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Key points
- Many areas on a woman's body can sizzle with erotic sensations and contribute to her responsiveness and enthusiasm as a lover.
- In lovemaking, ticklishness often means discomfort.
- The clitoris is so sensitive that many women don’t like their clitoris being touched, and instead prefer caresses around it.
Compared with men, it takes most women longer to become sufficiently aroused to enjoy genital play. How much longer? Usually, a lot longer.
“It takes me a good 20 to 30 minutes,” says women’s sexuality educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D. “It takes many women even longer. Men should slow down—then slow down more.”
Every Square Inch
Okay, so you slow down, but what do you do? Gently caress her everywhere. Every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, and many women feel disappointed that so many men focus on only a few corners. Many areas on a woman's body can sizzle with erotic sensations and contribute to her responsiveness and enthusiasm as a lover.
“Coach Me”
As you caress her, ask how she feels. It’s much easier to say that something feels good than bad. Don’t ask, “Does this feel good?” which might elicit a “No.” Instead, ask, “Would you prefer lighter touch here?” That way, “yes” is a request for an adjustment, and “no” means all’s well. Or try asking, “Would you prefer me to touch you somewhere else?” Or just invite her to tell you what she enjoys by saying, “Coach me.”
Ticklishness Means Discomfort
Watch out for ticklishness. In lovemaking, ticklishness often means discomfort. Different women have different ticklish spots. But ticklishness may depend less on the spot than the way it’s touched. For example, a finger tracing figure-eights on a woman’s belly might feel ticklish, while a warm palm placed gently on the same area might not.
The Subtle Art of Kissing
One type of erotic touch that rarely gets its due is kissing. “A kiss,” a wit once said, “can be a comma, period, question mark, or exclamation point.” Kissing is a dance. The poet Percy Bysshe Shelley defined kissing as “soul meeting soul on lovers’ lips.” Put some soul into it.
Breast Play: The Best Way
In pornography, men often maul women’s breasts. Big mistake. Breasts and nipples are very sensitive. Be very gentle with them. Caress them lightly. Once aroused, some women enjoy somewhat firmer nipple caresses, perhaps even pinching. Check in with her about what she likes. Ask for coaching.
Leisurely, Playful, Whole-Body Sensuality
In porn, the man and woman say, “Hello,” and almost immediately, the man grabs the woman's breasts or reaches between her legs. Another big mistake. That doesn’t allow a woman sufficient warm-up time, which is the whole point of taking the time to caress her all over. Ask if she feels ready. When she says yes, you might even say, “In a little while,” and continue to tease her. Delaying breast and genital play heats up the anticipation and allows women the time they need to respond to genital sex.
Now, some men like their penises fondled early in lovemaking. There’s nothing wrong with that. Feel free to ask for it. But understand that most women prefer to warm up to genital caresses. Ask how much non-genital touch your lover would like before you touch her between the legs.
Better yet, say: “I’m not exactly clear when you feel ready for genital play, so I’m not going to touch you there—until you place my hand there.” This allows women to postpone genital play until they feel truly ready.
Be Extra Gentle Down There
In porn, the men often pull at vaginal lips as though they’re opening a Ziploc plastic bag. Major mistake. The vaginal lips develop from the same cells that, in men, become the scrotum. Do you like your scrotum abused? Fondle her very gently. As women become sexually aroused, their lips open like flowers.
Be extra-gentle with the clitoris. The men in porn don’t spend much time caressing women’s pleasure organ, but when they do, they often go at it like parched dogs offered a bowl of water. Huge mistake. The clitoris has just as many touch-sensitive nerve endings as the head of the penis, but it’s only about one-tenth the size, so all those nerve endings are packed tightly together, and super-sensitive to touch.
In fact, the clitoris is so sensitive that many women don’t like (or can’t stand) their clitoris being touched. They prefer caresses around it. Ask your lover what she likes. Then as you gently explore her, ask, “Is this OK?”
When Are Women Ready for Intercourse?
Despite what you see in porn, wet doesn’t necessarily mean ready.
Sexual arousal begins with increased blood flow into the genitals. In men, this produces an erection, in women, vaginal lubrication. However, some perfectly normal women don’t self-lubricate very well (commercial lubricants help), and among those who do, a wet vagina does not mean that women feel ready for intercourse. They’re just starting to become aroused.
When are women ready for intercourse? It varies. Many women would love to hear men say, “I won’t presume you’re ready. I’m going to caress you all over until you invite me inside you.”
Appreciate Afterglow
Many women complain that after orgasm, men just roll over and fall asleep. Instead, explore post-orgasmic sensuality. Hold each other close. Kiss one another in unusual places. Try some light massage. Facial massage can feel wonderful, especially if you gaze into each other’s eyes. The fact is, “afterglow” is a misnomer. In truly sensual lovemaking, it should be called “et cetera.”
Ancient Secrets of the Kama Sutra
For more on advanced caressing, view the video, The Ancient Secrets of the Kama Sutra: The Classic Art of Lovemaking. This 60-minute erotic tour de force is a wonderfully sensual take on the ancient Indian Kama Sutra’s eight stages of lovemaking: preparation (bathing), massage, ambiance (candlelight, music, etc.), seduction (undressing), kissing, lingual love (oral sex), intercourse (many positions), and union (intimate spiritual merging during afterglow). This video is explicitly sexual, but it’s not pornography. It’s sensual, beautiful, and erotic.
Now for Women’s Suggestions
Ladies, here’s your chance to react to my suggestions. What do you think of them? How long does it take you to become fully aroused? And what kinds of caresses arouse you most? Men would love to know.
