The Problem With Forced Apologies

A personal story encapsulates many of the issues I (EB) have with forced apologies.

When my daughter was in fourth grade, she encountered a challenging peer. It first came to my attention when another parent, who had observed the activities of the after-school program at her own child’s pickup, told me that my daughter was being “bullied.” The child who was reportedly bullying her was in fifth grade and struggling. Interestingly, neither the program's staff nor my daughter alerted me to this problem.

Once it was on my radar, I was able to attain a lot of information from the after-school program. I found out that this boy was drawing cartoons in which he killed my daughter and her best friend. One day, he chased her around the gym, screaming, “I’m going to give you pain,” which the school team at first interpreted as them “playing.” When he caught her, he was physically aggressive.

Possibly because I was now hypervigilant to this peer, the after-school staff imposed a penalty. He had to go home and write an apology for his behavior. This seems like a typical response from adults in this type of situation: Require an apology. I was with my daughter when she opened the apology note from him at home the next day.

Why do I dislike forced apologies as a strategy?

1. Requiring one to say they are sorry when they aren’t teaches falseness. Adults sometimes do not even attempt to ascertain whether the person is sorry before demanding that they apologize.
2. Sometimes the apology is the consequence, and hence the sole response. Other consequences, and possibly solutions, can be avoided through saying “sorry”—even when delivered with the clear message that the person does not feel regret for their behavior.
3. Forced apologies don’t take into account what the person who has been wronged wants. Even worse, often the person who has been wronged is cajoled into accepting an apology, regardless of how they feel about the incident. They are encouraged to respond as if the apology is genuine and to forgive the other person. Wronged people should be involved in discussing a preferred resolution, rather than being made to accept an apology or to feel guilty if they reject it.
4. The apology compels the wronged person to interact with the aggressor again, even when the most sensible solution would be avoidance. I have directly witnessed many children in preschool being hit by peers. Sometimes the children are placed into contact again while the aggressor is asked to touch with “gentle hands,” as an enactment of a forced apology. Maybe the child who has been hit doesn’t want to be touched again—gentle or not. And, how many times does the gentle hands intervention provide another opportunity to hit?
5. Perhaps my biggest concern is that forced apologies become part of a loop where a person engages in a negative behavior, says they’re sorry, the transgression is absolved, and the person is then free, with a clean slate, to engage in the negative behavior again.
6. Unlike forced apologies, a genuine, unsolicited apology can be a good thing, especially when it comes spontaneously from the transgressor with an appropriately matching affect—and, most importantly, a commitment to a plan for changed behavior. A reparative action can be part of a sincere apology. A considered repair can be very powerful.

In my professional life as a psychologist, I avoid asking kids to make apologies unless they feel regret and are willing to change their behavior. My action plan with child patients is often to build self-awareness about behavior, identify when behavior ought to change, and develop plans in order to work towards more effective and ethical ways to interact with other people. Forced apologies generally don’t feel good to the receiver of them. Interestingly, if not sincere, they usually don’t feel good for the apologizer, either. Where’s the benefit?

So what happened with the forced apology my daughter received? She just shrugged it off, saying he was made to write it, didn’t mean it, and that he would be back at it again the next day, which indeed he was.