What to Do When We Care Too Much About What Others Think

I watched Wilt Chamberlain play basketball when I was a kid. He stood over seven feet tall, and in one game, he scored 100 points. No one has done that before or since. One of the reasons Chamberlain scored so many points in that game was his amazing free throw shooting. He scored 28 points from the foul line—another record. How did he do that when ordinarily he was a horrible foul shooter?

He shot underhand. It was called a granny shot.

Instead of the typical form with one's hands up over the head, he held the ball between his legs and lobbed it up to the basket, like a girl might have done in theat era. It looked funny, but the percentage of shots going into the hoop was measurably higher. In fact, it was amazing.

But Wilt did not continue shooting free throws that way. Why? Because he said he felt like a “sissy.” He didn’t like the way it looked and hated the ridicule he got from fans. So he stopped, returning to being a poor free-throw shooter, making only 40 percent of those shots.

Wilt's contemporary, Rick Barry, popularized the underhand free throw shot, and, over his career, he shot nearly 90 percent from the foul line. Just like Wilt, he got snide remarks and jeering, but he didn’t care. Barry loved being the best. He cared more about results than image. One year, he only missed nine free throws in the entire season. By comparison, Lebron James misses about 150 free throws a year. But neither he nor anyone else in the league today is willing to shoot underhanded. When Barry asked other NBA players why, they said what Wilt said: They didn’t like how it looks.

When Appearances Play Too Large of a Role

Why are most of us more like Wilt Chamberlain than like Rick Barry? Why do we care so much about the opinions of others, even strangers hiding behind screens? It doesn’t make sense. But we live in a world of social media judgments. It breeds an obsession with outside opinions.

Rick Barry became a Hall of Fame player and is the only player ever to lead the NCAA, NBA, and ABA in scoring. He just didn’t care what others thought about his style. So, is his way the answer? Is it that simple? Not so fast.

We cannot default unilaterally to a position of “I just don’t care.” We’re all part of a larger community and others play a role in our lives. It’s impossible to cease caring about people's feelings, thoughts, and preferences. No one is a hermit, living alone on an island. At the same time, I believe we’ve swung too far in the other direction: We care too much about the opinions of others. Neither extreme is healthy, but how do we balance the two?

C.S. Lewis called people who care too much about displeasing others “men without chests.” The term describes a person who has no convictions or set of values to guide their decisions. They’re at the mercy of public opinion and fear the court of judgment too much. They blow over when the headwinds of culture are strong, like a empty paper bag sitting on an outside table. A tiny breeze will blow it over. If it’s full of sand (or anything else substantial), though, it can stand when winds blow.

So, how do we balance our mindsets?

First, check to make sure you’re not a person “without a chest.” Ask yourself: Do I avoid disagreements with others? Do I fear others' contrary opinions? If so, fill yourself with values that enable you to stand strong and not blow over when the headwinds of culture blow. Develop a set of timeless principles that will work like sand to keep you steady. To do this, begin listing the core principles or beliefs that you deeply embrace. If this list is difficult to make, consult some books about cultivating a moral compass, such as David Brooks's The Road to Character or How to Know a Person—or. Stephen Covey's The Principle-Centered Leader. Each will aid you in developing a set of personal core values.

We must be guided by what is inside us, not outside of us. As Benjamin Franklin said, “It is the eye of other people that ruin us. If I were blind, I would want neither fine clothes, fine houses, or fine furniture.”

Second, ask yourself the “why” question: Why do you care so much about others’ opinions? Our motives reveal a lot about our character. In fact, I believe that why you do something will ultimately determine what you do. It’s all about motivation. If you’re concerned about others’ judgments because you care for them deeply as people, that’s a normal, healthy motive. You recognize you are part of a larger community that influences others and that you must consider how your actions affect them. If you worry about their judgments because you simply don’t want people to dislike you, that’s another issue. If you’re a supervisor, there will be days when your team doesn’t like you. If you’re a parent, there will be days when your children don’t like you. If you're in any position where you must take a stand on key issues, there will be some who don’t like you. As Abraham Lincoln said, “You can please some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot please all the people, all of the time.” Leadership is all about results and relationships, but you must achieve results, or you’re not really leading anything.

At some point, we’ll need to think like Rick Barry and not Wilt Chamberlain.