Great Sexpectations: The Science of Good Sex

When it comes to what goes into consistent, sustained, and pleasurable sex, most of us have no clue.

If you believe what you see in the movies, you’ll think everyone but you is having spontaneous orgasms standing up in the shower. If you believe every headline you read in the news, you’ll think we’ve forgotten or forsaken sex all together. If you believe your pastor or tradwife influencer, you’ll think that if you're not having sex to make babies, you're morally depraved.

Like I said—perennially, tragically clueless.

As a philosopher, I spend a lot of time teaching people how spirituality is the pathway to alleviating sexual shame. As a scientist, I recognize that data helps. And when it comes to what makes good sex, science tells us much that we need to know.

Make it Play

A 2014 study found that sexual satisfaction has two main components: the individual’s positive feelings such as pleasure, arousal and openness, and the emotions that surface in relation to the other person—feelings like safety, compatibility and mutual attraction all create positive experiences.

But here's an interesting finding from that study: Couples interviewed revealed that orgasms were really not that important in the context of sexual satisfaction. Rather, intimacy and playfulness were big sub-factors. Intimacy includes closeness and connection, while playfulness indicates a level of comfort and vulnerability. Think about the last time you felt safe enough to play during sex.

Long-Term Lust

We tend to glamorize the early spark of a relationship and give into the inevitability of its demise. But a 2017 study dispelled this myth, revealing that it is possible to have fulfilling sex in a long-term relationship. In this study, couples that kept their mojo going past the honeymoon phase did more of the following:

• Had more frequent sex (practice makes perfect)
• Gave and received more oral sex (pucker up)
• Had more consistent orgasms (there they are!)
• Worked to set the mood (hello foreplay!)
• Incorporated a variety of sexual acts (’tis the spice of life)
• Engaged in frequent sexual communication—including praise, feedback and teasing

In short, you have to use your mouth.

Manage Your "Sex"pectations

In 2007, researchers put forth a theory of "Good Enough Sex" (GES) to help couples contextualize sex in a positive and realistic way into their lives. While sex is important for cementing a bond, reducing stress and for overall emotional and physical well-bring, the GES model recognizes that everyday life can get in the way of a healthy sex life. It urges couples to take the pressure off perfection and to acknowledge that variations in sexual performance over time are completely natural. Sometimes sex is mind-blowing, and sometimes it’s just “meh” and that’s totally normal.

The GES model may seem to be pointing out the obvious—but in the absence of open and honest conversations around sexuality, people often internalize a lull in the quality or quality of sex as a personal failing. It's important to acknowledge that a fulfilling sex life is the result of a number of factors—mental, physical, and spiritual.

And as I always point out, sex doesn’t just happen between the sheets. It happens all day long, in and outside the bedroom. Technology can help you communicate better with your partner, can help you understand your own needs and boundaries, and can create a more adventurous and creative sexual environment. (Read my piece on how AI can make you a better lover.)

Now that you know the theory, go enjoy the practice.