers are not allowed to see their children. I posted a question about this on Facebook and was shocked at the responses from parents and even from children. So many people reached out to me. In the film, all the children are from social media posts.
AGB: You use the term “parental alienation,” as opposed to the children who “refuse-resist” seeing a parent. How do you define parental alienation? I have seen that alienation is often successful when the other parent has “possession” of the kids. It empowers the alienating parent.
GG: “Parental alienation” is a term used in treatment but it also includes children who want to see their parent but can’t. It refers to the parents’ behaviors that aim to destroy or harm the relationship the child has with their other parent. These kids might be scared or believe the other parent doesn’t want to see them.
AGB: I know you have spoken with hundreds of families while making the film, many more than we see in the film. How have you seen the effect of parental alienation on children's mental health?
GG: I saw that many kids look good on the outside. They are doing well at school but suffering on the inside. Many of these kids express their pain through self-harming behaviors, such as cutting. They don’t know how to form healthy relationships and may avoid relationships completely. They can have very poor boundaries.
AGB: I can imagine that these children would have a very hard time trusting anyone, and would also have a very damaged sense of self. Since alienation often gets worse over time, the damage can be deep and long-lasting. I have also seen kids who ultimately reject the alienating parent to develop a relationship with the parent they haven’t been allowed to see.
GG: I met kids who tried to see the alienated parent and then ended up homeless because their custodial parent wouldn’t take them back. I have even seen psychosis—not because of conflict with their parent, but because they literally “erase” a parent to cope with the rejection or loss.
AGB: How has the pandemic affected the custody battles? I know that there have been many cases where a parent withheld the children due to concern about exposure to the virus. Generally, the courts have ruled that the custody orders remain unchanged. You've told me that we don’t have good statistics in the US but you believe that the pandemic has been used by some parents as an excuse to alienate the other parent.
GG: I call myself a “family court abolitionist.” Family court is by definition always adversarial. The court system makes the conflict worse, not better. And the money spent on court battles could be spent on resources for families who are struggling. Divorcing parents need access to affordable mediation services, mental health services, parenting classes. There is a myth about going to court. People believe you will get justice or even healing. This thinking is understandable; if you are sick you assume a doctor will help but you can’t assume that a divorce in court will help you.
AGB: Why should divorcing parents, or anyone else, see Erasing Family? What are the takeaways that you hope viewers will get?
GG: I hope that viewers will recognize that they need to stop badmouthing the other parent. Even married parents should realize the harm this can do. Be aware that anything you say against the other parent will be used by your children as an excuse to not see that parent.
Also, clean up social media. Many parents don’t know that their kids follow them on social media. If parents are posting on social media, post messages of love for their children, happy memories, etc. Parents could post about the fun things they did when they see their kids. Keep it light and fun. One child said, “It was so stressful to see mom so it was better just not to.”
AGB: You have said that your “call to action” is to encourage young people to support their friends who want to form relationships with a “lost” parent. Many young adults who have seen the film were reunited with the alienated parent.
GG: I think young adults who identify as alienated from a parent are more open to making contact with their alienated parent after watching the film. Ideally, those kids will build a relationship with both parents. A kid who switches loyalty is not a healed kid. I also hope that the alienated parent doesn’t give up because if they do the child feels abandoned. Those parents can find ways to be involved in their kids’ lives, by showing up when parents are needed at school, for example. Parents need to show up positively, not defensively, even if they aren’t able to build a relationship with their child.
AGB: What was the most surprising thing you learned through the hundreds of interviews you have done with families?
GG: I discovered that there is a huge financial incentive to get sole custody or adopt, this fuels the court battles. I hadn’t known how little most judges have been trained in family systems. I found out that there is no such thing as an adoption certificate. When a person adopts a child, a new birth certificate is issued that says that the adopting parents are the birth parents. This is true even if adopting an adult, or if a stepparent adopts a step-child. I discovered how easy it is for a stepparent to adopt a child, especially if the other (biological) parent doesn’t show up in court, which is considered consent.
AGB: What are your hopes and recommendations for divorcing families?
GG: There are many ways to avoid the traps of alienation. First, parents should watch the film to see the pitfalls. They should mediate their divorce or go with a Collaborative Divorce. Keep the divorce discussions between the adults, don’t talk about the money, betrayals, affairs, etc. Alienated parents should model good behavior for the kids.
AGB: Of course, it is common for kids to align with a parent, especially the one that seems most fragile. If parents support their children having a relationship with both parents, then the kids don’t have to decide with which parent to align.
What kind of support or help do you recommend for parents who are separated from their children through alienation?
GG: I’d recommend that they get support from a therapist familiar with these issues, like Joshua Coleman or Bill Eddy. Both have very helpful books and resources on their websites. There are many online support groups but they should choose one that isn’t a “misery-fest.”
AGB: It sounds like the very best thing that parents can do to prevent the damage of a difficult divorce is to pick a good spouse.
GG: If you are attracted to mates that are traumatized, try to understand why you are attracted to them. Don’t waste time feeling like a victim. Live your best life and attract the kids back, don’t drag them back with negativity. And don’t give up your power.
Learn more about Ginger Gentile’s project and her "Kids' Bill of Rights" here. You can view the full documentary here.
© Ann Buscho, Ph. D. 2021
