Did You Used to Love Sex but Dread It Now?

Desire can thrive on a strict schedule of no surprises.

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A sad reality of sexual life is that no matter how hot a partner you have managed to attract and how crazy fun sex has been between you, we almost always habituate to a partner and their attractiveness over time. Even the most beautiful celebrity couples probably struggle with this. As a general rule in psychology, what starts out as feeling like an exceptional gift in life quickly becomes what we expect, our standard, the norm—and yes, it can become a bit boring.

The online gurus suggest keeping things spicy, fresh, creative, and open to novelty. But gosh, that seems like so much work, doesn't it? Maybe I am out of keeping with those gurus. My focus here is on what to do when you start worrying about some loss of desire, especially when your and your partner's desire is out of sync.

Certainly, some people experience a significantly reduced (or complete lack of) sexual interest or arousal. This state is more extreme than what is commonly experienced in that people with a sexual interest/arousal disorder often have no sexual thoughts or fantasies at all, experience little pleasure during sex and decreased physical sensations, and find this highly distressing (for themselves and/or their partners). For those people in particular, consulting with a clinical psychologist or health care provider is strongly recommended.

But for the rest of us? Understand that most intimate relationships move typically from a pretty heady, highly sexual phase that lasts 6 to 12 months, more or less, to a more companionate and comfortable phase of intimacy. Some people worry that they have “fallen out of love” when they make that shift from roller-coaster ride to gentle sailing. But this second phase often lasts long-term, and it is where you can start to develop some rituals and rhythms to your relationship, learn whether and how you can count on your partner, and develop a network of experiences together.

One of those experiences, though, is often a well-orchestrated script about “how sex happens” between the two of you. That comfort phase of intimacy often influences our sexual lives. We know what works. We know what each person likes. We have experimented, and abandoned, and returned to, and adapted. If you have sex with your partner twice a week, say, over five years, that number amounts to 520 occasions. Maybe I lack imagination, but there aren’t that many creative approaches to sex to cover that period to keep it super “fresh” and “new” and full of surprise. That’s just a reality. We begin to know what to expect. And that’s OK. Or, it can be.

The odds of being perfectly in sync in terms of desire each time one partner wants to have sex are low. We know, though, that for many people (often women), desire can follow the initiation of sex, once things get rolling, if you will. In addition, the “script” we develop with a partner can lead to expectations about when to get a bit riled up sexually, such as Saturday, when the kids are at your parents’ place, or Thursday movie night. Spontaneity is great every now and then, and especially when sex is the primary item on your relationship menu, but often not for everyone else.

Here are some helpful angles to keep in mind to challenge or dispel common myths about the magic pixie dust that you feel might be missing from your sex life:

• Desire does not need to be spontaneous and, in fact, might require some deliberate thinking, fantasizing, or patience to start it up.
• Sometimes, we do better to plan a sex “date” with a partner, so we can anticipate it rather than be caught off guard or unprepared mentally.
• You can have sex without feeling much of anything in the way of desire every now and then, although it’s not good to make a habit of this, as long as your motives are for closeness and pleasure rather than to avoid a fight or to stop feeling pressured.
• Try not to forget about, dismiss, or underestimate the power of some fiction, movie scenes, or porn to help kick-start desire.
• When you have sex, focus on “savouring” the experience, that is, wallow in the positive that’s involved rather than jumping up to go finish something or mentally checking off sex as a task.

My intention is to give you permission to not worry about sex so much. For most people, our lives are full to the brim, and many are experiencing high levels of stress and symptoms of anxiety and depression. Add to that load the pressure of a consistent sex life, and you might wonder whether something is seriously wrong with you, your partner, or both.

Sex may be one more thing on your list of a million.

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Little harm is done by forgoing sex for a while, even altogether—some partnerships involve no sex, quite happily. But it is not that common to have both, or all, partners wanting to give up sex. If someone is not happy about little or no sex, then you have the makings of strain and discord. We rarely see relationships where people are romantically satisfied, but not sexually satisfied. The two types of satisfaction are highly correlated.

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So, worry less about it, but also figure out how to make sex a priority: perhaps varied in type and perhaps not as frequent as you once had together. It still counts. And, yes, try something new if you want to. Why not?

Those familiar with my posts know that the three primary components of a fulsome intimate relationship are commitment, intimacy, and…passion. It's worth the effort; pleasure and closeness follow.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.