Parenting Teenage Boys
Forget Trust; Focus on Compassion
Posted Jun 14, 2013
So many of my clients have problems with angry teenage boys that a brief post is in order.
Teenage girls get angry, too, of course, but they tend to be more amenable to processing emotions and talking them through, which at least gives parents a little more leverage in dealing with them. More worrisome, the testosterone surges that boys experience blunts their fear while it disinhibits, making them more susceptible to dangerous behaviors that both invoke and result from anger.
Teenage boys need a lot of structure. Both parents need to know where he is and what he’s doing at all times. Don’t fall into the “You don’t trust me,” trap. The issue isn’t trust but a realistic assessment of the dangerous world that adolescents must negotiate with limited pre-frontal cortex development. Before 18, a child does not have sufficient articulation in the judgment and regulatory areas of the brain to be able to see possible consequences of behavior under the stress of powerful impulses. It’s a dangerous combination, even when substances are not at all involved – increased impulsivity with diminished regulatory capacity.
Compassionate parents focus on the long-term wellbeing of the child, rather than the momentary ego boost of feeling “trusted.” A good parental rejoinder to “You don’t trust me,” is, “I don’t trust myself enough to know that you will be safe and well without knowing where you are and what you’re doing. So what can you do so that you will have some freedom without me having to worry so much?”
In particular teenagers need to learn that:
- They are part of a family and community which require some emotional investment – in small ways helping the family (chores) and occasional volunteer work in the community
- Respect for other people’s rights and property
- Money is a resource that must be managed responsibly.
In general, boys do not auditory-process as well as girls. (They hear almost as well, but don’t interpret the meaning of the spoken word as efficiently, not without other sensory modalities engaged.) If you want to give your son instructions or say anything important:
- Make eye contact and try to touch him while you speak (two or three sensory modalities work better than one)
- If detail is important, ask him to repeat what you said
- Use short sentences and give him a chance to respond before going on (never lecture).
It’s easy for boys to get into the habit of automatically tuning out familiar voices, a habit that will cause them serious problems in future close relationships.
The world is cruel to the irresponsible.
Kids are not naturally responsible –parents or painful circumstances must teach them. Responsibility can be learned by modeling – responsible parents enjoy a better chance of having responsible children – but it also must be taught deliberately. Children can learn responsibility relatively painlessly up to about 13. After that, the life lessons that teach responsibility – mostly in the form of social sanctions and punishments - become more painful. Teaching responsibility to children is one of the most compassionate things parents can do for them.
The key to teaching responsibility is to make sure that your children understand this crucial fact: Power, privilege, and responsibility go together. When responsibility is high, so are the other two. And when it is low, so are the other two.
Teenagers, especially boys, feel powerless a lot of the time. They need to learn that they have the power to affect what happens to them by behaving responsibly. And they need to know in advance exactly how much power and privilege they will lose for specific irresponsible behaviors. That is really the way of the world. When you behave irresponsibly, say speeding or cheating on your taxes, you know in advance what the penalty will be.
Finally, children learn emotion regulation principally by modeling, not by what parents tell them. Like all mammals, the juveniles learn by watching the adults. There is a same sex bias to modelling – the boys watch the men more closely and the girls watch the women more closely, but they watch both parents to learn how to regulate emotions. Anger is an attribution of blame. If parents are blamers, children, especially high testosterone boys, are more likely to have anger problems. (Testosterone doesn't cause anger but it amplifies it considerably.) It's crucial for parents to model responsibility in all that they do, including owning their own mistakes, especially those that relate to disputes with their children.
For more help, see Compassionate Parenting