What "Ted Lasso" Can Teach Us About Relationships

To make things interesting, TV shows tend to include a lot of couple conflict that drags on through the episodes and often stays unresolved. It can be exhausting to watch.

But for many television viewers, the show "Ted Lasso" feels like a ray of light in dark times—and in no small part, this is due to the romance between characters Keely Jones and Roy Kent. Their interactions are refreshing, perhaps because they use relationship maintenance strategies that decades of research by John Gottman and his colleagues show are central to happy, healthy partnerships. (A quick warning for new "Ted Lasso" fans: There are some spoilers in the discussion below.)

1. They use soft start-ups.

The way we approach a conversation has important implications for the path the discussion takes. When one partner opens a conversation with criticism, sarcasm, or anger (what are known as harsh start-ups), the interaction is more likely to spiral into an argument. It leads to a predictable pattern in which one person is harsh and the other is defensive in response. Wash, rinse, repeat.

However, when a partner raises a concern without blaming their partner (soft-start-up), the conversation is likely to be more solution-oriented and less emotionally charged. Roy and Keely use this skill often on the show, and it helps them resolve conflicts within the episode and move on.

For example, in Season 2, Keely struggles with setting boundaries around the time she spends with Roy. In one scene, he interrupts her while she’s working by kissing her arms and neck. She grabs his hands from around her body, smiles up at him, and tells him what she needs in a playful voice.

Keely: Seriously, I’ve got a lot of work to do. So if you’re gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah?

It can be difficult to deliver this kind of soft start, especially when we’re frustrated. The good news is that we can also remedy a harsh start-up by staying calm and not escalating. Consider this exchange as Roy and Keely are communicating for the first time about their mutual attraction (shortened for easier reading).

Roy: Want to go to a movie later?

Keely [harsh start]: What the f**k is wrong with you? I asked you if you wanted to get coffee with me yesterday and you said you were busy.

Roy [calmly and without sarcasm]: I was busy.

Keely: You never texted me back last night.

Roy [calmly and without sarcasm]: Yes, I was busy.

Keely: What about the kiss? You took off like it was a sh*t kiss, and it was not a sh*t kiss. I was on fire.

Roy: I agree. I’m a professional footballer. I’ve had a million one-night stands. (…) Anyway, the point is, I’m trying to do this differently. I should have told you that. I apologize. And I am trying to be more honest.

Keely feels hurt and rejected at the beginning of the conversation, which she makes clear with her sharp questioning. Roy keeps things calm and then tells her how he really feels about the relationship. They relate to each other about the emptiness of one-night stands. They smile. And the outcome is a good one.

2. He accepts her influence.

Heterosexual couples tend to be happier when men accept influence from their partners. Even though this research finding was focused on men, couples function better in general when partners make decisions as a team and remain open to each others’ opinions about their lives.

Accepting influence does not mean doing everything our partners want us to do or allowing them to make decisions for us. It’s about collaboration, not control.

Roy is sometimes slow (and grumbly) to accept Keely’s influence, but he demonstrates a willingness to consider her suggestions as he makes important decisions. For example, Roy has a difficult time deciding what to do after retiring from Richmond football. Keely prompts him to try commentating for a sports network. He initially rejects this idea, but finally agrees to try it. He comes home from his first day behind the commentator's desk and they talk about how it went.

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Keely: How’d it go? Come on, babe. Say something. What, you’re just gonna pretend like you hated it? You were amazing. Sh*t, you really did hate it. (…) Roy, I’m really sorry. It’s just that… I mean not that it matters, but everyone over there, they loved you. And Twitter was going cuckoo for Coco Pops. But you don’t ever have to do it again if you don’t want to, so…

Roy: Felt good to be back around the game. (…) You helped me to help myself, again, so I wanted to thank you properly.

It is important to note that accepting influence requires trust that is built over time and with shared experiences. Roy and Keely are at the beginning of their relationship, so Roy’s initial hesitation may be a consequence of building up trust in her ideas. Roy wisely weighs the decision against his own values and preferences before saying yes to Keely’s influence.

3. They have mastered "repair attempts."

Every couple has conflict. It’s one of the few universal things about relationships. However, not every couple has angry fights or exchanges hurtful put-downs. An important part of healthy conflict management is noticing when things have gone off course and offering a path back to positive communication and connection. These “repair attempts” happen when one partner says or does something that lowers the intensity and initiates a repair to any damage done. Keely does this with amazing skill and consistency and (this is key) Roy responds positively.

For example, at the end of Season 1, Keely’s ex-boyfriend Jamie comes over to her house to talk and Roy answers the door. Keely comes downstairs to find them scowling at each other over her kitchen table. She sits down in front of two cups of coffee, one that Roy made and one that Jamie brought. She quietly opens the cup from Jamie, pours some of it into the mug from Roy, takes a sip, and says, “Alright Jamie, what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

This is the first repair attempt. She’s diffusing the tension in the room by not choosing one man’s coffee over the other. The discussion that follows includes some snarky banter between Jamie and Roy, but Keely keeps things light.

Keely: Jamie, not everyone in your life is out to get you.

Roy: I am.

[Keely furrows her eyebrows at Roy]

Roy: What? I thought you respected honesty.

Keely: I do. [Pecks him on the lips]

The quick kiss in response to his grumpiness is another repair attempt. She doesn’t get angry or defend Jamie. After Jamie leaves, Roy also makes an effort to keep the interaction with Keely positive.

Jamie: Look, Keely. When you’re done feeding mushy peas to this old fart, then you give me a call. [to Roy] Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Enjoy the view from the bench.

[Roy turns a stern look toward Keely]

Keely: What?

Roy: Well, now I want mushy peas.

[They both laugh.]

In a tricky situation that could have sparked an argument, Roy and Keely managed both calm and humor.

What Do TV Characters Have to Do With You?

Relationship skills are learned and they take practice. Watching another couple have constructive conversations and work as a team is one way we learn how to do it ourselves. Roy and Keely have the benefit of living in a fictional world where things are resolved in a 30-minute episode, but they are also modeling an interaction style that real people can and do have. Maybe you have real-world role models like your parents, peers, or mentors to show you what healthy relationships look like. If not, taking a note from fictional couples like Roy and Keely might help your relationships feel calmer, more constructive, and more connected.