Overcoming a Fear of Criticism

No one likes criticism. Even those who criticize feel burdened by their perceived "need" to do it.

All my critical clients in the past 40 years have been at least intuitively aware that criticism is a major contributor to:

• Relationship discord
• Parent-child hostility
• Resentment
• Anxiety
• Depression

Criticism hurts (and fails to cause behavior modification) because it embodies two of the things that humans hate the most:

1. It calls for submission, and we hate to submit.
2. It devalues, and we hate feeling devalued.

Although we hate to submit, we like to cooperate. (Think of the good feeling you have when you willingly cooperate.) Critical people seem oblivious to this key point about human nature: The valued self cooperates; the devalued self resists.

If you want behavior change from a partner, child, relative, or friend, show value for the person. If you want resistance, criticize.

Most of us have honed defenses against the discomfort and pain of criticism. Many simply disregard or dismiss it. Others return it in spades, in escalating power struggles. Still others try to avoid it, to an extent that it becomes paralyzing.

Here are signs that fear of criticism is inhibiting emotional growth and well-being:

• Dread of what others might say
• Trouble making decisions
• Second-guessing yourself
• Regretting your decisions almost as soon as you make them.

Criticism is destructive to relationships when it is:

• About personality or character, rather than behavior
• Filled with blame
• Not focused on improvement
• Based on only one “right way” to do things
• Belittling.

“To belittle, you have to be little.” - Kahlil Gibran

Criticism is to relationships as smoking is to health. In close relationships, it typically starts on a low key and escalates over time, forging a downward spiral of resentment. The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner, who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense of being controlled, and so on, in a race to the bottom.

Understand the Critic

”Criticism is the most reliable form of autobiography.” - Oscar Wilde.

It helps to understand the critic's motivation, which typically goes beyond any specific topic of criticism. People who automatically criticize are:

• Most critical of qualities and behaviors of other people that they dislike or disown about themselves (interrupters hate to be interrupted).
• Often hypocritical
• Intolerant of being criticized.

They regulate their emotions with blame, denial, or avoidance. They seem to require feeling self-righteous. In the worst case, they suffer from predatory self-esteem. That is, they need to put other people down to feel okay about themselves.

Transcending Criticism

Criticism does the worst harm when we internalize it. The cure is to internalize the locus of control.

People with an external locus of control believe that their destiny and well-being are determined by powerful others. It correlates with anxiety, depression, resentment, anger, and troubled relationships.

People with an internal locus of control feel that they can manage their own well-being and success. It correlates with confidence, high self-esteem, and relationship harmony.

The best way to overcome a fear of criticism and internalize locus of control is to act on your values, not on what other people think.

Focus on effort more than outcome, on what you can control rather than what’s beyond your personal influence.

Take pride in your effort, independent of the approval of others.

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Foster self-compassion — sympathy for your hurt, hardship, and troubles, with motivation to heal, correct, and improve.

Reflect on the good decisions you’ve made in the past and how you’ve corrected or compensated for mistakes.

Turn the shame of making mistakes into pride for learning from them.

Convert Criticism to Constructive Feedback

Critical people often delude themselves into thinking that they merely give helpful feedback. Here are some ways to distinguish the two types of expression.

Criticism focuses on what’s wrong: Why can’t you pay attention to the bills? Feedback focuses on how to improve: Let’s go over the bills together.

Criticism implies the worst about the other’s personality: You’re stubborn and lazy. Feedback is about behavior, not personality: Can we start by sorting the bills according to due date?

Criticism devalues, at least by implication: I guess you’re just not smart enough to do this. Feedback encourages: I know you have a lot on your plate, but I’m pretty sure we can do this together.

Criticism implies blame about the past: It’s your fault we got into this financial mess. Feedback focuses on present and future improvement: We can get out of this mess if we both give up a few things. What do you think?

Criticism attempts to control: I know what’s best. I’m smarter and better educated. Feedback respects autonomy: I respect your right to make that choice, even though I don’t agree with it.

Criticism is coercive: You’re going to do what I want, or else I ... (won’t connect with you or will punish you in some way). Feedback is not coercive: I know we can find a solution that works for both of us.

Don’t Become What You Despise

Having been frequently criticized puts us at greater risk of becoming a criticizer. We can attenuate the risk by making behavior requests with a focus on:

• How to improve
• The behavior you would like to see, not on the personality of your partner or child
• Encouraging productive change, instead of undermining confidence
• Sincerely offering help
• Respecting autonomy
• Resisting the urge to punish or withdraw affection if you don’t get what you want.