Mojonomics: The Supply of, and Demand for, Self-Confidence

Once upon a time, there was a planet populated by many species, one in particular that had a unique diet. In addition to the basics that they had in common with the other species on the planet, they needed a special resource. Without it, they felt starved, stressed, distracted, uneasy, and unable to function. So there was intense competition for this one special resource. It was as invisible as air, but people could track who was getting it and who wasn’t.

Still, they couldn’t talk about their need for this resource. It was taboo, shameful. Admitting to their hunger for this invisible yet essential resource would deprive them of it. Accusing other individuals of craving it would supply them with it, which made competition for it all the more intense.

These creatures could talk about this invisible resource, but only indirectly. Seeking it, the creatures called it proud, positive names. They talked in romantic terms about how it's an infinite, abundant, magical resource that everyone should be able to get to their satisfaction. Seeking not to share it, they gave it insulting and shameful names, as if it were something only weak and sinful creatures would crave.

When the resource became scarce, the creature warred over it, though never daring to name it directly. The wars would deplete the resource, but not just. In their wars over it, they would burn through other essential resources. They risked making life on their planet unsustainable.

Some of the creatures learned how to hoard this resource, amassing vast quantities for themselves by depriving others of it. The deprived creatures were ambivalent about the hoarders. They called them greedy and selfish, but they also envied them. Many flocked to be as close to the hoarders as they could get, hoping some of the wealth might trickle down to them.

Can you guess what resource this might be?

The planet is ours. The species is us. This special resource is self-confidence. We give it positive names like love, connection, kindness, empathy, dignity, or honor, as if it were some infinite magical substance everyone should have in abundance. We give it negative names like ego, narcissism, sadism, and greed, as if it’s something craved only by deficient souls who had yet to transcend their shallowness. And the subject is taboo. We feel prouder saying we seek sex, money, status, or influence than we do saying we crave self-confidence. To admit to needing it—to being needy—saps our self-confidence.

Whether we admit it or not, we all crave it. We all know what it’s like to feel starved of self-confidence. It can be excruciating to go without. Worse, when deprived of it, it shows, which makes it easy to accuse us of being needy, thirsty, even greedy, which saps our self-confidence.

Most of us know what it’s like to have it, a joyous feeling, a spring in one’s step, and a secret to success, because self-confidence breeds self-confidence. People gravitate to those who have the charisma that confidence breeds, which rewards them with even more self-confidence.

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, not just with money, though money is one of the currencies by which we gain or lose self-confidence. There are many other confidence currencies—money, status, beauty, hotness, mates, religion, spirituality, ideology, sex, belonging to a tribe—that make us feel like heroes. Still, it’s taboo to suggest that we seek these for self-confidence.

Why this unique craving in humans? In a way, it’s not unique. Dogs were domesticated to seek and deliver it. Under distressing conditions, other organisms can become weakened by stress. But it’s different with humans because we live in two realms, the concrete and the abstract.

With human language, we have gained the ability to imagine all manner of possibilities, both threatening and reassuring. Humans trudge through a sandstorm of confidence-eroding possibilities—all the imaginable, past, present, and future threats and missed opportunities that no other creature can imagine. We are FOMO sapiens. Through our imaginations, we fear missing out on possibilities that other critters, lacking language, can’t conceive.

Humans are an uncommonly anxious species. Still, through our imaginations, we can think happy, reassuring thoughts to compensate. Happy, hopeful, and optimistic thoughts, however fictional, are fundamental to replenishing our self-confidence. We seek and welcome praise, compliments, respect, flattery, and pandering. Deprived of it by others, we can self-nourish through self-affirmation, saying what we need to hear about ourselves, becoming legends in our own minds.

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In economics, they say, “If you want to predict people’s behavior, follow the money,” but it’s more than just money. Follow the self-confidence: this black-market, essential resource, taboo to mention. Even saying “follow the self-confidence” can seem shameful, or cynical, as if everyone is a greedy, needy egomaniac, including oneself.

Still, we can’t help but seek it. It’s a natural consequence of our unprecedented human imagination. It explains our romantic natures: The dream of happily-ever-after that lives in all of us but can’t be met by reality. At heart, we crave to be what I’ll call permaffirmed, granted infinite affirmation. In religion, it’s called “absolution.” Absolute freedom from self-doubt and anxiety.

We become accustomed to the self-confidence we get. With time, our expectations can adjust to our station. But we can also habituate to what we can get, taking it for granted and seeking more, not noticing how reliant we become on our reliable sources of self-confidence—for example, the partner who didn’t realize how much they relied on their partner’s affirmation until their partner left. As the song says, “You don’t miss your water ‘til your well runs dry.”

Though we can habituate to the self-confidence available to us, if more becomes available, we don’t pass it up. Economists also say, “no one leaves money on the table.” Again, that applies to all confidence currencies and understandably so. It’s natural for us to accumulate whatever confidence we can get. Save for a rainy day. For all we know, we won’t have enough tomorrow. Good to have some reserves.

Psychology would benefit from more direct, plainspoken, and honest attention to self-confidence, stripped of the euphemistic (e.g., love, respect, connection) and pejorative (e.g., needy, egotistical, narcissistic) spin. I call this perspective mojonomics, the study of supply of and demand for self-confidence.

I do follow the self-confidence in my own life and in all of us, and it explains a lot.