Why and How You Live in Emotions That Hurt You

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This post is Part 1 of a series.

Many of us walk through life outside of our conscious awareness and live in our unconscious or subconscious. Because of how our brain is wired, we’re perpetually in survival and protective mode and avoid “danger” and seek the “comfortable” and familiar.

We instantaneously react to a thought or body sensation that we may associate with an experience from our past, when something or someone is rubbing up against our core values, or by moving through the world with a patterned habitual emotional default. This causes us to unconsciously repeat the same emotional loops and instinctual behaviors day after day.

For some, that emotional default because of emotional conditioning may be fear and anxiety. For others, it could be shame, resentment, frustration, hopelessness, or self-doubt. These feelings become familiar, automatic, even addictive. They become our emotional resting place. Albeit distressing, exhausting, and counterproductive, the familiar, can evoke relief, excitement, and a sense of being in control, all which increase the propensity to return to it continuously.

Emotional Habituation: What Is It?

Habituation is a psychological phenomenon in which we become desensitized to a repeated stimulus. It’s how you stop noticing the hum of the fridge or the ticking of a clock. But it doesn’t just apply to external stimuli; it applies to emotional states, too.

We habituate to feeling fearful, angry, or sad; to tension in our chest, head, or shoulders; to our stomach’s queasiness; or to the inner voice that whispers, “You’re not doing enough” or “You’re not good enough.” Over time, those states feel typical and normal. Not necessarily good or pleasant, but familiar. Familiarity breeds loyalty and repetition.

According to Deb Dana (2021), an esteemed theorist and practitioner in polyvagal theory and author of Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory, “The nervous system doesn’t care if a habit is helpful or harmful—it just cares that it’s familiar.”

If your nervous system has been conditioned by chronic stress, trauma, or emotional neglect, your default emotional state might be unease, even in seamlessly safe environments. You might reject calm because it feels foreign. You might push away joy because it feels unsafe and threatening. You may fear that the rug will be pulled from underneath you at any time or be concerned that you’ll get too comfortable, hopeful, or attached, and will be disappointed yet again. So, your mind and body reject it. That’s emotional habituation. And it runs silently and steadily in the background of your life.

The Science Behind It

Our brains are efficient and systematic. The amygdala, the feeling center of our brain, becomes hypervigilant. The prefrontal cortex, a brain region whose crucial role is executive functioning, emotional regulation, and social behavior, and is known as our rational decision-maker, gets hijacked. Cortisol, a steroid hormone produced by our adrenal glands, known as our body’s “stress hormone” and built-in alarm system, becomes the baseline. Over time, we don't just feel our emotions; they consume us, and we may unconsciously and automatically act on behalf of them, irrespective of whether it’s based on rational and mindful decision making.

Hebb (1949) profoundly states, “Neurons that fire together wire together.” The more we experience a feeling, the more myelinated and accessible the neural pathway becomes. According to Dispenza (2013), “We become addicted to the emotions of our past.” The brain memorizes suffering, so the body starts craving those chemicals, even if they’re unpleasant, because they’re familiar and predictable.

In How to Do the Work, LePera (2021) explains, “Our stories and emotions are biologically embedded. Change begins when we stop reacting and start rewiring.” The good news is that, because of the neuroplasticity of the brain, we can neurocognitively restructure our brains. We can positively and productively consolidate, integrate, and process memories and information. We can proactively make changes, progress, and learn to act in ways that are in our best interest and serve us better.

Your Inner Child and Habituated Emotion

Although not surprising, much of our emotional habituation is rooted in childhood. If you grew up in a home where affection was scarce or anger was frequent, your nervous system learned that safety meant staying small, quiet, or invisible.

A client once told me, “I realized I wasn’t actually an anxious person. I was just always trying to avoid being yelled at by my father, even 25 years later.” His body was living in a time capsule. It was his survival instinct kicking in reliably. His anxiety had become his default. It leaked into all areas of his life, especially impacting his intimate relationships.

When we revisit those younger parts of ourselves and begin to meet their unmet needs, we start to create new emotional associations, ones grounded in safety, not survival.

Emotional Conditioning vs Emotional Truth

A habituated feeling isn’t always a truthful one. You might feel guilt for resting, not because rest is wrong, but because you were conditioned to associate stillness with laziness. You might feel unlovable, not because you are, but because your emotional blueprint was formed in an environment where your needs weren’t attuned to and adequately met.

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By becoming curious about your emotional habits, identifying which you’ve habituated, and proactively practicing realigning, you can change those fragmented neural pathways. In The Wisdom of Your Body, McBride (2021) declares, “We don't choose our default emotional states—but we can choose to stop living by them.” Jung (1999) expands, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” You don’t have to accept that fate, now or ever.

The Cost of Staying in the Familiar

The longer we habituate to negative emotional states, the more our bodies and minds suffer. Chronic stress contributes to inflammation, heart disease, and weakened immunity. Negative self-talk strengthens the inner critic and diminishes self-confidence, self-compassion, and self-efficacy. Emotional rigidity limits openness, creativity, and intimacy.

And perhaps most heartbreakingly, we start to believe that our current emotional state defines who we are and how our life is destined. This can negatively lead to a life of stagnation, stuckness, and dissatisfaction.

The feelings you put time and energy into, grow stronger and stronger over time. You get better at being angry, sad, shameful or fearful. You are not your emotional habits. You are not bound to repeat the feelings that you settled into and habituated and previously served and protected you. Within you lies the power to rewire and to choose differently. You can return to yourself, not as you were conditioned to be, but as you were always meant to be, with worthiness and wholeness.

In Part 2 of this post, you’ll learn specific skills and tools to cease this habit and live an even more meaningful and satisfying life.

To increase your conscious awareness, listen to a Cultivating Inner Confidence Guided Meditation led by me.