How to Be a Better Husband

Build your marriage on a solid foundation of fidelity.

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Thirty-five years ago, before my wife and I married, a friend excitedly shared a newlywed blessing: "May your passion turn to love and your love turn to fidelity." “What a beautiful sentiment!” she gushed. But something felt off to me. Passion first, love second, and then fidelity? It’s the conventional narrative that fades over time. Proof? The two leading causes of divorce worldwide are infidelity and lack of commitment. What if we flipped the script? I thought: Fidelity first, which grows love that blossoms into lasting passion. In my 47 years of clinical work and personal recovery, I’ve seen this shift doesn’t come naturally to men. But it’s the key to a deeper, enduring connection—a marriage that stands the test of time, not one that fades as the initial physical excitement inevitably burns out. My own marriage is living proof that it works.

Why Marriages Fail

Many marriages, especially in the early years, lean heavily on physical attraction and sexual passion to drive the relationship. When passion eventually wanes—due to the demands of family life, work stress, and aging—couples who haven’t established a foundation of trust and loyalty can find themselves growing distant. They may start questioning their commitment, becoming emotionally detached, cheating, and even contemplating divorce.

Fidelity: More Than Monogamy

Fidelity is commonly reduced to physical monogamy, but it’s so much more. At its core, fidelity is centered on truth, trust, loyalty, and faith—values that help you stay true to yourself, your purpose, and your partner.

• Truth: Fidelity means being honest with your partner, not just about big issues, but small moments that build your life together. It also means being true to yourself—acknowledging your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Being truthful, both in words and actions—a challenge for many men—lays the foundation of trust that allows love to grow.
• Loyalty and trust: Loyalty is about supporting each other—showing up consistently, even when life gets tough. It’s about making your partner feel valued, especially when the initial sparks of physical attraction fade. You both trust one another to be true to your commitment.
• Faith: Fidelity requires faith—not only in your partner but also in the relationship itself. It’s about believing that, together, you can weather any storm, support each other's growth, and deepen your love over time.

Fidelity keeps you grounded in your purpose and your partner’s well-being. It provides a solid foundation for building a lasting relationship, one that thrives on trust and mutual support.

Love: Giving and Caring

True love is built on giving, not receiving. It’s about contributing to your partner’s happiness and growth by offering your time, attention, and presence without expecting anything in return. This approach fosters a deeper, authentic connection.

• Making your partner feel valued: Love thrives when your wife feels valued through your active listening, supporting her dreams, and showing appreciation. Simple gestures—like kind words or a helping hand—demonstrate your commitment and care.

• Prioritizing your partner’s needs: Many men give in order to get, but love flourishes when you care for your partner’s needs before your own. By focusing on giving, you create a shared experience that strengthens the emotional bond, deepens intimacy, and builds trust in the relationship.

• Creating a cycle of care: When you give selflessly in your marriage, it encourages your partner to reciprocate. This mutual exchange fosters a sense of abundance, where both partners nurture each other’s well-being, further enriching the relationship.

Passion: Tend the Fire

Passion in marriage is often viewed as a fleeting spark, but, in reality, it’s a fire that must be tended, nurtured, and stoked over time. It’s not just about physical desire—it’s about cultivating a deeper connection, emotional intimacy, and ongoing curiosity that keeps the relationship dynamic.

• Emotional intimacy: Passion is sustained through emotional closeness and vulnerability. It’s about sharing your dreams and fears and working together to weather all the storms of life, which strengthens the bond and keeps the connection alive, long after the initial sparks have faded.

• Curiosity and growth: Passion grows when you remain curious about your partner, even after years together. Encourage each other’s personal growth and celebrate evolving dreams, ensuring the relationship remains exciting and fresh.

• Physical and nonphysical affection: Passion thrives through both physical touch and small, nonphysical gestures. Holding hands, hugging, and kind words all reinforce your desire for each other, helping keep intimacy alive even when life gets busy.

Actionable Steps a Husband Can Take to Build a Lasting, Growing Relationship

1. Commit to fidelity: Dedicate yourself to your marriage with unwavering truth, loyalty, and trust. And be true to yourself—embrace your own growth, passions, and authenticity. Standing in your own truth, and supporting your wife in hers, you can bring your best self to the relationship, deepening your connection.
2. Cultivate love: Love thrives when you give of yourself without expectation. Share your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities with your wife, offering your full attention and presence. Create a space where she feels encouraged to open up, strengthening your bond.
3. Ignite passion: Encourage your wife’s personal growth, staying curious about her evolving dreams. Keep passion alive through affection, appreciation, and small gestures of love. Passion grows when you nurture both emotional and physical intimacy, ensuring your marriage remains dynamic.

Why Is This Necessary Right Now?

Many marriages are in crisis, in part due to the resurgence of outdated, conservative, patriarchal values that restrict emotional connection and personal growth. These traditional gender roles—where men are expected to be the dominant providers and women the passive caretakers—no longer serve modern relationships. The pressures of modern life and outdated gender expectations often make couples lose sight of what truly matters: mutual respect, emotional intimacy, and partnership.

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In a time when many relationships are transactional or short-lived, rejecting these limiting beliefs and building a marriage on a foundation of truth, trust, loyalty, and faith is essential. These values offer a stabilizing force, allowing your relationship to endure and grow from any challenge. Prioritizing a foundation of fidelity—followed by love and passion—is a radical shift away from conventional thinking, but it’s exactly what is needed to create a lasting, thriving relationship.

Now is the time to flip the script. Commit to a marriage where fidelity, loyalty, and emotional connection come first, and watch love and passion naturally grow from there. This approach not only rejects obsolete norms but also embraces a relationship built on real partnership and growth, paving the way for a deeper, more fulfilling, long-lasting marriage.