How to Cope With "New Dad Anxiety" and Imposter Syndrome

There is much information on postpartum mental health challenges for new moms. Mothers, indeed, face innumerable obstacles and are, without question, superheroes in their own right. This article, however, is focused on the unique challenges that new fathers face, particularly what I will unofficially call “dad anxiety.”

Dad Anxiety as a Normal Experience

As of this writing, my son is 16 months old, and I can attest to the anxiety, fear, and discomfort that, I imagine, is faced by most, if not all, new fathers. That is the first part of developing skills to cope with dad anxiety: the acknowledgement that these feelings are normal and to be expected. To take that a step further, it helps to acknowledge that we are normal when we experience it—we are not weak, ineffectual, or incompetent. A study by Baldwin et al. (2018) revealed that “the prevalence rates of anxiety disorder in men range between 4.1%–16% during their partners’ pregnancy and 2.4%–18% during the postnatal period.” So, we begin by normalizing the experience of anxiety among new fathers.

Why Dads Get Anxious

If moms are the ones that actually give birth and endure the physical trauma that goes with it (before, during, and after birth), face immense societal pressure to breastfeed and be ever-present and patient despite intense fatigue and burnout, then what does dad really need to worry about? According to the study referenced above, the top three worries of new fathers are:

• The formation of the fatherhood identity.
• Competing challenges of the new fatherhood role and negative feelings and fears relating to it.
• Negative feelings and fear related to fatherhood.

Breaking these three down, we find a common thread: Dads are unsure of what being a father really means, and, let’s face it, there is no rulebook or blueprint. No matter our gender, when we face the unknown, we tend to feel afraid; that is just human nature. So, it is not surprising that, entering completely uncharted territory, many new dads feel unsure of themselves, anxious to “get it right,” and highly self-critical when they struggle. I certainly did—and still do—experience these feelings. When my son is difficult to soothe, but mom seems to be able to calm him down, I feel worried about my paternal competency. When I am not fully present with my son because I am tired, frustrated, or distracted, I feel worried about being a good dad. When I sense I am losing my patience, I feel worried that I will forever damage my son’s mental well-being. You can imagine how these feelings of anxiety can build on one another and eventually become difficult to get out from under.

What Can Help With Dad Anxiety

The irony is that although worry and anxiety are our psyche’s attempt to protect us, they actually serve to make us more uncomfortable. The more anxious I am about being a dad, the more I will struggle to be the dad I want to be. Here are some important pointers for meeting your journey through fatherhood with confidence and grace:

• Practicing self-patience: Parenting is not easy. If anyone tells you it should be a breeze, they are glossing over what, at times, can be a frustrating and daunting task. It is important, therefore, that dads practice patience with themselves as they navigate the inherent stressors and challenges of parenting. Think of it as the difference between having a harsh, judgmental coach and one who is supportive, empathetic, and patient. Which one will ultimately get the greatest effort from his player? As we learn how to parent, we must often act as our own coach, and the type of support we offer ourselves goes a long way toward whether we feel confident or anxious.

• Opening ourselves up to support: If no man is an island, then most definitely, no father is an island. By its very nature, parenting requires support and help. If we close ourselves off to that, we risk experiencing anger, burnout, and lack of confidence. Worse, we begin to resent the very role that can be so rewarding. Whether it is therapy, a support group, or just having a community of friends and family, not going it alone is vital in having a positive, less anxious experience as a dad.

• Letting go of perfectionism: According to O’Brien et al. (2016), “men are more likely to idealize parenthood than their partners.” When we idealize a situation, we often set unreasonable expectations for how it “should” be, and we lack the mental and emotional flexibility to accept that it may not always end up the way we imagined. Nowhere is this truer than in parenting: if ever the old saying about “best laid plans” applied, it is as a parent. Things often do not go as planned, and flexibility and adaptability are vital. There is no such thing as a “perfect” parent, and fully accepting this imperfection is a way to ensure that we feel competent and capable, even if we falter at times.

• Aligning with our personal values: Many mom and dad clients of mine have expressed a worry that they will “mess up” their kids or make the same mistakes their parents did. One way to ensure that we parent the way we want to is by understanding and honoring our own values regarding fatherhood and family. For me, a non-chaotic everyday experience is important: My ideal is a life with minimal chaos and with a focus on harmony and peace. While, of course, I cannot reasonably expect that things will always be peaceful, my personal values of reducing chaos can help to guide me through confident rather than anxious parenting.