Emotional Abuse

Now, imagine being raised by someone who behaves toward their child as you have described in your article: imagine a child subjected to chronic, moderate to severe contempt by their own parent,

Add in the factor that your parent, who seems to resent and despise you, becomes angry at you easily, screams soul-destroying verbal abuse at you and slaps you around, sometimes hitting you with objects. Imagine a small child being subjected to such heartbreakingly rejecting and terrifying behaviors by the very person on whom he or she is abjectly dependent for approval, attention, and nurturing, plus the very basic survival needs of food and shelter.

That is what its like to be raised by someone with borderline pd (or bpd plus other co-morbid conditions.)

A child subjected to such treatment during their formative years is basically screwed; there's little chance that such a child will emerge into adulthood without some very real, long-term emotional damage, to one degree or another of severity.

An adult who experiences chronic emotional abuse from a partner or a spouse has the power and the ability to just walk away from the abusive relationship: an adult in an adult relationship can leave the room, leave the house, or leave the relationship entirely.

A 4-year-old child has no such option.

My fantasy wish is that there will someday be some kind of screening tool to determine if a person is emotionally stable and healthy enough to be a parent. If an individual falls below a certain minimal "good enough" level of emotional stability (if they are personality disordered, have mood disorders or psychotic disorders) an individual would be closely, frequently monitored to assess their parenting and either receive psychological help with parenting or the child would be removed for the sake of the child's own mental health.

Plus I wish that classes in "Healthy Living" would be required at all grade levels: classes that clearly demonstrate to children and teens the very real difference between healthy and unhealthy (aka abusive) behaviors, relative to both peer relationships and child /adult interactions.

"Abusers do not change by receiving compassion; they change by learning to give it." I feel like I had a revaluation reading this sentence. My older brother was and still is emotionally abusive towards me. I am 24, and for my whole life I have tried giving him compassion with the hopes that he would reciprocate and stop the abuse. I think, from reading this statement, the problem is that he doesn't know how to show compassion. Luckily I have learned to distance myself from him, and maybe one day he will learn to be compassionate. Thank you very much, Dr. Stosny, for this eye opening article.

I really enjoyed reading this site and especially the posts. I too was raised by an emotionally abusive mother. Worse, our family looked like the Brady Bunch from the outside. It screwed with my mind--because I was aware at what other people saw--and yet--within I felt so alienated--even from my own inner being.

It took a rough divorce--and a complete physical breakdown for me to begin understanding that "I was the problem"--meaning--that I could not control my mother or my husband's perceptions of me--all I could change was my perception of them--all I could change was the value I placed on their opinions of me--and when I learned to DETACH--from thinking and believing I needed their approval, attention or validation--my life slowly began to change.

I also submerged myself in learning all I could about codependency--and what I learned saved my life.

My parents are Adult children of alcoholics, and are emotionally stunted--they are reactive parents with little ability to empathize with their own children...due to the traumas they endured as children.

My relationship with them was a byproduct of their childhoods--and once I realized it was NOT ME--and it was THEM--and their PROGRAMMING that was off--relief showed up...

I have since dedicated my life to helping others heal from the emotional abuse that is caused by codependent family dynamics.

My book The Road Back To Me is the way I chose to honor the little girl in me, who way back when, never had a right to a voice.

Thank you for this site, and all the info and shared stories here...

Namaste...

Thank you so much for this article. I am having a very hard time in my marriage right now and am in the midst of being cut off physically and emotionally. This is so comforting to hear that I am not alone and that this abuse is real. Thank you.

If you live with an abusive person and with daily or very frequent abuse, it's likely that they will not change and definitely will not develop 'compassion' because not only do they not want to, they cannot.

Why would they want to stop manipulating, lying, raging, belittling, and controlling? Why would a habitually abusive person change what works for them?

They act much like pedophiles, grooming their victims, increasing the amount and frequency of abuse until the victim accepts it as the norm, not because it is normal, because the victim knows it's not, but because it is the only way to survive or keep the relationship intact.

Developing and displaying compassion might be possible in cases of non-abandonment/abuse triggered abuse in an adult, as in the stress caused by economic issues or illness, but not when a child (who has grown into an adult abuser) was abandoned emotionally or lived in a home with drug or alcohol abuse. If that's the case, the best recourse to the victim is to dismantle the relationship. No amount of wishing will make the abuser compassionate and stop the abuse.

My husband is seen as a nice guy. But those who have stayed with us for more than a right have see another side. Negativity, snickering. some laugging inappropriately, more negativity,constant complaining,micromanaging everything,etc. Not how you want to live for 10 yrs. So I decided to ignore it as much as possible. I'm 5weeks into the ignoring and it's starting to work a little. No one's perfect, but he thinks he is.
It would have been easier to ignore it right from the start of the marriage. I think it might have tapered off a little.

I'm a 41 year old Woman who's in a very emotionally abusive relationship with a 53 year old.It's only been 6 months of us dating and I've experienced him ignoring me completely when we're together or when I'm over his Place to making cruel jokes towards me in front of his Friends,these are just a few examples of his emotional abuse towards me.He has even gone as far as making sexual comments about other Women.One example of this is we were watching a Movie one night and there was a Scene where a Woman was breastfeeding,his response was 'wow,what beautiful Breasts!'.I'm a very Attractive and Intelligent Woman who's never had a problem attracting a Man,but what I value more is that I'm a good person with good morals and values and was brought up to treat others with compassion and kindness and it hurts beyond words to have someone who I have such strong feelings for to constantly be hurting me all the time.I am currently trying to seek professional help in building back my self worth as well as my self esteem and finding enough strength in leaving this Man.His Mother Died when he was 8 years old,she suffered from severe depression and as a result was neglectful physically as well as emotionally and his Father was a great Provider,but that was about it,so I know and understand why he is like this,but in no way am I making any excuses for his actions whatsoever.I was abandoned by my Father at a very early age,and as a result I've always craved attention,love and affection from a Partner....I'm trying to love myself for the wonderful Person I am,but it's extremely hard when I continue to subject myself to the emotional abuse.It doesn't help that the sex is intensely amazing either.

Written by:I need help!!!!!!!!!

Great interesting article.Thanks for sharing article.

Here is the link to a site that lists all types of abusive behaviors, including physical abuse and sexual abuse. Below the link is a partial list of emotionally abusive behaviors.

http://www.cdh.org/medical-services/services-a-z/emergency/domestic-abuse/abusive-behavior-checklist.aspx

Emotional abuse includes but is not limited to:

Frequently blames or criticizes you

Calls you perjorative names

Ridicules your beliefs, feelings, opinions, needs, etc.

Blames you for "causing" the abuse

Criticizes or threatens to harm your family or friends

Isolates you from your family and friends

Abuses animals/your pets to instill fear and obedience in you, and/or to punish you

Withholds approval, appreciation, attention or affection

Humiliates you, particularly in public

Makes unreasonable, perfectionistic demands

Makes contradictory demands (changes the "rules" without notice)

Does not include you in important decisions

Does not allow you to sleep

Repeatedly harasses you about things you did in the past

Threatens to commit suicide unless you (do/don't do "X")

Makes physically threatening gestures like cornering you, getting an inch from your face and screaming insults and threats at you, throwing objects at you, slamming their fists into the wall or door, breaking your possessions, etc., for the purpose of instilling fear and obedience in you

There's more, but that's just a sample.

-Annie

The more research I do regarding those who are victims of psychological abuse the more I see just how common it is. My situation is an all too familiar story...
My partner of four years was the love of my life, or so it seemed to me and everyone else around us. After the 'honeymoon period' (12 months or so I would say) I began to see that he was not as perfect as I thought. Many, many arguments, conflicts and 3 previous 'attempts' to leave him later I find myself finally having the courage and fight in me to check out of this relationship - yesterday I booked an airline ticket out of our small town and left. I feel terrified, afraid, very sad, but most of all I feel proud. I feel proud of myself for having the brains, not to mention guts, to figure out that he WILL NOT ever change. To realise it WASN'T ALL my fault - according to him it is me that needs to change - to just 'chill out' and do things his way; always, always, always his way. His way or the highway - that saying should have his name written underneath it.
I really like the words written about compassion and abusers 'they don't change by receiving compassion" - these type of people don't ever learn to give it - they love 'my type' because we give loads of compassion, empathy, apologies, and keep feeding their kind - that's why they love 'us'.

I hope you too have the strength, life is too short to be living an unappreciated and worthless life.

I was married 13 years to an abuser and had three children with him. Now I'm on my second marriage to another abuser and have two children with him. My mother was an emotional/verbal abuser to me (but not my siblings) and continued into my adulthood until about two years ago when I finally cut her off because she was also emotional/verbal abusing my children.

My husband could very clearly see what she was doing to me. It was him who brought it to my attention. Explained to me that she was battering me.

So why does he do it? Why do I take it? Why can't I get him to understand what he's doing? He drove my older children away to live with their dad because they couldn't stand to be in this house. They were equally miserable there. And now our two little girls are old enough to realize it's happening and they are taking on the victim mentality. Tonight my 10yo said "It's just the way men are." My 8yo said "Let's just ignore it and act like it didn't happen." NO. This must stop. He won't go to counseling. I won't get a divorce. I'm a Christian and I know we really do love each other. I'm just not sure what to do next.

I told my 10yo daughter this is not how ALL men are. But I don't know how to get someone to change who doesn't believe they have a problem. Any time I have said we should go to counseling he has said that I'll just find someone that agrees with me and says he has to change. Of course I said that if a counselor believes I need to change my behavior I WANT to change because I WANT to have a happy marriage and family.

I've just ended a relationship that possibly bordered along the lines of emotional abuse. I'm not sure though, because I know I say things that push him to say biting things back to me... so is that really abuse or is it just him retaliating (and rightly so)? Every time we have gotten close to breaking up, I think to myself, maybe if I was nicer and I didn't say the comments that I do, or maybe if I gave more positive feedback and was more appreciative, then it wouldn't give him any reason to attack me with words. And I start to think that it is my fault for not being a more loving and affectionate person... Maybe I am the emotional abuser?
So is it really emotional abuse or am I blaming something or someone else other than me? Did I make a mistake in telling him that I couldn't handle it anymore?

I have been trying to keep it together and focus on finding a way out. I didn't know what financial abuse was until a few years ago. I always shared money with my older sister since we were orphaned and she controlls it all even after we became business partners. She treats me like dirt, calls me names, diagnoses me with mental illnesses to justify her behavior. She is so dirty that I have to decide every day whether to clean up after her or live in filth (pet feces and rotting food) in order to prioritize other things that I need to do. It's been getting harder and her false accusation tonight is the last straw. She refuses to clean but rages about how messy the hoise is and talks about burning it down. If I ever soak dishes to get dried food off and wash it a little later, she accuses me of leaving dirty dishes all the time and uses it as an excuse to never wash anything she uses. when asked to srop doing something, she lies and says "you do it too" in a nasty voice and it makes me madder than getting hit. I don't know why the words make me more angry thanh the years of physical abuse which was really scary when I was yoinger. Tonight I am at the end of my wits and I just started smashing things I can't get clean, while sweeping up the pieces I find more things to smash. I just want to hit things with the broom. I am so angry I can't calm down and lately I have debated whether to kill myself every day but I'm embarrassed about people coming to a filthy house to get my body. I am just raging mad and I can't seem to calm down even though the thing happened hours ago. I just want to keep smashing things because tomorrow I will have to decide whether to use the little free time I have washing dishes that will be dirty again almost immediately or just love with a kitchen sink that smells like a sewer. Or if I should spend my evening scrubbing her dog's dried urine which is in thick brown layers dried on floor of the entire house. I will have to do work for which she has already receive payment just to keep a roof over my dependants' heads and be allowed to pay their medical bills from the household account. I will have to live with no privacy or access to assets I am part owner of on paper. My income is a just a number she puts on a tax form to lower her own taxes. I keep wishing she would die in an accident before I have to choose whether or not to kill myself.