Breakups Hurt for Both Partners Involved

We typically believe that the person who is “dumped” during a breakup suffers so much more than the person ending the relationship (the dumper). We think the person who is dumped does not want the relationship to be over, wants to try and fix it, keep it going, stay in contact—anything but end it.

By contrast, the person who initiates the breakup is often viewed as wanting out, no matter the pain caused, and somehow dismissing all the good that came from being together.

Sometimes researchers do in fact find that the initiator of a breakup fares better than the rejected partner.

Breakups typically hurt for all involved — it's rare to escape unscathed, but much can be learned in readiness for the next one.

Source: Peter Bucks / Unsplash

However, there’s growing evidence that this is not often the case. After analyzing hundreds of individuals’ reports about their adjustment after a breakup, we have found (as have others) that very often the two groups do not differ in their reports of sadness and loss. When we examine research documenting day-by-day impacts, more often we find no differences.

How can that be? One partner chose to give up on something that was shared between partners, and the other partner unwillingly lost something that they wanted to continue to share.

After we went through many studies on this topic, we tried to reconcile the inconsistencies and realized that there are a few confounding issues that can account for a seeming benefit to being the dumper (versus the dumpee).

Here are a few points to consider:

1. Very often a person ends a relationship when they feel that they cannot tolerate a situation any longer (see final straw). That final straw might have to do with no longer being able to tolerate what they perceive as a lack of consideration, or learning of a partner’s consistent lying about something. That may seem obvious, but they often report that they would want to continue if not for the deal breaking issue. They also indicate that they entered and participated in a relationship that they enjoyed, but ultimately some aspect became sadly intolerable. That is, many are reluctant dumpers.
2. Moving on might involve entering a new relationship. We found, as have others, that individuals tend to be happier if they rebound into a new relationship, even if they just recently went through a breakup. Rebounding because they deliberately found and entered a new relationship option or else were “poached” by someone else—it does not seem to matter in terms of putting someone in a slightly better emotional position.
3. Rebounding into a new relationship can provide some distraction from the emotional pain of a breakup and the rumination about “what went wrong.” If there's no new relationship, pain seems to be experienced full on at the level that the “dumped” partner experiences.
4. Many breakups are mutual. We may perceive ourselves as being the initiator, but some research shows that some people consciously or unconsciously sabotage the relationships to prompt their partner into formally ending things or to dodge blame or responsibility for ending what was a good thing.

Importantly, the research does not consistently support a difference in terms of who suffers more after a breakup.

Why should you care, though? It hurts regardless.

Well, sometimes it helps to understand the psychological processes involved.

Affective forecasting bias is likely at play here that we “assume” that initiators are going to do better (I certainly expected so in my past studies), even though they don’t necessarily suffer less at all. We are phenomenally bad at estimating accurately how we are going to feel in the future—we tend to veer to more extreme estimates of intensity than in fact we ultimately experience, and we have trouble understanding that others experience things similarly to us (what we call a false uniqueness effect).

Making the conscious decision to end a relationship does not mean that you do not miss a great deal about that intimate connection with another person. That is, of course, the point here. With time, most people post-breakup come to realize that “better out than in” when a relationship isn’t working for one or both. You’re left in a position to move on, learn from that relationship experience, and possibly connect with someone better suited for you.

Knowing why someone exits a relationship is better answered by knowing why people stay. Researchers are able to predict very accurately when people will stay in a relationship: When perceived benefits outweigh costs, when the alternative to the relationship (even having no relationship at all) seems worse than the one you have, and when investments in the relationship are high (time, money, shared resources, social networks, children).

Each of these factors predict commitment, which ultimately is a decision to remain, reflecting a willingness to make sacrifices and accommodate problems, and to maintain some magical thinking (that “our relationship” is better than others). (We can’t all have above average relationships statistically speaking, but it helps to think we do.)

All in all, the price of loving well or having a meaningful intimate connection with another person is that eventually – one way or the other – these relationships end in some way (through separation, breakup, or death). Knowing this harsh reality means that a considerable amount of courage is needed to persist, but the rewards are high.