Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Source: Jay Openiano/Unsplash

Using others as a measuring stick to assess your own worth is widely embedded in our highly competitive culture. This process starts fairly early in childhood when students are stratified based on academic merit. The rise in youth sports popularity has further reinforced this process as children compete against each other to make their desired sports team.

It is completely understandable that you would compare yourself to your peers to determine your standing in different facets of life. You might look at someone’s house or cars to assess how financially successful you are compared to them. If you are in academia or medicine, you may look at someone’s publications and credentials to gauge how your professional achievements stack up to theirs. Even as a parent, you might compare yourself to other parents based on how your children behave in public or perform at school.

The rise of social media has intensified this process. With the scroll of a finger, you can engage in an endless stream of social comparisons in every facet of your life. Our youth are particularly vulnerable to the effects of social media because they deeply care about how they are perceived by their peers.

There is nothing wrong with seeking ways to evaluate your performance. Gathering objective data can help you monitor your progress toward a desired goal. The problem is that you are using an inaccurate measuring system. There are inherent cognitive errors when you compare yourself to others.

First of all, studies show that we compare ourselves to those who seem ahead in some way and forget about the masses who are in a worse predicament. Such vertical comparisons can trigger feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, which pose a threat to your self-esteem and overall mood (1).

In addition, social comparisons are based on appearances. You compare your real, messy life to the life of someone who appears to have more of what you want. For example, when someone drives by in a luxury car, you may assume they are in a better financial position. However, how can you be certain this is the case? What if they took out significant debt to lease their car and are struggling to make the monthly payment?

Furthermore, social comparisons are inaccurate because their focus is too narrow. They myopically focus on the parts of your life in which you feel behind. Yet, they ignore other areas in which you are ahead. As a result, they do not provide a complete picture of your overall standing in life.

As an example, I worked with someone who felt embarrassed to be raising his family in an apartment. He spent his free time looking up houses and envied his friends who were homeowners.

During our work together, I asked this individual to take a step back to obtain a more complete view of his life. Despite living in close quarters, he was happily married and enjoyed a strong bond with his children. Did he ever consider the possibility that his friends who owned homes did not enjoy the same type of bond with their spouses and children behind closed doors?

Finally, social comparisons will not keep you satisfied for long because they are a constantly moving target. After achieving any goal, it is only a matter of time before you start comparing yourself to a new set of people who appear ahead of you in some way.

When I was a broke medical student, I compared myself to other broke classmates who aspired to become physicians. As an attending, the target has moved to include other attendings or successful professionals.

Even billionaires compare themselves to other billionaires. In the words of Gary Shteyngart, who interviewed billionaires for his novel Lake Success:

“Here were people who could purchase anything they could ever want and whose wealth was widely envied, and even they weren’t content. At the end of the day, I was just happy to end this research, because it was quite depressing." (2)

Social Comparison Theory Essential Reads

Why You Feel Less Than, and How to Remember You’re Enough

Why Your Neighbor’s New Car Feels Like a Personal Attack

If you find yourself feeling worse after comparing yourself to others, don’t despair. Here are five tips to help you avoid the trap of social comparisons.

1. Focus on personal growth

Success is not a zero-sum game. Everyone is climbing a different mountain. Someone achieving their goals does not mean you cannot achieve your goals. Your success may look different than what you had originally envisioned. Be flexible and embrace the ambiguity of your journey.

2. Be curious

Adopting a curiosity mindset can spare you feelings of envy and inadequacy when comparing yourself to others. When someone achieves a goal you desire, study their success. It leaves behind clues to help you achieve your own personal goals.

3. Set boundaries with social media

Social media is an arena that amplifies social comparisons. Make sure to set boundaries with it.

As a personal example, I find it harder to set boundaries with social media when my cellphone is on me, even if it is on silent. As a result, when I return home from work, I leave it in the mudroom. This action creates a physical boundary between me and my cellphone, which helps me be more present with loved ones.

4. Be mindful

Our minds are master storytellers. Notice the stories you tell yourself when you compare yourself to others and how you feel after telling yourself such stories. Mindfulness can help you stop this process in its tracks.

5. Give yourself grace

Letting go of old habits is hard, especially when they are widely prevalent in society. Give yourself grace when you fall for the trap of social comparisons, and continue to shift your focus toward what matters most—being present with yourself and your loved ones.