Trust
Have You Experienced Intimate Betrayal?
Why do people lie, cheat and abuse?
Posted July 12, 2013
For nearly three decades, I’ve worked with people who, in one way or another, have either betrayed loved ones or have been betrayed by loved ones. In recent years, both the frequency and types of betrayal have exploded in my practice and is those of my colleagues. In our current age, people seem entitled to betray the trust of loved ones, if they “feel like it,” or to “get my needs met.”
Betrayal in intimate relationships occurs when a partner lies, cheats, surreptitiously uses family finances, chronically criticizes, stonewalls, yells or abuses. All of these hurtful behaviors constitute betrayal; each violates the implicit promise that gives us the courage to love in the first place: No matter what happens, the person you love and trust will:
- Care about your wellbeing
- Never intentionally hurt you.
Betrayal is Universal
One reason that recovery from intimate betrayal is so difficult is that we have a tendency to identify with the narrowest interpretation of painful experience – “I’ve been lied to or cheated on or abused or stolen from, etc.” Yet emotional healing is more accessible with an encompassing interpretation of experience that makes us feel less isolated and more connected to a broader humanity; human beings may be hurt by different things but we hurt in much the same way. More important, we heal in much the same way through connection to a larger community. Betrayal is not about being a victim of a certain kind of behavior; it’s not about being a victim at all. It can happen to anyone and usually does at some point in life. Focus on the specific kinds of betrayal inadvertently builds a “victim identity” that prevents healing and limits growth beyond the limitations of hurtful experience. The focus must not be on what kind of hurt we’ve suffered but on a generalized healing, growth, and renewal.
Healing as Growth beyond Hurtful Experience
Emotional healing, growth, and renewal are inherently general processes, even when the injuries that necessitate them have very specific causes. Just as the harm of a gunshot wound affects the general health of the body, not merely the wounded area, intimate betrayal goes well beyond issues of trust and love to infect the way we make sense of our lives in general. In a very real sense, the meaning of your life changes after intimate betrayal of any kind. Just as treatment of physical wounds must boost the entire immune system to restore the general health of the body, emotional healing and growth must augment the psychological equivalent of the immune system to restore the general health of the mind, particularly its ability to create a life you fully value, with a palpable sense of meaning and purpose.
It’s Generic for the Betrayer, Too
All forms of intimate betrayal share a common fundamental motivation, whether the betrayer abuses, lies, cheats, steals, stonewalls, yells, or criticizes. The common motivation, though usually unconscious, is to gain a momentary feeling of empowerment from the adrenalin rush of violating deeper values, i.e., caring about the emotional wellbeing of loved ones. The rush makes them feel more alive, but only for as long as the adrenalin lasts. As the rush diminishes, self-doubt and depression emerge, creating an urge for more of the stimulant. Like all forms of stimulation, more and more of it is needed to produce the same effect. Betrayal, whatever form it takes, will likely increase in frequency and intensity over time, without intervention.
The way out for betrayers and betrayed alike is for each person to create more value and meaning in life. This is utterly necessary whether or not a couple afflicted with betrayal decides to repair the damaged relationship. Trying to repair the relationship with open wounds of betrayal - or to build a new life apart from the relationship – is fruitless and ultimately dispiriting. If you feel betrayed, healing and growth begins with the realization that you are not damaged, but your relationship is. You must heal first and, if you so choose, attempt repair later. You must heal first, to love and live fully.
Focus your emotional efforts on healing and growth; healthy relationships will follow.