Why relaxing is so much work.
Verified by Psychology Today
Cleaning up emotional pollution
Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
“Revisionist history,” in reference to individuals, is synonymous with “memory.”
The internet has taken the dark practice of bullying to new dimensions, making it ubiquitous and inescapable.
In the experience of negative emotions, most thought processes work to justify our feelings rather than to test the reality of our assumptions.
When abusers feel disappointed, sad, guilty, ashamed, anxious, or unlovable, they automatically blame partners or children.
The natural function of all pain, including resentment, is to motivate behavior that will heal and improve.
Repairing a relationship damaged by chronic resentment, anger, abuse, or betrayal takes consistent compassion.
The only chance of getting compassion, kindness, and cooperation is being respectful, compassionate, kind, and cooperative.
It can be hard to discern warning signs early in a relationship, especially when dating online.
Breaking the laws of attachment breeds guilt and shame. If these reactions feel like punishments rather than motivations, people may begin to blame loved ones.
When we feel bad, we’re likely to assume the worst about our partners' intentions.
All violent relationships are emotionally abusive, but most emotionally abusive relationships never become violent. These factors increase the risk.
Understanding differences in compassion style is crucial for committed partners, who would otherwise judge — and resent — loved ones for not responding the same way they would.
We tend to focus our efforts where we have the least influence and the least chance of success, namely trying to change other people.
The biggest mistake partners make in relationships is assuming that events and behaviors mean the same to both of them.
Once accepted, disliked traits can be improved with practice.
If someone needs you, he or she is more likely to abuse you than to give freely of love and support.
We digest more information about eating and see more images of food in the media and the environment at large than the rest of the people on the planet.
Failure of compassion turns attachments negative. Reinstatement of compassion will turn them back.
Checklists of unhealthy relationships suffer from the great affliction of the 21st Century: We’re against more than we’re for.
It’s easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a large ego to fit into a good relationship.
When feeling right is more important than being right, you’re likely to devalue, dismiss, or disrespect those who disagree.
In our closest relationships, we can learn compassionate assertiveness, standing up for our own rights and preferences while respecting the rights and preferences of others.
Racing thoughts must have answers to form alternative synaptic connections and prevent thought-looping.
True compassion helps us to trust wisely. It helps us see the pain people suffer and the defenses they use against their pain.
When we reflect on how we feel, we bring into implicit memory past instances that evoked similar feelings, creating an illusion that it’s always been that way and always will be.
To experience the wonder of being alive, we must acknowledge and transcend the terror of being alive.
To be heard in the cacophonous sea of voices, individuals must amplify their own, so they’re likely to express exaggerated thoughts they don’t fully believe.
Even if factually correct, one perspective is incomplete. The reality of any interaction and of the relationship as a whole is both perspectives together.
If your life feels genuine, with sustained interest, purpose, conviction, and compassion, you have created a set of values and more or less kept true to them.
We can wipe away the footprints of injury by identifying with our innate resilience and ability to heal.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., treats people for anger and relationship problems. His recent books include How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It and Love Without Hurt.