Grief
The Unique Pain of Grieving for a Pet
Understanding the particular pain of losing a furry, fluffy, or scaly companion.
Posted October 14, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Human-animal bonds can be as significant as human relationships, leading to grief upon loss.
- Pet euthanasia is a unique grief experience, complicated by guilt, though many feel it is a more humane end.
- Pet loss is often a disenfranchised grief, meaning society doesn't fully acknowledge the depth of the loss.
- Accepting pet loss as legitimate grief can help alleviate suffering.
Novelist Anatole France once wrote that “until one has loved an animal, a part of one’s soul remains un-awakened.” If you’ve ever loved an animal companion, then you’ll know that our connections with animals can be emotionally equivalent to those we share with other human beings—and scientific research backs this up.
Some of the key ingredients of human attachment are experiencing the other as a dependable source of comfort, seeking them out when we are distressed, feeling deep enjoyment and pleasure in their presence, and missing them when apart. Researchers have identified all of these as features of our relationships with pets, too.
Additionally, some groups of people are particularly likely to develop intimate bonds with companion animals. These include isolated older people, people who have lost faith in humans, and people who rely on assistance animals.
Researchers have also found that our connections with our fluffy, scaled, and feathered friends come at a price in the sense that we deeply grieve the loss of our pets when it’s time to say goodbye. And some aspects of pet grief are unique.
Euthanasia
For many of us, pet death may be the only experience we have of grief connected to euthanasia. Guilt or doubt over a decision to euthanize a cherished companion animal can complicate grief. For example, research has found that there can be disagreements within families about whether it is (or was) right to put a pet to sleep, which can be particularly challenging.
On the other hand, euthanasia also gives people a chance to prepare for a beloved animal companion’s passing. There is a chance to say goodbye and plan final moments to express love and respect, such as a favorite meal, a night in together, or one last meaningful goodbye.
There are stark differences in people’s responses to pet euthanasia. Israeli research found that in the aftermath of euthanized pet death, 83 percent of people felt certain they had made the right decision. They believed they had granted their animal companion a more honorable death that minimized suffering.
However, a Canadian study also found that 16 percent of participants whose pets were euthanized “felt like murderers.” And American research showed how nuanced the decision can be as 41 percent of participants in a study felt guilty, and 4 percent even experienced suicidal feelings after they had consented to their animal companion being euthanized. Cultural beliefs, the nature and intensity of the relationship, attachment styles, and personality all influence people’s experience of pet euthanasia.
Disenfranchised grief
Pet loss is still less acceptable socially. This is called disenfranchised grief, which refers to losses that society marginalizes or doesn’t fully appreciate. This can make it harder to mourn, at least in public.
Psychologists Robert Neiymeyer and John Jordan have argued that disenfranchised grief is a result of what they call empathy failure. People can even deny their own pet grief because a part of them feels it is shameful and they “shouldn’t” be so affected. This isn’t just about keeping a stiff upper lip in the office or at the pub. People may feel pet grief is even unacceptable to close members of their family or to family and friends more generally.
On a wider level, there may be a mismatch between the depth of pet grief that people experience and the social expectations around animal companion deaths. For example, some people may react with contempt if someone misses work or takes leave to mourn their pet.
Research suggests that when people are in anguish over the loss of a pet, disenfranchised grief makes it more difficult for them to find solace, post-traumatic growth, and healing. Disenfranchised grief seems to restrain emotional expression in a way that makes it harder to process and can delay and inhibit natural grieving.
Our relationships with our animal companions can be as meaningful—if not more meaningful—as those we share with each other. And losing our pets is no less painful. Our grief reflects that. There are dimensions of pet grief we need to recognize as unique, and if we can accept pet death as a legitimate type of bereavement, maybe we can lessen people’s suffering.
NB: This article also appears in The Conversation under a Creative Commons License.
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