How to Increase Compassion and Lower Contempt in Relationships

At heart, compassion is an appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share. When compassionate, we feel less isolated and more humane. Failure of compassion in love relationships leads to contempt.

Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others. It makes us feel less humane and isolated from loved ones.

Both compassion and contempt are contagious. Around compassionate people, we tend to become more compassionate. Around contempt— even when it’s not directed at us—we’re likely to become more contemptuous.

Both compassion and contempt are subject to projective identification. When we project onto partners that they’re compassionate or contemptuous, they’ll likely become more so. Projective identification is an effective way to bring about change in love relationships, for better and for worse. I urge my clients, and I urge you, to test this hypothesis in your own home. Try a week of projecting onto your partner that they are compassionate.

Compassion Screens

Compassion is a healing emotion and a lifeblood of relationships, but it consumes high mental energy; without compassion screens, we’re easily overwhelmed. Failure of compassion, which feels like betrayal in intimate relationships, often results from compassion screens that are porous or rigid.

With porous compassion screens, we give too much, take on too many burdens, or get fused with others. With rigid compassion screens, we give too little and grow isolated from loved ones. With flexible screens, self-compassion is balanced with compassion for others.

Compassion vs. Facts

Despite our prejudice, facts cannot replace compassion or have much to do with it at all. When my clients cite facts in arguments, they seem mystified that their partners get more upset. When we introduce facts in an argument, the subtext is that our partners have no right to be hurt or, worse, that there’s something wrong with them for being hurt, considering these facts. Hurt feelings are real and deserving of compassion, regardless of the facts involved.

We fight more about disparate interpretations of facts than about the facts themselves, even though interpretations are inherently biased and driven by personal history. In love (and politics), every negative statement is oversimplified, incomplete, subject to interpretation, and, most of the time, hypocritical. When we don’t try to understand our partners' perspectives, we’re likely to consider their interpretations of facts as attempts to mislead, manipulate, or gaslight.

Relationship Repair

Damaged relationships cannot be repaired without unconditional compassion. Look for compassion from offenders, not remorse. Too much remorse leads to more abuse. Remorse keeps abusers in devalued states, where they are more likely to reoffend. It reflects how bad the offender feels, which causes impatience with the repair process: “Get over it, so I can feel better.”

In contrast, compassion is focused on the offended partner’s well-being; it makes offenders want to help in recovery. It puts them in a valuing state in which they like themselves better and are far less likely to abuse again.