Happy-Two-Faced: A Common Crime of Shortsighted Kindness

“You said you’d be here a half hour ago! What’s your ETA?”

“Sorry. Soon!”

“Soon doesn’t tell me anything. How soon?”

“15 minutes.”

Arriving, 45 minutes later:

“You said 15!”

“Yeah, I guessed I’d be later but I didn’t want to make you angry.”

“But I am twice as angry that you made me wait for a half hour twice.”

“My intentions were good.”

It’s not fun disappointing people, so when we see an opening to keep them happy in the moment, we’re tempted to take it, even if it makes them twice as unhappy later. I’d call this being Happy-Two-Faced, a happy-face attitude that ultimately makes us two-faced.

Bosses are notoriously happy-two-faced. You’re frustrated on the job. The boss tries to reassure you that things will get better. If you press the boss for specifics, he might pull some improvement out of thin air, for example, “I’m planning to bring in more support staff so things will get easier.”

You walk away reassured, and then feel twice the frustration when a week later, the proposed improvement vanishes back into thin air, maybe with the boss apologizing for the withdrawal saying that improvement proved infeasible, maybe with the boss not even acknowledging the withdrawal. The boss loses credibility and the staff get cynical. But he thinks he’s a generous fellow for having tried to keep you happy.

The Happy-Two-Faced pattern is a recurring theme in the TV series “The Office,” but it’s not just bosses. We see it in parenting, friendships, partnerships, and certainly in politics where campaign promises make voters happy are never delivered.

Happy-Two-Faced tendencies leave us guessing at what kind of person we’re dealing with. Did the boss know he wasn’t going to follow through on the improvement? If so, then he’s simply a lying manipulator

Did he really mean to follow through but couldn’t? If so then maybe it’s not his fault.

Or did he really have good intentions but couldn’t think beyond couldn’t think beyond calming you in the moment, in which case maybe he’s just stupidly shortsighted.

Confronting the boss about it you probably won’t get much clarity. Bosses can be stupid, or they can be stupid like a fox, unaware of their own failings because it serves him not to be aware of them. Think George W.

When we’re dealing with the Happy-Two-Faced, it’s easy to be disgusted as though we would never be so irresponsible and insensitive. But don’t be too sure about that.

High-pressure positions will bring out the worst Happy-Two-Faced behavior in any of us. Yes, some personalities are more prone to it, but a lot of it is a function of pressing circumstances.

People in high places often have remarkably little power, really. To keep their high status, they’ll be tempted to hold onto their dream of having more power than the position really affords them, and tempted to keep you believing they have more power than they do. Politicians these days exemplify this tendency to a tee. In political gridlock they have almost no power, but you sure won’t hear about that on the campaign trail.

Maybe you’ve had to deal with people who are bad at providing accurate ETA’s as in the example at the beginning of this article. And maybe you’ve been that person too, probably at a time when you’re schedule was more full than you could reliably manage.