Memory and the Sense of Self

Psychologist Daniel Kahneman made an important distinction between what he called the Experiencing Self and the Remembering Self. Thoughts, feelings, and sensations occurring now comprise the Experiencing Self. The Remembering Self constructs a narrative of life based on memories. But it's prone to biases, such as focusing on the peak and end of a past experience, while largely ignoring its duration. For example, we might remember a vacation as bad, based on a single argument while packing to go home, regardless of how good it was before that.

I’ve noticed in 40-plus years of practice that clients with disturbances in the sense of self, including personality disorders, have memories that by and large lack specificity and coherence.

Specificity

Specificity means recalling a particular event at a particular time and place. For instance, my client Susan reported that last week her partner sincerely apologized for ignoring her, and the two of them went for a pleasant walk around the lake near their house.

We tend not to recall events with specificity. Rather, we generalize. For example, Susan said at the beginning of our session:

“Last week was good."

Only when I asked her for specifics was she able to recall them. Without coherence, generalizing that one’s past experience was good can lead to a weakened sense of self:

“My life is good, so why do I feel bad?”

Caveat: Take care when asking for specificity of people’s memories; they may infer that the request for specificity means you don’t believe them or that you want them to prove that last week was “good.”

Coherence

We sometimes confuse coherence of memory with accuracy. Most memories lack accuracy because memory did not evolve to be a movie or photo album of the past. It evolved to keep us safe and well in the present. The memory of stepping on a nail makes us watch where we walk. The memory of a good vacation - one that ended well - makes us want to return to that place, regardless of the discomfort and disappointment that preceded the end.

Coherence means forming a complete whole, with various aspects of memory connecting to each other. Memory on autopilot is not very coherent. But we can deliberately make it more so. When we do, the sense of self becomes stronger.

Coherence of memory is comprised of:

1. Specificity
2. Time frame
3. Evaluation
4. Meaning.

Specificity is the same as above. Susan reported that last week her partner sincerely apologized for ignoring her and the two of them went for a pleasant walk around the lake near their house.

Time frame places memories in temporal context. In our session on August 10, Susan realized that she'd made significant improvement in assertiveness and confidence since she started treatment on January 3.

Evaluation: Susan felt a sense of elation reflecting on her progress.

Meaning: She viewed her relationship with more appreciation and less ill-will.

Reconditioning the Remembering Self

A common mantra in self-help literature urges that we pay more attention to the Experiencing Self. While this is good advice, it’s important to note that most mental and emotional activity runs on autopilot, where the Remembering Self dominates.

Even when trying to be specific and coherent, the conscious mind can fall prey to confirmation bias. In other words, we look for evidence to support the generalized evaluation (it was good or bad), ignoring all disconfirming evidence.

Reconditioning Exercise

Consider an unpleasant memory – a mistake you made or bad behavior you’ve done:

I behaved poorly to my wife.

Specificity:

I yelled at my wife. I felt anxious about being late for the concert we were getting ready to attend. I started getting nervous that afternoon; we'd been late before and had to wait for intermission to take our seats.

Time frame:

At 6 pm on Saturday I wanted us to start getting ready. But I started fretting about it around noon.

Memory Essential Reads

Harnessing the Power of Memory

Let Music Be Your Medicine

Evaluation:

I didn’t like my response. Yelling at my wife is not the person I want to be.

Meaning:

She takes longer to get ready, but the results are better. In the future, I’ll make sure we have enough time to accommodate her more deliberate pace.

Note how applying specificity and coherence leads to solutions and a better mood. Don't act on generalized memories without applying a degree of specificity and coherence.