Helping a Spouse Cope With Being Laid Off

Source: Leah Newhouse / Pexels

Recently, my husband lost his job, and the timing was terrible. We had just purchased a new home in need of major renovations, and of course, we were running on a tight budget. We were paying a mortgage in addition to the monthly rent on our previous home and the renovation expenses.

While not life-threatening, his unemployment was stressful for both of us. I’ve worked with clients facing similar stressors from being laid off or chronically unemployed.

Involuntary job loss exacts an emotional toll. Even when the person is financially secure, they might feel like they have lost part of their identity. Perfectionists are even more prone to the mental health effects of job loss because they tend to tie self-worth to achievement.

However, it’s also important to consider the effect that job loss has collectively on the person’s family. Research on heterosexual couples, for example, shows that women’s mental health declines following their spouse’s job loss. Gendered attitudes contribute to these effects. While women might compensate for job loss by taking on more household tasks, men might struggle to find purpose when they are no longer providing income.

Research shows, for instance, that men whose wives are the breadwinners have a higher allostatic load, which is a measure of the cumulative wear and tear of chronic stress on the body. That effect is only true, however, when they endorse traditional gender ideology.

Reflective of gender norms, male clients are reluctant to share their employment struggles with friends and family because of the shame that these struggles induce. Also, while women might feel pressured to leave the workforce to focus more on parenting, men feel more pressure to devote themselves to work even when they want to spend more time with their families.

Speaking with a therapist, whether it is you, your spouse, or both, can be helpful for coping with the emotional aftermath of involuntary job loss, but, unfortunately, the loss of a job also often means the loss of health insurance, making it prohibitively expensive to access therapy. Some therapists, of course, will adjust their fees based on a client’s income, but a spouse’s support is free.

Given that social support buffers depressive symptoms in people who have lost their jobs, spouses can make healing a team effort.

Discussing a hypothetical job loss, when everything is still good at work, could be great preparation for the actual event. Having this conversation before a crisis hits can help you stay open-minded and willing to compromise if the plan of action you envision differs from your spouse’s.

In addition, you can shift attitudes about gender roles by engaging in behaviors that are consistent with egalitarian views, such as sharing responsibility for housework and childcare. This will set the stage for an easier transition in the event of involuntary job loss.

When the job loss actually happens, consider these tips when having conversations to help a spouse cope:

1. Be mindful of your own emotions

Taking care of your own well-being might be the most important step you take toward helping your spouse.

Start by being mindful of your thoughts and emotions. For instance, you might feel annoyed because you expect your spouse to take on more housework after a layoff, but if they haven’t had practice with these tasks, they might need grace for not doing them as well as you would like.

2. Don’t try to fix it

Allow your spouse agency to find their own solutions. Actively listen and ask your spouse what kind of help they need from you, such as validation or ideas for solutions.

When my husband was unemployed, he wasn’t keen on my idea to start his own business. Instead, he worked on renovations in our home, which made them more cost-effective and gave him a sense of purpose.

3. Stand up to materialism

Our culture reinforces the toxic message that one’s value is determined by how much money one makes. Sharing activities that don’t cost money, such as spending time in nature, is a form of activism against the idea that everything of value costs money.

After being laid off, my husband joined me on my morning bike rides to work, which allowed us to spend more time together and helped him maintain a healthy routine.

Marriage Essential Reads

What Is the Recipe for a Happy Marriage?

Why It's Tough to Tell If You're Happily Married

4. Expect mood fluctuations, but also set limits

Processing a job loss is like working through grief. This means that the person who lost their job might show more fluctuation in their mood, such as being upbeat one moment and irritable the next.

Reassuring your spouse of their value and worth can help them talk more openly about their emotions, and encouraging them to share thoughts and feelings can, in turn, help you refrain from personalizing their emotional reactions.

For example, you might feel less hurt if you knew that the reason they were upset was that they were triggered by a friend’s social media post about a work achievement.

At the same time, it’s also important to set limits on unhealthy behaviors, like shirking responsibilities or taking their frustration out on you. Setting limits is essential to your emotional well-being and to building resilience as a couple.

In our case, my husband quickly found a new job that's a great fit. Still, navigating involuntary job loss is a challenging situation that demands solidarity. Spouses are not meant to take the place of mental health professionals or job coaches. But, in taking a supportive role, they have great power to help each other accept the emotional waves that come with this loss without allowing these waves to overtake them.