How to Build Better Boundaries

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The following scenario is perhaps familiar: You have felt overwhelmed trying to keep up with competing work, social, and family responsibilities. There is no time for exercise, leisure, or rest because every second is devoted to juggling multiple balls in the air. As is usually the case, this is when you receive a text from a remote acquaintance with a last-minute ask.

You instantaneously feel a rush of emotions and physical symptoms, a clear signal that you need to say no. However, saying no is so hard for you. After some negotiating with yourself, you succumb to feelings of guilt and obligation and reluctantly agree to add one more responsibility.

Perpetually adding more work and social responsibilities to your jam-packed to-do list is a recipe for feeling overwhelmed, burned out, and exhausted. The only sustainable solution is to build better boundaries.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries define your responsibilities in any relationship. Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend describe them as an emotional fence between you and others. This fence contains a gate that you control. You open the gate by saying yes to requests and taking on additional responsibilities. You close the gate by saying no (1).

Closing the gate is easier said than done. I have worked with countless people who struggled to set boundaries due to a host of emotional forces such as guilt, anxiety, feelings of obligation, and the need to please.

Though difficult, setting boundaries is essential to navigating interpersonal relationships and preserving time for yourself. Here are seven tips to help you build better boundaries in your life.

1. Set boundaries with yourself.

Setting boundaries with others starts with setting boundaries with yourself. Take a moment to examine self-imposed expectations.

• Do you feel responsible for how other people feel?
• Do you assume responsibility for their actions?
• Do you clean up after other people’s mistakes?
• Do you avoid asking for help because you don’t want to inconvenience anyone?
• Do you hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else?
• Do you harshly criticize yourself when you fail to say or do the right thing?

Answering yes to these questions is evidence that you have raised your bar of expectations to unrealistic levels. You expect too much of yourself. Recalibrating self-imposed expectations is the first step to building better boundaries.

2. Tolerate the discomfort.

Attempting any new skill for the first time is difficult. This is especially true for setting boundaries. At first, setting boundaries is accompanied by a variety of uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt and anxiety, even if others do not protest your boundaries. An overwhelming urge to blurt out "yes" represents a desperate attempt to escape the discomfort.

Resist this urge to say yes in reflex. Press pause and take a deep breath before responding. Remember, the discomfort is momentary. It will pass on its own without having to compromise your boundaries.

3. Keep your answers short.

Another tactic to cope with the emotional discomfort of setting boundaries is to justify the reason behind them. Overexplaining your reasons for saying no may help you feel better. However, this tactic can backfire with someone who can masterfully manipulate your no into a yes.

Sharing too much information increases the odds that your boundaries will be compromised. A simple “Thank you for asking me, but I will not help” will suffice. You can be kind and direct when delivering the message.

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4. Create a new pattern.

People reflexively approach you with requests. Can you blame them? Repeatedly acquiescing to their demands has trained them to contact you every time the need arises.

It is human nature to pursue the path of least resistance. If you are viewed by others as agreeable and reliable in getting the job done, then people will predictably approach you with requests more often than they do someone who has firm boundaries.

Only you can disrupt this pattern. People will not stop approaching you until they encounter some resistance in the form of boundaries.

5. Stay consistent.

Have you ever wondered why playing slot machines at the casino can be so addictive? This is because the likelihood of getting a desirable outcome is so variable and unpredictable. If you knew in advance that there would be no payout after pulling the lever, then you would not bother playing that slot machine.

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The same holds for setting boundaries. If you are inconsistent with setting boundaries, then people will perpetually approach you to try their luck. Your inconsistent boundary-setting fuels their hope that they can turn your no into a yes if they try hard enough.

The key to setting boundaries is to be consistent. You may have to hold your ground a few times before others get the message that your boundaries are sturdy.

6. Tame your guilt.

Guilt arises from the difference between your behavior and what you expect of yourself. Saying no provokes guilt when you feel you should be saying yes. In response, you compromise your boundaries and reluctantly assume additional responsibilities.

To understand whether feelings of guilt are warranted, imagine a person you care about is facing a similar dilemma. They want to say no to a last-minute request but feel too guilty to say so. What would you tell them? Would you encourage them to succumb to their guilty conscience and take on the last-minute ask or permit them to say no?

Going through this exercise creates the necessary space to look at scenarios through an objective lens without the influence of guilt.

7. Make yourself a priority.

Selfish people care only about themselves. That is not you. Saying no is an act of self-preservation. Setting boundaries is essential to continue serving the needs of others at the highest level.

Becoming proficient in setting boundaries does not occur overnight. Like any new skill, it takes practice and intentional effort. Remembering these tips can help you be more effective in advocating for yourself.

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