Barriers to Compassion

Compassion is the healing emotion and the lifeblood of close relationships. But through no fault of their own, many people suffer disabling inhibitions that stifle their natural motivation to be compassionate to loved ones. They cannot heal old hurts and cannot love without hurt.

The major inhibitions of compassion are fear and shame. The fear inhibition rises from the assumption that compassion makes us vulnerable and leads inevitably to hurt. The shame inhibition rises from the assumption that we’ll seem weak, like a doormat. Deeper shame comes from perceived inadequacy for being unable to sustain compassion.

Inhibitions usually habituate (run on autopilot). But we can overcome them by forging new coping habits.

Compassion Makes Us Less Vulnerable

With compassion, we see the vulnerability of others — and how they cope with it. This unique insight reduces the likelihood that we’ll internalize other people’s judgments, attitudes, or behavior. Compassion helps us distinguish disappointment from rejection.

Personal power is the ability to act in our long-term best interests. In that sense, we’re more powerful when compassionate than when angry, when acting on values instead of reacting in kind (reacting to a jerk like a jerk).

For example, a client was shamed by his male co-workers for developing compassion for his wife. They called him “p*ssy-whipped.” In treatment, he recognized that his co-workers’ derision came from their sense of inadequacy, and he no longer internalized it.

The Duration Illusion

I’ve had scores of clients who resisted compassion as a healing emotion because they knew they couldn’t sustain it.

“I can do it for a little while, but not forever, so it’s better not to try.”

Fortunately, we don’t need to sustain compassion for very long, if we make it available when it’s needed. Most acts of compassion are short-lived, which brings us to the compassion paradox:

If available whenever needed, it’s seldomly needed.

Practice showing compassion for any hurt or distress, and you’ll see that it’s needed less frequently.

Negative Impressions in Love

We’re highly sensitive to partners having negative impressions of us. They don't need to verbalize their negative impressions; they're apparent in body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

It’s so painful when people we love have negative impressions of us that we perceive them as attacks and tend to attack back, knowing full well that it will only aggravate their negative impressions.

For example, my wife resentfully complains that I never listen to her. I feel unjustly accused as I point out all the times I have listened to her. She perceives my defensive tone as devaluing and patronizing. By reacting in kind to her negative impression, I’m reinforcing it and missing the real problem.

The general rule: Learn what creates negative impressions and ask what you can do to change it. For example, my wife’s resentful because she feels ignored, rejected, or isolated. With this understanding, I sincerely respond to her complaint:

“You’re right, I need to listen to you more. You deserve respect.”

This will change her negative impression. Opposing it will strengthen it.

It’s not important that I get ego credits for having listened to her in the past. It’s important that she feels heard in the present.

Intimate Connection

Intimate connection requires:

• Knowledge of your partner’s core self
• Acceptance of your partner’s core self
• Affection
• Support
• Protection

We must know our partners’ deeper values. We must know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. We must know what our partners’ faces look like when they’re sad and when they’re happy.

We must know and support their dreams.

We must know what we appreciate about our partners and what they appreciate about us.