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Coaching

The Male Sexual Ego Is Less Fragile Than Many Women Believe

Sexual coaching doesn’t shatter men. How else can they learn what women want?

Key points

  • Many women in one focus group revealed they felt frustrated and unsatisfied without orgasm during sex, but did not tell their partners.
  • Many men prefer to be coached sexually, especially if their partner includes praise for what they do like, and positive feedback afterward.
  • Making a list of sexual requests, ordered from easiest to hardest to discuss, can be a good jumping-off point for sexual discussion.

Researchers at Western University in Pomona, California, asked focus groups of women how they felt when they did not have orgasms, and what, if anything, they did about it. Without orgasms, the women said, they felt sad, frustrated, unsatisfied, and resentful. But few reported attempting to coach their partners. Their main concern was not their own pleasure, but rather the fear that any coaching would injure their partners' supposedly eggshell egos.

Ladies, Speak Up

Men’s egos are not as fragile as many women—especially young women—believe. All men of all ages have a wealth of experience dealing with disappointment—losses in sports, school troubles, career setbacks, and rejections from previous women. After disappointments, almost all men pick themselves up, regroup, and hopefully learn from their experiences.

Women, when you coach men sexually, you’re not rejecting them. You're just asking for little adjustments. Men’s egos will survive just fine—especially if you also praise what you like about their lovemaking, and after requests, laud them for adjusting their sexual style more to your liking.

Don't just complain to girlfriends that your guy is clueless. Tell him. If you don’t, he can't know your likes or dislikes. No one can read anyone’s erotic mind. Falling in love—or into bed—doesn’t confer psychic powers. Coaching is the only way to receive the caresses you want.

If men aren’t sufficiently familiar with the clitoris and have already been sexual with other women, chances are their earlier lovers didn’t speak up. Don’t you wish they had?

Gentlemen, Request Coaching

Attention, men: Have you ever struck out in baseball? Missed a basketball shot? Of course you have. In life, disappointments are inevitable. Did those little setbacks obliterate your self-esteem? Chances are you picked yourself up, tried again, and kept trying—ideally aided by coaches who identified your weaknesses and helped you improve. Ditto for lovemaking.

And remember that everyone is sexually unique. You can't know what women want sexually unless they tell you. In new relationships, Always ask for coaching. And in long-term relationships, continue to ask periodically.

Just because your last girlfriend liked certain moves doesn’t mean your current partner feels the same. If you want your partners to enjoy themselves and have orgasms, you must appreciate the particular caresses they like as individuals. If they’re afraid to tell you for fear of bruising your fragile ego, you never learn what they like. You threaten the relationship's future. And you risk being put down when they talk with their girlfriends.

Women aren’t the only ones who desire sexual adjustments. Many men also have requests, and some feel reluctant or unable to speak up. Everyone can use coaching, so these suggestions apply equally to people of all ages, genders, and sexual inclinations.

Coaching Made Easy

  • Jot down a list of every complaint/wish you have. Be specific. Not: "I wish he would be gentler." That’s vague. Better: "I wish he didn’t pinch my nipples so hard." Rank your list from the requests that are easiest to discuss to those that are hardest. Start with your easiest. Chances are it’s not too difficult to request it. If your partner grants it, he begins to get used to being coached. You gain confidence about speaking up. And chances are, you’ll become more turned on, which your partner will probably notice and enjoy. Work your way through your list, making one new request every few months.

  • Start coaching with kissing. Kissing is key to many lovers’ sexual pleasure and satisfaction, and most people find it easier to discuss kissing than genital play. Start with a compliment, and then state your suggestion. “I love the way you kiss, but I wish you’d lick my lips more. Let me show you.” Or “…but please let me slip my tongue into your mouth, too.” Or “…but instead of just pushing your tongue down my throat, can we let our tongues dance together?”

  • Pair speaking up with strategic silence. When you like what’s going on, say, “Yes,” or “Ahh,” or “That’s so nice.” When you’re less than thrilled with any move, remain silent. If you consistently encourage what gives you pleasure, you’re very likely to get more of that, and less of what elicits silence.

  • Declare your intentions. Gentlemen, as things heat up, look your partner in the eye and say something like, “I want you to feel nothing but pleasure. If anything I do doesn’t provide pleasure, please tell me immediately, so I can give you what you enjoy.” This no only invites coaching but is also likely to impress your partner.

  • Ask permission. Gentlemen, before initiating any erotic escalations, say, “I’d love to X”—caress your breasts, unbutton your top, whatever. “Is that okay?” If she says yes, proceed. If she hesitates, say something like: “I promise I’ll be gentle.” “I’ll stop whenever you want.” And if she says no, respect her wishes.

  • "Is this okay?" After erotic escalations, always ask this question. Then request coaching: “Would you like gentler touch? Firmer? Please tell me.”

  • Limit alcohol. Many people, especially young adults, have sex drunk, sometimes blotto. Even moderate drinking can derail coaching, and increase the risk of sexual assault. If you enjoy sex in an altered state, consider cannabis, which more people call sex-enhancing. It slows the pace, which encourages coaching.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to enjoy sex, you must tell your partners what pleases you and ask for coaching about what pleases them.

References

Lynn, B. et al. “The Relationship Between Marijuana Use Prior to Sex and Sexual Function in Women,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017)14 (Suppl. 1):S105.

Lynn, B. et al. “The Perceived Effects of Marijuana Use Before Sex,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017) 14(Suppl. 5):e357.

Mallory, A.B. et al. “Couples’ Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis,” Journal of Sex Research (2019) 56:882.

Salisbury, C.M. and W.A. Fisher. “’Did You Come?’ A Qualitative Exploration of Gender Differences in Beliefs, Experiences, and Concerns Regarding Female Orgasm Occurrence During Heterosexual Sexual Interactions,” Journal of Sex Research (2014) 51:616.

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