A Generic Cult Recruitment Speech

Any cult anywhere, anytime in the past or future.

Posted Dec 07, 2018

My fellow citizens, we are in crisis. The world has become just too threatening, too complex. It hurts our hearts. It hurts our brains. Above all, it hurts our pride.

This will not stand. We must fight the threat of complexity, and we can defeat it. We can defeat it where it matters most. We can defeat it within ourselves. We can reassert our simple, pure certainty, driving back the threat of complexity and restoring our absolute confidence.

Though you may feel lost, all is not lost. There is a solution. We must resolve here together, today to embrace the one true solution and march forward together, our eyes and ears closed, our step steady.

Though we will declare that the cost to us is great, the cost will not be great. Indeed, we can and will defeat all enemies of our pride at no cost to ourselves but one, a small cost, the sacrifice of all fairmindedness. Who among us would not sacrifice fairmindedness in a war against the terror of complexity?

We must take a principled stance against all challenges. If anyone, foreign or domestic, across the globe or in our own homes raises a challenge to our pride, that person is the enemy and must be defeated by any means possible. No overpowering too excessive! No lie too great! No hypocrisy too crass!

There will be some among us who will have qualms but they can and should be overcome! Just remember this: Your pride is the highest virtue. The more that people threaten your pride, the more they show their true colors. They are traitors.

God loves you. Our cult loves you. If anyone challenges you, they are challenges God and those most loyal to you. It is your duty to defeat them from on high.

Every challenge to your authority proves your authority. Do not spare it. Find fault in all challengers. They are but humans. They are beneath you. Focus on their faults never flinching, never once examining your own heart or mind. Such introspection is now beneath you.

Turn every defeat into victory. It can be done. Just remember, every challenge affirms you. Together we can and must be a self-winding movement. Shake against us and it will wind us up, shake with us and it will wind us up. Our enemies will challenge us, proving that they are our enemies. Our allies will support us proving that they are our allies.

Let the trumpet of your vilification blare. Let the siren sound of you policing the world for threats to your pride drown out the sound of any self-doubt or self-examination.

You are fighting for what matters most, your simple unwavering pride. If we stand united, our proud mouths open, anxious ears and eyes closed, armed and flailing we can and will make the world feel simple again!

Abandon your crippling fairmindedness. You can and will be free! Free from doubt! Free from ever having to learn from your mistakes again. You are on a divine and patriotic mission. Your pride is God’s pride. Your pride is proud patriotism. You have nothing to sacrifice but fairmindedness. Shackled by fairmindedness all is lost. Unshackle yourself and you will be free! Proud and free!