3 Ways to Step Off the Hatred Treadmill

Source: Photo by Edwin Barkdoll

Humans have hated since the dawn of, well, humans, but these days it seems like we’ve elevated hate to a competitive sport. Whose hateful words, memes, and shouts gain the most views, shares, and comments? Whose amass the biggest following and build the strongest coalitions? Whose lead to election wins?

But let’s remember that sports rarely result in assassinations, murders, and war; hate too often does. We are regularly witnessing hate lead to actual violence. In turn, violence is leading to ever more hate.

So many of us are whipped into frenzies of rage these days, no matter where we land on the political spectrum. The more hate is generated by our perceived opponents, the more we express our hate. The more we express our hate, the more our perceived opponents become enraged in turn. It’s a feedback loop that puts too many of us on the hatred treadmill.

Even a call to reduce hate may fan the flames of anger, and, sadly, I suspect that the paragraphs above may elicit fury in some, at least in the context of the divided U.S.

“Perceived opponents?!?! These are evil people, racists, misogynists, fascists!”

“Perceived opponents?!?! These are evil people, woke idiots, cancel-culture elites who hate our country!”

Yes, there are people whose ideas and actions are causing grave harm—to people, to ecosystems, to nonhuman animals, and to our societies. To the degree that we are able, we each have a responsibility to do our part to make a positive difference. But surely history has shown us that living and acting with hatred does not solve the problem; it feeds it.

So how can we get off the hatred treadmill?

We first have to decide if we’re willing to resist the urge to hate and stop using it as a binding agent among our in-groups. If we are, here are three approaches we might take.

Cultivate curiosity

There are so many questions we can ask ourselves that can break the cycle of hate by increasing our curiosity and our subsequent efforts to find answers. Here are some:

• Are the sources I rely upon for information truly reliable (admittedly, no easy task to determine these days)?
• Are quotes, memes, posts, photos, and reels accurately sharing the complexity, context, and nuance necessary to evaluate ideas or judge people in their entirety?
• Is it really possible that all the people who think differently than I do are stupid or brainwashed?
• Who’s benefiting from the algorithms that make the most hateful speech on the internet rise to the top?
• What in human nature, and in me specifically, can make hate so compelling and love so hard to extend beyond my in-group?
• Do I have any interest in learning and understanding the perspectives of others who disagree with me?
• What other emotions lie beneath hatred and give rise to it?
• What would it look like to not respond to hate with hate?
• Who would I be without hatred?

Talk to people in real life, rather than in comments on social media

• Ask yourself who in your life has different opinions about politics and cultural issues who would be willing to talk openly about their perspectives and listen to yours. Seek them out and head into the conversation with curiosity and a true desire to listen, learn, and understand.
• Consider beginning your conversations by sharing your deepest values and the qualities you think are humanity’s best. Are there overlaps?
• What issues and problems in your community, nation, and world most concern each of you? Are there commonalities?
• What ideas do you have to help foster your shared values and solve problems you are both concerned about? Are there points of agreement?
• Notice what happens when you connect with people who have different perspectives and opinions, whether by phone, videocall, or a shared meal.

Choose a practice to diminish hate

Hatred often arises hot and fast, so finding ways to turn down the heat and slow our reactivity can mean the difference between spewing hate and letting hatred simmer down, cool off, and eventually evaporate. Here are some practices that may help:

• Recite (out loud or in your mind) a hate-diminishing, love-promoting prayer, meditation, poem, or some other selected writing. I’ve modified the Prayer of St. Francis and often recite these words in my head:

Make me an instrument of peace

Where there is hatred, let me sow love

Where there is injury, pardon

Where there is darkness, light.

Let me not so much seek to be consoled as to console

To be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love.

• It’s important to witness and understand the hatefulness surrounding us so that we can do something about it, but beyond paying just enough attention so that you’re not tuned out, make sure to find solutions-focused, evidence-based optimists and changemakers and spend time with them online and in person. A positive, solutionary community is an antidote to either/or thinking and the hatred such thinking often foments.
• Tap into what grounds you and helps you cultivate equanimity. Find what calms your nervous system and then make that a daily practice, even if just for a couple of minutes.

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Hatred is a feeling, but it’s also often a choice. When I am at my angriest and feeling a cauldron of rage bubbling up and transforming into hatred, I try to switch the channel and think of someone I love. I let that love suffuse my whole being, and then I bring to mind the person or people I’m feeling anger or hatred towards. I then allow the love in my heart to extend to them. It’s remarkable how the hatred diminishes, and how often compassion, curiosity, and a sense of shared humanity replace it. This effort doesn’t excuse what they have done that so angered me and caused me to hate. It doesn’t do anything for them at all. But it does a world of good for me and for all with whom I interact in the aftermath. It keeps me in check and on task in the best possible way. It prevents me from indulging my worst self in favor of cultivating my best. It gets me off the hatred treadmill.