Do More of That: The Trick for Better Relationships

When we think about feedback, most of us jump to what needs fixing—what’s wrong, what should stop. But here’s a powerful shift: Instead of focusing on flaws, amplify what’s already good. Why? Because what we notice and encourage tends to grow.

When we ask someone to “do more of that,” we’re inviting them to show up as their best self. We’re not requesting perfection, but appreciating qualities like patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, and preparation.

The Power of Positive Reinforcement

Research in positive psychology shows that building on strengths creates more lasting improvement than zeroing in on weaknesses (Seligman and Csikszentmihalyi, 2000). Think of it like gardening: Watering flowers makes them bloom; pulling weeds alone doesn’t create an abundant harvest.

Why does this work? Because positive feedback activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine and reinforcing the behavior, making it more likely to happen again (Skinner, 1953; Fredrickson, 2001). Criticism, on the other hand, often triggers a threat response. Stress hormones like cortisol spike, narrowing thinking, and reducing creativity (Evian Gordon’s “minimize danger, maximize reward” principle). In short, appreciation opens doors; criticism closes them.

The “Do More of That” Trick

Here’s the simple phrase that changes everything:

“I love it when you…”

This tiny sentence does three things:

1. Acknowledges effort
2. Clarifies what is helpful
3. Invites repetition without pressure

Small words, tiny practice, big impact. People repeat what gets noticed.

Why It Matters Everywhere

This is not just a workplace strategy but a life strategy. Whether you’re in the conference room or the family room, the formula is simple: Notice what’s good, name it, and invite more of it.

Easy Tips for Feedback to Your Boss

An easy approach to giving your boss feedback is to “coach upward.” As an employee, you can positively frame feedback to express what your boss can do differently to support you. Turn the feedback into encouragement. A phrase like “I love it when you…” signals appreciation while guiding behavior.

For example:

• “I love it when you check in before meetings.”
• “I appreciate it when you share updates early; it helps me plan better.”

This approach removes the hierarchical barrier that many of us feel when we want our boss to do something differently or more often. It opens a channel of honest dialogue and makes way for meaningful support.

From Critique to Appreciation

The same principle applies to personal relationships. One critical comment can derail an evening and trigger defensiveness, while positive reinforcement encourages openness and trust. Instead of saying, “Stop leaving dishes in the sink,” try:

“I love it when you rinse the dishes; it makes the kitchen feel so clean and inviting.”

With kids, the shift is just as powerful. Instead of “Don’t interrupt,” say:

“I love when you wait your turn to talk; it helps everyone feel heard.”

Or:

“I love it when you put your toys away, it keeps the room fun for everyone; keep doing that.”

These small changes build trust and cooperation and move you closer to a harmonious home. Positive feedback does not just improve behavior; it sparks motivation.

Why It Builds Trust

Trust grows when people feel recognized and respected. Positive reinforcement signals: I see you. I value what you bring. That sense of safety is the foundation for thriving relationships, whether professional, romantic, or parental. Appreciation reduces defensiveness, fosters openness, and creates stronger bonds everywhere.

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Your Challenge for This Month

Try it today. Tell one person:

“I love it when you…”

Notice what’s good. Name it. Watch it grow.

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