How to Tell Gloataholic Gaslighters Off

There are people I’m convinced don’t care at all about what they claim to care about more than anyone else.

Why am I convinced? I compare their squawk to their walk. They out-squawk everyone about the importance of their high-minded principles, but then apply them selectively, only to their advantage. For all their squawking, they’re no more virtuous than average.

Indeed, they’re less virtuous, because the squawking gives them cover. They just voice outrage at other people’s sins. Blare that siren loud enough, and they feel like saints waging a holy war against evil. In war, the rules change. There’s honor in every dirty deed done in self-defense.

Their hysterical squawk and hypocritical walk leave me confident that they don’t care a bit about what they squawk about. I could be wrong. It’s just a guess. Still it’s an educated guess, and anyway, I’m convinced. Nothing they could squawk at this point would convince me otherwise.

The devil’s in the deeds done, and watching the deeds, I’m convinced they’re posers. I don’t trust them. I don’t take their word for anything, and it’s my right to not do so. To me, they sound like gloataholics: people addicted to gloating, to feeling right.

They’re gaslighters too, a side effect of their addiction to gloating. Gloataholic gaslighters are sado-narcissists. They’re addicted to dancing on the graves of all their challengers. Whether that means affirming themselves or disaffirming others, it doesn’t matter to them.

If you’re confident that you’re dealing with a gloataholic, gaslighting sado-narcissist, here are 10 suggestions.

1. Plan your getaway.

Find a way out of interaction with them. Ducking out is fine, but you may find it necessary to have a last confrontation and to alert others. Having an escape plan, you’ll be able to handle your exit more productively.

2. Stay calm.

Once you have an escape plan, you don’t have to try to convince the gloataholic gaslighter of anything. That’s a good thing since they live to remain unconvinced.

Once your physical safety is secured, you can interact with them like the gloat machines they want to be, heartless and incorrigible—literally uncorrectable. Don’t get suckered into caring about what they think. Breathe. Speak your mind but don’t try to persuade the unpersuadable.

3. Ignore their passionate arguments.

Squawking, whining, scolding, and preaching loudest is completely unrelated to being right. There are three ways to win a debate: 1) Make the stronger case; 2) Declare war, so you feel entitled to use any dirty trick in the book; 3) Be relentless until your opponents give up.

Making the stronger case is of no use with gloataholic gaslighters, so ignore the case they’re making. You’ve already decided they don’t care about what they claim to care about. Stop paying attention to their passionate arguments.

4. Ignore their moralizing refereeing.

Gloataholic gaslighters refuse to dismount their moral high horses, not that they care a bit about morality, as is evident from their hypocrisy, their interrupting to scold you about interrupting, their “You don’t know that for sure” skepticism as though that means they know for sure, their “You’re just trying to win” as though they’re not, and above all, their eager, instant escalation to maintain dominance.

Once you’re convinced that you’re dealing with a gloataholic gaslighter, don’t let them tangle you up in your own moral convictions. They have no authority by which to stir your concerns about your virtue. And don’t pretend that you can make them moral by setting a good moral example.

If they use a dirty trick on you, it’s perfectly fine for you to use it back. Will it escalate things? Sure, but you have an escape plan, so you’re not trying to win the debate. At most, you’re showing them that they’re impotent to set the moral rules. Their moralizing is as credible to you as a sore loser’s who keeps changing the rules of a board game so that they win. Don’t care about their cries of “Not fair!”

5. Talk behind their backs.

If someone is automatically making you wrong for challenging them, they may think they’ll change your mind. They won’t. They’re just inviting you to keep them in the dark. Let others know about the gaslighting gloataholic, and don’t be ashamed of not sharing your interpretation with the gloataholic gaslighter. They’ve earned a bad reputation, and you’re going to spread it.

6. Don’t indulge in outrage-fueled gloating in response.

Their immorality does not make you morally pure. Outrage at others tends to make us forget our own fallibility. Don’t let their high-horse antics make you assume you’ve got a higher horse to mount. Besides, you lose credibility when you talk like you’re a saint describing a sinner.

7. In a confrontation, focus only on their gloataholic gaslighting.

A gloataholic gaslighter demands control of all conversation. You may feel morally obligated to be a good listener. That’s a fine moral standard for give-and-take dialogue, but not for dealing with these guys. In confrontations with them, pivot relentlessly, always back to your one theme—calling them out on their gloataholic gaslighting. Everything they say in response to your accusation will deny your accusation, thereby confirming your accusation.

To illustrate: They’ll say, “You’re wrong,” to which you say, “There you go again, proving my point.” No matter what topics they pretend they want to debate, don’t take the bait, because it’s not a debate. Remembering that it's not a debate takes enormous self-discipline, but it's the only thing that works.

8. Don’t jockey for authority.

You have no authority, and neither do they. You’ve made a careful guess. It meets your evidentiary standards. You’re confident that you’re dealing with a gloataholic gaslighter. You could be wrong, but that’s your guess.

So when they say, “You don’t know for sure,” don’t misread that as evidence of their commitment to critical thinking. No one knows for sure. Still, you're each entitled to your interpretation. You don’t care whether they’re convinced that they’re gloataholic gaslighters. You don’t care about their opinion, because you’ve decided they’re just automatically jockeying for authority none of us can claim.

9. Embrace their accusations.

If they accuse you of name-calling, being judgmental, being negative, hypersensitive, or anything else, don’t get morally triggered. They’re just screwing with you. They want you destabilized. Besides, you’re all of those things, as is everyone.

Instead say, for example: “Of course, I’m a name-caller, like you, like everyone. The difference is that I don’t pretend I’m not, and I try to be careful. I don’t want just to name call; I want to name call with surgical precision. I’ve decided you’re a gloataholic, gaslighting sado-narcissist. I could be wrong, and you could change, but all the evidence you’ve given me led me to that conclusion. You scolding me for not seeing you the way you see yourself is only more evidence.”

10. Focus forward.

Debates aren’t won in a moment of debate victory; they’re won in the future. Someone can score hot points by claiming that the climate crisis is a hoax. Whether it is a hoax is not decided by hotshot debate swagger, but by whether the global climate gets hotter. The future reality wins all debates.

See, that’s the problem with being a gloataholic gaslighter. You can’t gaslight reality. Reality is not listening. It doesn’t care about our opinions no matter how proud we are of them. The truth will out. Keep the focus on that.

Being a gloataholic gaslighter can be lots of fun, but only in the short run. It’s like the freedom to run blindly through busy streets—it may be fun at first, but not when you hit reality’s brick walls. Gloataholic gaslighters just attempt to outmaneuver reality, which can’t be done for long.

I’ll end here with an imagined dialogue about lying. Though we all lie sometimes, a gloataholic gaslighter's lying is unbounded, since their sole goal is claiming supreme authority. We think of lying as bad but aren’t always clear on why.

Here’s a kid trying to figure it out with their father:

"Dad, why is lying bad?"

"Because it hurts people's feelings."

"Yes, but being honest does too sometimes."

"That's true."

"So telling the truth is sometimes bad."

"Yes, but lying is worse."

"I know, but why?"

"Well... because it disappoints people."

"Lots of things disappoint people."

"Hmm... no, here's really why lying is bad. We need to pay attention to what's true in order to survive and do well. If you lie, it's like walking down the street with your eyes closed. It's unsafe. We have to be honest about what's true."

"Now that makes more sense."