Setting Boundaries That Help Relationships Bloom

Setting boundaries is crucial, not just for our emotional well-being but also for fostering healthy relationships. Yet, many of us come to realize that while setting boundaries is important, it’s not always easy. Especially when those boundaries are mistaken by those we love as rude or unwarranted.

Boundaries can act like sunlight helping relations to bloom, or they can act like salt on the roots causing those same relationships to wilt. It all depends on how they’re set. And that’s where the phrase “Be the Sun Not the Salt” comes into play—which is a metaphor meant to remind us that we want to be a positive force to those around us and not a negative one.

Why Boundaries Are Essential for Healthy Relationships

Boundaries are not just an emotional tool; they’re essential for our overall health. Establishing boundaries isn’t about keeping people out, it’s about keeping yourself well. Think of it like maintaining your personal space. Just as our bodies need a comfortable amount of physical space to feel secure, our minds need similar protective measures.

According to a recent study on personal space, we have emotional boundaries that make us feel safe in addition to a physical distance that feels comfortable. When someone physically or emotionally invades our personal space too much, it can cause discomfort and make us want to retreat or, worse, become angry. What this study made clear is that the discomfort we feel in a situation is our body’s way of telling us that a boundary needs to be established rather than allowing that situation to be tolerated (Welsch et al. 2019).

Another recent study found that families with healthy boundaries, called "cohesion," are better able to handle stress and conflict. In these families, there’s a sense of closeness without smothering and a balance that respects each person’s autonomy. Boundaries, when set properly, consistently, and respectfully, can bring people closer rather than push them away (Coe et al. 2018).

How to Set Boundaries Without “Salting” the Relationship

Often, the reason we don’t set boundaries is very simple, “I don’t want to set a boundary because it’ll hurt [the person I care about's] feelings.” But through practice, we’ve learned that there are ways to set boundaries that are less likely to "salt" others' roots.

1. Make Your Words Count
Be clear and compassionate. Setting boundaries is about kindness and respect for yourself and others. A great tip is, instead of saying, “I can’t deal with you right now,” try something softer like, “I need some time to recharge so that I can be more present with you.” It’s a small shift, but it can make a dramatic difference in how the boundary is perceived.

2. Recognize the Discomfort as a Signal

If you start to feel uncomfortable in a conversation, it’s often a sign that a boundary is being crossed (Welsch et al. 2019). It could be as simple as taking a step back—literally or figuratively. For example, if a conversation is getting too heated, say something like, “I really value our relationship, and I don’t want this to turn into an argument. Let’s pick up this conversation another time.” It’s a gentle way to protect your emotional space without pushing the other person away.

3. Assume Positive Intent
One of the hardest reflexes to control is our tendency to assume the worst when someone reacts poorly to a boundary. The truth is, setting boundaries can be hard for both sides. But by assuming positive intent, believing that the other person isn’t trying to hurt you but is perhaps feeling hurt themselves, it becomes easier to navigate the conversation. Oftentimes, newly married couples need to establish healthy boundaries with in-laws. “No mom, you may not just walk into the house without letting us know you’re coming over. We love you being with the grandkids, just let us know when you’re planning on visiting.”

Handling Pushback: What to Do When Your Boundaries Are Perceived as “Salt”

Boundaries, when not established thoughtfully, can be seen as rejection by others. This is especially common when attempting to set boundaries with parents. In fact, this reaction is common in families where enmeshment, a term meaning the over-involvement in each other’s lives, is the norm.

Boundaries Essential Reads

4 Boundaries You Need to Set During a Breakup

How to Keep Your Cool Around Pushy People

We cannot control how people receive boundaries, only how we set them. Sometimes we do the best we can and the outcome may not be great for both sides. Have grace, practice patience, and continue to communicate from a place of care and compassion.

So, what can we do? Here’s a helpful tip: speak fluent gratitude. Let them know that you value their concern but also need to protect your space. For example, “I appreciate how much you care about me, but I need to take some time for myself so I can be my best self when we’re together.” This way, you’re acknowledging their feelings while still staying true to your needs.

Practical Tips for Boundaries That Help Relationships Bloom

Setting boundaries is a lot of trial and error. It takes a lot of practice and patience but here are some techniques that have helped me:

• Start Small and Build Confidence
  If you’re new to setting boundaries, begin with something low-stakes. Like saying “no” to invitations when you need time for yourself. “This isn’t a good time right now, I hope you understand.”
• Stick With It
  Boundaries are most effective when they are consistently applied to situations. Imagine your boundaries as the door to your home. If someone tries to enter without knocking, and you allow them in sometimes but not others, they’ll become confused about when it’s okay to enter. Consistency is key. “We love when you come over, all we ask is that you let us know.”
• Keep Your Cool and Take the High Road
  When someone continually tries to push your boundaries, it’s better to take the high road. “Keep your cool” is a go-to mantra. Say to yourself, “They don’t’ really understand our boundaries in this home.” Just like allowing a muddy dog on the couch is allowed in some homes and not in others.

Conclusion

What years of research have taught us is that boundaries are a gift—not just to ourselves, but to the people we care about. By setting clear, compassionate limits, we can create relationships that truly bloom. Remember, today is a good day to do good, not just for others but for yourself too. So, “do all the good you can” by setting boundaries that nurture both your well-being and the well-being of those around you.