Disorganized Attachment: The Case for Compassion

In the past few years, attachment theory has become central to most conversations about relationships, and for good reason: attachment theory can help make sense of relationships. It answers the question, “What exactly needs to happen in a relationship for two people to feel tightly bonded, and stay that way, over the course of time?” It’s potentially the most important question about relationships because when partners are closely bonded, everything else tends to fall into place.

Attachment theory is based on the idea that humans have attachment needs in their closest romantic relationships—these needs include feeling valued, validated, emotionally and physically responded to, appreciated, respected, and confident that emotional care will be available when they need it. In some relationships, partners have their attachment needs met most of the time, which means they feel secure with each other most of the time. They maintain a close emotional bond that positively impacts their ability to repair from ruptures, and they experience low levels of relationship anxiety. In this case, we consider the couple to be securely attached.

Other couples might feel that their attachment needs are unmet most of the time. In this case, they have a hard time successfully repairing ruptures and are considered to be insecurely attached. In most insecurely attached relationships (but not all), one partner manages the relationship distress with an anxious attachment style, while the other manages with an avoidant attachment style. This is an emotional balancing act: one partner is trying to close the distance, maintain closeness, and resolve problems; the other is trying to keep things from devolving into escalated conflict or a level of closeness that they fear will stifle their sense of self. Both, in their own (largely subconscious) ways, are being stewards of the relationship.

The three most common styles of attachment are secure, anxious, and avoidant. Having a working understanding of these styles is enough to create sustainable change in the way most people navigate their relationships. But there is a fourth category, the dark horse of attachment theory: disorganized attachment. This style often gets overlooked or misunderstood, and it’s worth exploring further. Individuals with disorganized attachments usually feel more emotional distress than other attachment styles and go to greater lengths to keep their distress at bay.

Disorganized attached individuals already feel alone without support, and as long as this attachment style stays under the radar, that likely won’t change. Add to this the fact that those with a disorganized attachment are usually not aware of their attachment style, it makes sense that they might not understand why they struggle so much in relationships. Often, disorganized attachment hides in plain sight. It surfaces at a level lower than what might be noticed by the outside world, but behind closed doors, in the privacy of relationships and families, it causes intergenerational familial dysfunction.

Research shows that disorganized attachment is highly correlated with addiction, personality disorders, poor parenting, suicide, all levels of mental and physical illness, trauma, and more. [2] When these individuals and their families don’t understand their problems from a compassionate perspective, it creates even more relationship problems, which further reinforce the disorganized attachment, leaving suffering individuals with conflicting feelings of anger and guilt, and loved ones feeling desperate and helpless. Not only that, but the lack of understanding promotes toxic shame and blame (often directed from parents whose behaviors created their child’s disorganized attachment to begin with), and erects barriers to getting help. None of this is conducive to building inner security, which is the precursor to sustainable behavior change.

Understanding disorganized attachment with compassion is the first step to helping both those struggling with it and their loved ones. In this five-part series, I’ll address disorganized attachment first by shedding light on the term “disorganized.” Next, we’ll look at the childhood environments that create disorganized attachment. Then, we’ll move to how disorganized attachment style shows up in adulthood, particularly in romantic relationships, and then explore the common misconceptions surrounding disorganized attachment. Finally, we’ll explore resources for help.

Organized or Disorganized?

Not only can attachment styles be categorized as secure or insecure, they can also be categorized more broadly as organized or disorganized.[1] Secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment styles are all considered “organized” because individuals with these styles use fairly consistent strategies to manage their feelings, get their attachment needs met, keep conflict in check, and solve logistical problems, at least temporarily. While anxious and avoidant attachment styles are by no means ideal, they do have an advantage over disorganized attachment when it comes to the predictability of responses to relationship distress, manageability of behaviors, and basic communication skills. They can at least stay more grounded during conflict than those with a disorganized attachment. On the other hand, those with disorganized attachment often lack strategies to manage their feelings or get their attachment needs met (or meet those of their partners). Their coping behaviors are more unpredictable. Growing up in toxic emotional environments taught them to both crave and fear love, which puts them in a perpetual state of trying to meet two conflicting needs at once: the need to connect with others and the need to protect themselves from rejection, abandonment, and even harm.

While attachment issues affect all parts of relationships, it’s during relationship stress and conflict where disorganized attachment shows up most powerfully. Conflict feels very final for those with disorganized attachment. For example, when they feel unheard, invalidated, out of control in a situation, or when they experience an attachment rupture of any nature, their minds and bodies scream, “This is it! This is the abandonment I’ve been waiting for! Everything is falling apart!” and they feel overcome by feelings of fear and rage. They become dysregulated, which for the disorganized individual is best described as “fight and flight,” though it’s not in their conscious control. Nobody chooses to feel this way. Their reactions were hardwired into them during their emotionally toxic childhoods (I’ll discuss this more in the second part of this series).

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Once their nervous systems go into this state of hyper-arousal, those with disorganized attachment can exhibit a number of extreme and unpredictable behaviors. Not everyone with a disorganized attachment will react the same way, but examples include repeated texts or calls, yelling, making desperate pleas for reconnection, pushing away a partner’s attempts to calm them, running away, becoming aggressive, locking themselves in a room, sobbing, and sometimes even hurting themselves (or threatening to).

The common thread of disorganized attachment isn’t the behaviors themselves, it’s the unpredictability of the behaviors and the speed at which they escalate. What might be a minor argument for organized couples can quickly turn into chaos for those with disorganized attachment. For example, a partner with an anxious attachment, when faced with disappointment, might think, “My partner is so insensitive and I’m going to let them know,” and then proceed to make a protest. In the same situation, a partner with a disorganized attachment might think, “My partner is out to get me. This is proof of how much they really hate me!” and then proceed to….who knows? These behaviors can be scary and painful for the other partner, and sometimes, it can seem that their only viable solution is to leave the relationship. But what if that doesn’t need to be that way? What if there are other options?

Each one of us is responsible for our actions and their consequences. Losing sight of that isn’t good for anyone, including the disorganized individual. But that doesn’t mean we need to approach these wounded partners with shame and blame. Healthy guilt can be productive, but shame gets in the way of healing and fuels more problems. Fortunately, there is a more compassionate and effective way to go about healing disorganized individuals, which begins with a willingness to view them through the lens of attachment.

Attachment theory doesn’t just describe problems. It also asserts that wounds created in relationships can be healed in relationships. The key is helping these individuals find healthy, healing relationships, and to learn the self-regulation and relationship skills (both of which they missed out on learning during childhood) needed to maintain them. Follow this series to understand disorganized attachment on a deeper level, as well as to learn more about options for change.