Forgiving Forgetfulness

A Man Posting a Schedule Reminder.

Source: Karolina/Pexels, Canva

Recently, a minor mistake felt like a punch in the gut. I forgot to pack my kids’ water bottles, again.

“They’ll survive,” my husband reassured me. But the rawness of my lapse persisted as I envisioned their dry mouths and disappointed faces. On top of that, I worried about being seen as a disorganized parent.

Early in my life, I learned to associate forgetfulness with fragility. Forgetting led to consternation and lectures from adults, and to being interrupted when others had something more important to say that they didn’t want to forget.

Forgetfulness is part of the human condition, and yet it has earned a bad rap in modern society. Instead of seeing even minor memory lapses as endearing quirks, we pathologize them, fearing them to be signs of ADHD, dementia, long-haul COVID, or getting old, which society has also deemed as pathological due to ageism. When memory problems are disease-related, the affected individuals struggle to feel valued in a productivity and status-obsessed society. On the other hand, lifestyle factors, such as poor stress management, sleep deprivation, and juggling a lot of responsibilities, can also be at the root of forgetfulness.

We are bombarded with messages from a multi-billion-dollar industry of memory-enhancing drugs, as well as endless reminder apps, conveying not only that a perfect memory is possible (it isn't), but that never being forgetful is a requisite for competence. Ironically, fearing that forgetfulness means something is wrong with you is self-defeating. It is the reason some of my clients resist strategies like checklists and weekly pill boxes.

Memory makes our lives meaningful, productive, and more enjoyable. It allows us to be better friends, and more responsible parents and partners, because we remember to make school lunches and cupcakes for birthdays. It allows us to be more creative performers at school and more inventive at work. It can also be a matter of life or death; remembering to take heart medication or to lift a napping toddler out of a hot car is never optional.

But trying to be perfect at remembering can also harm relationships, and lead to frustration if your partner forgets to pick up milk on the way home, or to feeling resentful toward a friend who forgets your birthday.

When others don’t remember what we want them to remember, we assume they don't care about us enough. This misguided belief can fuel hurt and resentment. According to cognitive psychologist Daniel Willingham, author of Why Students Don’t Like School, wanting to remember something doesn’t ensure that you will remember it. In my experience, using strategies like writing reminders and setting alarm clocks helps, but even these aren’t flawless. Last night, for example, I was sure I had set the alarm on my phone to wake up at 6 a.m. only to realize the next morning that I hadn’t hit the “save” button while setting it. So I woke up at 7 a.m. instead and felt defeated.

Worrying about forgetfulness also fuels self-doubt, which, in turn, affects how we interact with others. If I don’t remember the exact sequence of events, I leave them out of a conversation. Sometimes, trying to remember everything leads me to forget to mention the most important pieces of information, the ones I most want the other person to remember. For example, I might explain why I enjoy a snack, but forget to ask my husband to get more of it at the store.

Forgiving forgetfulness, or at least tolerating it, doesn’t mean we can’t feel angry, hurt, or disrespected by others’ forgetfulness, nor does it mean we can’t feel disappointed in ourselves for our own lapses. But we can talk openly about these feelings and work toward solutions while simultaneously choosing to forgive.

Here is some guidance to help with practicing forgiveness for both your own and others’ forgetfulness:

1. Accept that forgiving is a process. According to practitioners of radically open dialectical behavior therapy (RO-DBT), which helps those who are struggling with maladaptive perfectionism, forgiveness skills include grieving the loss of expectations you had for yourself and others, practicing gratitude, and remembering that all humans share a common bond of suffering (in this case, we have all been forgetful). This takes work and repetition. Expect to forgive forgetfulness again and again. With practice, it should get easier and come more naturally.
2. Get spiritual. Spirituality, as opposed to organized religion, is the idea that there is a natural order to life events over which we have limited control. We can choose to reframe forgetfulness as part of the ups and downs of life, and even believe that unexpected benefits may come from it. For example, Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin when he forgot to cover a petri dish with bacteria. When I forgot to pack goggles in my daughter's summer camp bag, she realized she didn't need them to enjoy swimming.
3. Lean into others. Forgiving forgetfulness involves both self-acceptance, as well as not assuming others will remember what is important to you. Remembering that there are many different kinds of memory may be helpful too; we all have strengths and challenges. For example, I am better at remembering stories that people tell me about their lives, while I struggle with recalling home addresses or where I parked my car.
4. Take a Break. Just like taking a break to search for a lost item can help you find it faster when you resume your search, taking the pressure off yourself to remember something can help you return to the topic later with a calmer, more focused mindset. Taking a break or putting it on the back burner may be an effective way of forgiving your forgetfulness.

Forgiving forgetfulness is an example of how an understanding of human psychology has the potential to not only help us feel more content in our own lives, but to create a more compassionate world. It reminds us that we need each other and each other’s forgiveness to thrive.