Why Married Couples Should Never Stop Dating

Source: Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels

I have had extraordinary success creating roadmaps for couples to invigorate or reinvigorate their relationships and one of the key ingredients has been dating.

When couples come into my office, effective immediately they must commit to organizing at least two date nights per month.

Here’s what I suggest: on the first Saturday of the month at 5pm, one partner sends a text specifying clothing to be worn for the date: “Yoga, horseback riding, comedy show, opera, jazz concert, restaurant, massage, beach walk, hot springs, hiking, dancing, picnic clothes, etc.” The recipient leaves their wallet at home and, if remotely possible, turns off their phone. From 6pm to 9pm (or later), the planner is 100% responsible for sharing something they have discovered and are passionate about exploring together. On the third Saturday of the month, the roles reverse: the other partner sends a 5pm clothing text and the first partner steps into the receiving role. Rinse, repeat.

Dating today is failing for many reasons:

1. Narcissism: people show up for dates with a scorecard thinking “How will I benefit from spending my precious time in this way with this person?” This is pure narcissism. If you can’t show up for a date with curiosity and excitement then you should respect the other person sufficiently to not go out with them. Seriously.
2. Laziness: people are overworked and only want to “relax” during any non-work time.
3. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of being judged: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” If you’re unwilling to try to try novel adventures, then your life will be boring and there will only be one person to blame for it.
4. Lack of funds: this is a horrible excuse. Borrow a board game from your local library; download a recipe for a new dish and get the ingredients from Trader Joe’s; find a beautiful sunset bike ride; go to a free lecture, book signing, or gallery opening. There are plenty of free or low-cost events to share as a couple in your neighborhood.
5. Lack of imagination: this is one place where ChatGPT or another LLM can help. Enter a few things about your partner’s likes and tastes and then ask it to make suggestions in your area for a unique, educational, uplifting, fun, bonding experiences that will spark conversations.

A real date is a small work of art. And the most successful dates create a “marginally unexpected” experience. Skydiving is probably too far beyond the expected margins for most people who aren’t adrenaline junkies, but flower-arranging or painting classes are unlikely to ruffle any feathers.

Again, find something that is unique, educational, uplifting, fun, and bonding - something marginally unexpected. A date should introduce a fresh configuration of the things your partner already loves or is at least curious about. For example, if your partner loves sushi, instead of just going to a restaurant, find a sushi‑making class where the two of you experiment, improvise, laugh, and bond over your bizarrely misshapen rolls. If your partner loves sunset hiking, then organize a guided sunset horseback ride through a the local mountains. If your partner loves reading, then organize a date listening to one of their favorite authors speak at a book signing (again check out your local library).

Thoughtfulness and effort, for me, are the key signals of love. Wanting to facilitate your partner’s learning, growth, and expansion is the type of experience that will inspire them to do the same for you. “Netflix and chill” while wearing sweatpants and ordering DoorDash or amorphous “hanging out” signals exactly how much (or little) thoughtfulness and effort you are willing to put into creating a meaningful relationship.

Complacency and monotony kill relationships. Being proactive and curious invigorates or reinvigorates relationships and helps couples thrive as well as feel loved and appreciated.